30 October 2009

new descriptor: pathologically patient.
Promised myself fun Friday night. Turned up music and dancing in the kitchen making omega 3 granola.

Cat gets up. "You look SILLY. Is TOO EARLY to DANCE. Also, YOU PUT ME ON A DIET."

Cat looks hot with no paunch.

bounce bounce bounce bounce HOME.

"There's a secret to the no fat, little Cat. You can walk without limping on your gimpy leg." Skip skip.

There's stack of sexy library books in the corner. Nietzsche and Deleuze, Nietzsche and Bataille, Nietzsche and Derrida, Nietzsche and Heidegger (secondary literature), Nietzsche and metaphor, generally. John Nash.

w is in class. turns to the person sitting next to her, who she casually says hello to each week:

"hey, would you like to go to an exhibit about taxidermy?"

person laughs. "okay!"

29 October 2009

Was doing some reading and came across my mom's maiden name in its language of origin. I googled to make sure.


When I was paranoid I thought her mom was a raving psycho for giving her kids the first names she did. Now...
things you probably didn't say to yourself today:

"oh fuck I'm lactating again."

thanks DRUGS.

28 October 2009

Truth claim (controversial): I'm not needy, sometimes I just need to talk out loud. I'd prefer you weren't invested, but constructive feedback is nice.
I want to get outta here and go look at beautiful things in Berlin museums.
I brought my little cousin some pastels because he wanted to colour a moon last time I was over and only had an invisible ink cheater colouring book that made him cry. His mom thought it was an awesome present. He didn't quite know what to do and mostly lined up the pastels on the construction paper background. I said that was super and thought that it would've been better if I'd been doing homework so he'd have someone to imitate, like that time he kept taking my fountain pen from me.

Seeing the baby at three week intervals is fascinating because I can observe subtle and miraculous shifts between visits. He has a good sense of humour and interacts socially and emotionally in all kinds of complicated ways (still mostly copying, from everyone he sees and every book he reads) but is just starting to put two words together, sometimes.

The book came with stencils so the baby's mom punched some out and he carried the white positives around in the little plastic bag the pastels had come in.

26 October 2009

Dear Professor, thank you for normalizing my anxiety. You don't know how much it means that I actually believe you, and that you don't scoff at medical treatment either. You probably do know, but I am grateful to feel understood and taken seriously in a sane way.

I often wish my professors were my mothers, because my mom is scared of me and has thought things were wrong with me since I was three years old and angrily claims I am sick and she does not have the same feelings I do when she gets stressed out. I like educated people more, I am sorry to say, no matter how bad things get that is what I hold on to. I can't give up because I haven't thought good enough things yet. I am not dependent and will not show up at your door to talk without having definitive questions, I am just really glad you caught this one.

*editor's note - w's mom didn't believe in hormonal birth control and knocked herself up in second year university, the july after getting married on reading week.

25 October 2009

It is a dark and rainy...

I don't smoke so I am drinking russian lapsang souchong.

23 October 2009

Today on the bus I listened in on a conversation between two guys wanting to be fighter pilots. People live their lives in search of liminal experience and here I am, afraid I might break.

21 October 2009

oooh... it is kind of exciting to have created a mini, ad-hoc concordance of the geneaology of morals using google...

also exciting are chapters introducing the reading and reception of nietzsche, on the continent and in north america. my introduction to the wider world of philosophy.
You're 82 years old. You've shrunk six centimeters, you only weigh 45 kilos yet you're still beautiful, graceful and desirable. We've lived together now for 58 years and I love you more than ever. I once more feel a gnawing emptiness in the hollow of my chest that is only filled when your body is pressed next to mine.

-Letter to D, Andre Gorz
Reasons to like autumn: concord grapes, pomegranates, persimmons, grapefruit.

Also: kale, chard, parsnips, squash, yams.

19 October 2009

I hereby award The Girl Least Likely To a Superior Scribbler Award. The aforementioned Ms Sunday Gap is my sweet sister in blogdom, also notable for poems and unleashing such screeds as,

There is insufficient evidence that you SHOULD give up writing. I don’t see why we’re even talking about it. Fuck you.
I’m afraid it’s either fiddle with your own angsty bits in a way that inspires the rest of us, or condemn us all to drowning in our own failed ambitions.

in other people's comment sections and being beloved for it. I am throwing away the rulebook. Thank you Soren Lorensen for the validation and your beautiful dreams.
There is a research study that I may be able to participate in. I hope so, because I am interested in the thing that they are investigating. And because I may have found a way to, if not receive prints, view a picture of my brain! (The picture is a longstanding wish.)

14 October 2009

why yes, this is a cat post

On Wednesdays I take care of homeless cats. They smell really bad. One of the long-time residents was adopted this week. When he first showed up he was scarrerd. I think his nose may have been broken. We'd pick him up from his little bed tub and hold him on a towel stroking his back, and he'd be a little lump. Months later, when he finally got let out of his cage, aged one (immune system matured), he was a social superstar among cats. He knew how to be recognized without necessarily asserting himself and made his introductions by sleeping in other cats' beds. When the other adult cats had left, he befriended the neighbourhood crankypants, hanging out with her even while she slept, etc.. She hisses at everyone, but not him. It always surprises me how gently some animals can be in the world, or how we perceive this to be the case.

My favourite cat right now is a skinny baby tortie with a light stripe on her nose and little shocks of bright orange tabby marking. She too cuddles like a lump - you learn to cuddle them as babies, because soon enough they won't - but is very relaxed and sweet. So yes, I went and sat a sick baby cat on my belly and it seemed nice for both of us.

Look, words!

foto via ffffound

12 October 2009

Everyone said I seem great this Thanksgiving but all I want to do is sit and sleep. Neither of these involve much thinking or planning. My head feels empty. There is no glimmer, there are hardly any words, period.

09 October 2009

Went to visit my little cousin, age 2. More words from him this time, and cookie tea. I explained "headphones," talking about the covers of New Yorkers, was serenaded in shouts over a plastic piano and read Corduroy. The book was getting sad when the boy on my knee said he'd help Corduroy look for his button, so I started telling the story with Nicholas helping look for the button.

05 October 2009

I've got a flaxseed/hemp oil high. It is like my brain saying, "squee!"
from my silly letter to the writers of grey's anatomy and private practice:

"Depicting all mentally ill people as violent is like depicting all black people as violent. I think the characterization of people with mental illness as uniformly lacking insight or positive agency is hateful. It does little more than fear-monger."

02 October 2009

tall black boots that fit like a second skin and make me feel like a rock star.
fast food. i think these would be good with salad.

Heat 1 can chickpeas, drained, in a frying pan with oil, 5-7 minutes. Stir in 1 tsp garam masala (NOMU), 1 crumbled chili and 1 tsp anar dana (dried pomegranate seeds, available at your neighbourhood Indian grocery store). Top with the juice of 1/2 a lemon and cook 3 minutes longer. YUM.

Paean to Nomu African spice on fried fish to come.

01 October 2009

Tuned in Turned on. Yeah baby yeah. Today my doctor was like, I had to explain that very simple thing at great length. And I was like, THANK YOU FOR EXPLAINING ALL THAT. And she made a real smile. It was like when you're with a baby and it shits itself and then you clean it up and you're both happy. I felt happy and not retarded or coerced. We were talking about how my poor brain is little and shriveled and doesn't work very well. Neuropsychiatrist on deck to inquire as to what is up with that and for now MORE CELEXAAAAA.

Nothing sucks like a 'visiting the mentalists' post.

[Dooce capitals]