29 March 2015

Here is the baby blanket/mom shawl of my dreams that I am going to try to knit for my sister. The yarn it's knit from is called Moriah and is doubled up, which is perfect for a child who is an expression of pure faith, (accompanied by the safety mechanism of modern medicine.)

My sister very, very kindly invited me to her 20 week ultrasound. That's the one where, if you like, they try to figure out the baby's sex, though she's not sure she wants to do that anymore. She's heard that when they tell you it's a girl it may still turn out to be a boy. I didn't offer my opinion (I would totally want the guess!) but was already going to wait to knit little sweaters and hats so that they would match the baby's hair and eyes. The baby's dad will be in Whitehorse, way up north, and may make a special trip for the ultrasound, but he said it was cool if I was there too.

This is an incredibly sweet gesture on my sister's behalf. I have a friend who told me years ago that it would take a major life event for my sister and I to form a relationship, and my sister is taking the opportunity now. I am happy to report that psychologically she seems to be doing really well. She seems to be keeping an even keel and has been gentle in speaking to me.

It is also a really meaningful gesture because when my youngest cousin was born there were life-threatening complications for the baby and mom, and my uncle's sister and I fell out after I visited the hospital. My cousin's parents said it was okay but I was so upset I missed the first year of his life. It means a lot to me to be welcomed on no uncertain terms.

10 March 2015

My relationship with this ex was hard, not the least because we were both rather severely depressed at the time and the depression would come out in ways uncomplimentary to a relationship. I made him low glycemic index soup when he wanted cocaine and he was there, across the country, when I was freaking out in the early morning hours, having become psychotic. He wrote me on my birthday to share thoughts about babies, the one my sister is carrying and the one he hopes to make with his wife, despite his depression, and I had nothing but kind and encouraging words. This is different from you and me, I told him, she brings out the best in you and I always love to hear about it.

06 March 2015

My sister is the one marginalized person who will give me the benefit of the doubt after voicing her reality. I really love her mama bear instincts and want to be able to fight with her.

04 March 2015

My sister will lose her disability benefits if she moves in with her boyfriend, as planned. And if they separate, any child support payments he would theoretically make would be clawed back by the government, limiting her to income set by the government. She's really stressed out thinking about this.
I had a really good experience at the place where I volunteer when I asked about the possibility of cultural safety training to better make indigenous people feel welcome in our space. Generally the population we serve is vulnerable, but this is especially true of our indigenous clients, who are both extremely vulnerable and have culturally specific expectations about how a person should act in social situations. One of my supervisors wrote me a long e-mail about various approaches, and then like magic, an advertisement for a free workshop on non-violent communication appeared in her inbox and she invited me along with her. I've already participated in a workshop on conflict deescalation but I think this one could make a bigger difference for me.

03 March 2015

Telling my sister that nothing she does is weak or bad, and that I want her to feel safe and cared for. She's feeling too poorly to talk to our grandparents yet, but has informed me that as of tomorrow she's giving up on jeans. Her child is the size of a healthy plum and has all of its organ systems formed. We joked that it is overachieving all of us with its rapid development of vital stuff.

02 March 2015

I just got all of the auntie support I was missing in two messages of 140 characters or less from a woman who is a rabbi and on Twitter.
I've spent the last year hanging out on Twitter. I had a close friend there and it seemed like the best way to communicate, in direct messages, but then the messages slowed to a trickle. Twitter is also a place where violence against marginalized people is focalized, and the marginalized speak back with volumes of hurt. I'm not talking about myself but about indigenous people, black people, trans people, sex workers, and all intersections thereof. I found, and all of the marginalized people at issue, who I care about, will hate me for this, that I became psychotic when I was misinterpreted (psychosis is more common among immigrants), that my education is useless in helping me speak, and that people who take a lot of abuse don't owe it to anyone to put up with clumsy interpreters. So, I cared, and I learned I was pretty useless. One resonant truth is that, "hurt people hurt people," but there are an awful lot of others out there doing harm.
My sister is having a baby. She had an accident caused by a psychiatric medication interfering with her birth control, and her thought was, I can do this. She has a psychiatric illness that consists of dramatic and very frequent shifts in mood. Her moods hurt me, so I have concern for a child that will be trying to become a person in relation to her. I worry about my sister because she is too sick to work and is depending on her boyfriend to make a life for them. Nonetheless, having a baby is a very optimistic thing to do, and I would be a horrible person to not get on board and try to help. I really hope that her love for her child gives her enough to keep talking about to give our family ways in.
I have found a stack of new notebooks I put away years ago. I need to take notes on all of my reading these days, my memory is so bad.
I am still wearing the same four big winter sweaters I've been wearing all winter. I am looking forward to changing into spring blouses.

01 March 2015

A nerve has been tangled in the wrong place between my shoulders for two weeks, and a few days ago the pain started shooting down my arm as well. The best decision I made today was to take a Robaxacet instead of two naproxen, though, to relax my poor messed up muscles.

02 February 2014

My cat's cuddles have magical mood-improving properties. Last night I was deeply troubled and he lay down beside me, head and shoulders on my chest, and the darkness melted away.

31 January 2014

Our bees have made it through the winter. As they warm up they are feasting on pollen patties.

16 December 2013

My goldfish is going to be 5 in February. He shows no signs of slowing down. I named him Guppy. My uncle suggested that this could be a great basis for a childrens' story: someone who thinks they're plain but turns out to be grand. Does anybody want to write and illustrate an easy reader with me? The date to deliver would be July and I'm thinking with The Girl Least Likely and Lost Gander this could be amazing.

12 December 2013

I have been a delinquent blogger....

For the holidays I have opened a haberdashery for children. There will be a skull and crossbones hat, a proper darling bonnet, two spring hats, one in broad triangles and a knot on top and the other purple tweed with a lace flower at the crown, as well as a possible lilac santa hat with an extra long tassel. I am hard at work.

I made Star Wars snowflakes for the 6 year old Star Wars fan in my life and attended St Nikolaus Day at the Austrian schnitzel haus to deliver my gift. My Nicolas sat in my lap for much of the night, telling me about loving tag, water slides and rock climbing as well as suavely hiding from the Scary Santas in the most hideous Halloween costumes ever running around with brooms and large claws and making all the little kids scream.

My cat is being extra cuddly (in between shredding knitting patterns before breakfast) and I have sat and laid still for long times patting him.

I have had writing ideas come together and be cast apart again in panic attacks.

I have bought twinkle lights, tiny led's on bendable copper wire, for cheap on Amazon, and then spent ridiculous money on Christmas decorations I have no intention to display this year. The tomato red blown glass balls were a steal at $5 a piece.

It has snowed, and today the rain came to wash away all the snow.

My sister opened up to me about her illness, and in doing so built a bridge bringing the two of us as close as we've ever been. She is starting MAOI's and I am making her an apple puff pancake Christmas morning so that she doesn't stroke out and die after eating what the rest of us will.

All in all it has been a pretty happy December.

23 November 2013

I bought this painting, "the light yet shines to us enough," by my friend Steven Heaton. It is full of hope and things coming together.

31 October 2013

Happy Halloween!

I dressed Bo up as a dragon. He even did a little dragon dance.

26 October 2013

I have recently taken up knitting again. I am having fun and so is my cat. He likes the chunky yarn I am making felted slippers from, chasing the tail, purring, and wrestling the ball of yarn. The kittenishness of his interest is completely adorable.

16 October 2013

My dad is playing hardball with the bank. He's like, they admitted they were at fault, now they're going to pay FOR EVERYTHING. I'm glad he's still angry.

21 September 2013

I was so grateful today when my dad, the peacemaker and rock of our family, said that my sister really doesn't understand me. He is sad she is not coming home when she needs respite, but she has good people to support her.

11 September 2013

"She's worried there are monsters in your room?!?!"
I gave my six year old cousin Nicholas the book, "My First Kafka," as a present on starting grade one. He really took to the pictures and its version of "The Metamorphosis." I like that he has a story that is open to all sorts of questions and interpretations and just I don't knows, and that he engages with it that way, even at his age. He really struggles with his father exerting authority, so it has emotional impact as well. Nicholas wanted to share the book with his dad and his mom, after they got in a fight and before bed respectively, which I thought was a good sign. He is starting to read himself too! And, kind, empathetic, sensitive soul that he is, he asked me why I sometimes get frustrated with my mom, a secret which I told him last time we were together.

03 September 2013

My dad sent me an e-mail this morning called "18 things children can teach us about happiness." My sister is bipolar and dealing with her is constantly tumultuous, and I have schizoaffective disorder. He says he didn't even want to send the whole thing, just the title. He is a really good dad.

30 August 2013

I am overjoyed for my friend Mr Field, who is having a book of his art published by a good gallery (of course they're good - his work is amazing!). I promise to tell you where you can get it as details become available.
When I was caring for the cats on Monday I noticed two tuxedo kittens with bald patches on their faces. This was alarming, because the shelter has recently had an outbreak of ringworm, I had been cuddling one of the kittens (disgusting), and I had noticed nothing the day before. At first the shelter lady was too exhausted to believe me since no one else had called, but I pressed, and she e-mailed me to say she'd removed them from the viewing area. I am so relieved, and happy I was able to be effective.

27 August 2013

I ate ice cream for breakfast and then the dog took me for a long walk. Win-win.

23 August 2013

I don't know if it's that the Ayurvedic tea I've been drinking (Pukka's Cleanse blend of nettle, peppermint and fennel) has actually been working, or if it's just the summer heat, but the pores on either side of my nose have been most welcomely disappearing. I've decided to take up beauty products. Scratch that, the beauty products I've tried don't work but one of my favourite things, tea, apparently does. See you (or not!) in the vanity isle!

21 August 2013

As part of her psychological treatment my mom is fucking up perfectly good baking.

19 August 2013

Early morning cuddles in bed with the cat and dog.

18 August 2013

I have seen a young (small) red-crested woodpecker twice now.
Mum's dog let me sleep in an extra 45 minutes without peeing on the floor. She hopped outside crossing her legs, then took me for a shorter walk than she has the past two days. She let a blonde lady out running pet her, I think because she looked like my mom and the dog misses her. The dog has behaved herself very well, and is even sleeping on the chair in my bedroom while I type.

17 August 2013

I provided just the right amount of information to get the longest deadline possible.

16 August 2013

I went inside the hive and the bees had been busy building wax foundations on the frames we moved into the lower part of the hive. I was very proud of them. They had also built comb and collected honey in the upper part of the hive, where many more of the bees had moved! I put one frame in the middle of two frames with honey on them wearing no gloves and didn't get stung. It was a very good bee day.

14 August 2013

Today has been a banner writing day, so it figures that I would lose my epic cool and start panicking right now.

08 August 2013

This afternoon the cupboard was quietly restocked with the special high-grade chocolate. I am using it to try to get my stomach to cease and desist its panging. I have been hungry all day and eating hasn't helped make the problem go away. I am cursing my psychiatrist so hard right now. This never happened to me before the Abilify. Other people must have had this happen to them. It's hellish. This is four months after I quit the drug.

06 August 2013

My friend, the talented Mr Field and I are working on the same philosophical project! He wants to read the books I am reading for my Hegel-Nietzsche term paper. The problem we are working on is this: what to do when God is not truly, deeply believed in, but the metaphysics God supported lives on.

04 August 2013

I'm working on writing something sophisticated about Descartes, while the Hegel books I really want to be reading stand at the ready beside my bed. I dislike Descartes for the same reasons Leibniz did: he was a dick who wanted a whole bunch of people to think like him. Leibniz was a smart guy; you will remember he also invented calculus.

03 August 2013

A quick chat with Mr Field across a flickering internet connection. All is well. My mother's dog took me on a long walk this morning. I will wait for the sky to clear to take the cat out, so that he can feel the sun on his fur.