30 November 2009

today i got to comment on other student's drafts. so fun! i was constructive, not mean. i celebrated creative constructions and the trying out of ideas. i applied my limited expertise.

29 November 2009

my cat is a very good therapy cat. just when i was beginning to suspect that he had lost his mind and i was going to lose mine too he jumped up to where i was sitting and curled himself up, head at my knee. there are photos of us gazing adoringly at one another. we are calmer now.

28 November 2009

perhaps now i am healed?

i do feel fine and my life is getting back on track. there were measurable improvements before the medication switch. i know this works and i have a baseline for how much its introduction effects me and spikes psychotic symptoms. i also know that antipsychotics, across the board, are carcinogenic, and that i have the high prolactin level considered responsible. two years is considered about normal for recovery and i've done that time. my doctor asked if i wanted to try stopping the medication and i think when i see her next i want to talk about giving it a try. panic attack doesn't begin to describe where i was at the first time this worry came around... yuck.

the question of whether to produce zauber scarf or zauber socks, and in which colour, is agonizing. opinions please!

kombucha daughter!
I've been reading Foucault for eight years. The wide-eyed brain squee sensation accompanying my first-year attempt at The Archaeology of Knowledge has vanished, leaving in its place the sensation that I am engaging with the philosophical counterpart to le nouveau roman. Hence the infatuation with Nietzsche scholarship.

27 November 2009

i take the crappiest pictures on all the internet. above, zauberball and super zauberball. yaay!

26 November 2009

Walked home from the doctor muttering to myself. It does that to me.

I made my deadline today and now I can sleep.

25 November 2009

feature length. 1/3 of people have one episode and another 1/3 recover somewhat.

also, on the use of force.

24 November 2009

From panic to delight in one set of research guidelines for my term paper, found.
My little cousin speaks mostly in one-word directives. I was especially honoured to receive three on parting: "don't go anywhere." He has a wicked sense of humour and was happy his mum and dad had returned from Rome.

23 November 2009

mitten accomplished.

Whole Foods came through on my request for unpasturized kombucha (surely there were others), allowing me to try my hand at mushroom growing. Just a little one to start. I'm concerned that it will smell.

19 November 2009

it is never going to stop raining.

last night the power went out and i did homework by candlelight.

today i was drenched like a stray.

18 November 2009

Sat on the floor with a cat named Hugsey. Dude is seriously emaciated, grey and white with a long nose. He played for a bit, then curled himself into my lap, paws hugging my stomach. Cats will be your friend forever if you keep a lookout while they nap.
I baked a poppyseed torte - the Eastern European kind, with cups of seeds ground up and added to beaten eggwhites. When you add up the parts on both sides of the family I am one-half Alsatian and the poppyseeds come via that lineage. My dad keeps taking bigger and bigger slices, chasing the mellow high that comes with that first slice.

17 November 2009

Sometimes I get a zap of pleasure when I realize, yes, I am being totally full of shit and it is so working for me.
Yesterday I went out in the rain to put bird seed in the feeder, so that my cat could have avian entertainers. They haven't yet arrived. Cat is required to stay inside.
The norepinephrine kick from the new medicine seems to be wearing off. I'm relieved; it was exhausting. Too, the fearful feeling that my equilibrium is fragile is not there is the pervasive way it was, suggesting that it was a low-level symptom. Thanks for bearing with me.

16 November 2009

Cabinet Magazine offered me their sold-out back issues and I downloaded them all.

Thanks Cabinetmakers! (and watch out pointy sticks)
slept on cabbage leaves.

15 November 2009

my tiny bag of tea says

quangzhou milk oolong. This limited-edition oolong from the Wuyi Mountains of China is velvety smooth and lightly creamy, with a subtle hint of orchid. It's said that it came about when the moon fell in love with a comet. The comet passed her by, as comets will do. The moon cried milky tears, which chilled the tea fields, withering the leaves and giving them a delicate creaminess. It's been a rare luxury ever since.

my tea is pretentious.

13 November 2009

Me: "I had a dream. I was making golf balls out of fetuses."

Mrs Jones: "You want to kill babies, you see, and then make a game out of it. You are jealous of the other babies. Jealous of your brothers, jealous of my other patients. You want to kill them. And then you want to turn them into a little ball so you can smack them again. You want your mother and me to love only you."

- Elyn Saks, The Center Cannot Hold

It's like 'The Bell Jar' for psychotic kids. By kids I mean me.

12 November 2009

ziprasidone research.

rat test subjects didn't get cancer, unlike the mice tested (pituitary adenoma and carcinoma, mammary gland adenocarcinoma, showing dose related effect at (0.1 to 0.6 and 1 to 5 times the maximum recommended human dose [MRHD] ). also,

In animal studies ziprasidone demonstrated developmental toxicity, including possible teratogenic effects at doses similar to human therapeutic doses. ...

In rats, embryofetal toxicity (decreased fetal weights, delayed skeletal ossification) was observed following administration of 10 to 160 mg/kg/day (0.5 to 8 times the MRHD on a mg/m2 basis) during organogenesis or throughout gestation, but there was no evidence of teratogenicity. Doses of 40 and 160 mg/kg/day (2 and 8 times the MRHD on a mg/m2 basis) were associated with maternal toxicity. The developmental no-effect dose was 5 mg/kg/day (0.2 times the MRHD on a mg/m2 basis).

There was an increase in the number of pups born dead and a decrease in postnatal survival through the first 4 days of lactation among the offspring of female rats treated during gestation and lactation with doses of 10 mg/kg/day (0.5 times the MRHD on a mg/m2 basis) or greater. Offspring developmental delays and neurobehavioral functional impairment were observed at doses of 5 mg/kg/day (0.2 times the MRHD on a mg/m2 basis) or greater. A no-effect level was not established for these effects."

lucky for me i only needed to know to get some potassium and magnesium in case my non-anxious chest pain was related to QT-prolongation and I am about to have a heart attack and die.

I am surprised they tested with such low doses.

10 November 2009

I am liking the new Fennesz/Sparklehorse, In the Fishtank 15. Does anyone else have this proclivity?

Today it poured rain. I sat in Red Cat Records, which is a pretty cozy place, and became acquainted with Stars of the Lid, which was a recommendation. "Noise," he called it. Mine own arctic cinemascope, Fennesz, whereas Stars of the Lid is overstuffed chairs in an empty concert hall.

09 November 2009

ziprasidone diary, day four

I'm totally believing the hype on improved executive functioning. I feel like screaming and hiding (agitated) but I do not.

08 November 2009

This is the "Turner" yarn. I am making a sock. The photo is not very good, the colour is more mossy.

07 November 2009

I watched a film about a man who committed suicide by starving himself to death in a french bog. A marais. The film consisted of the notes the man made as his body shut down. How he was surprised ten days in that he could still jerk off, how he had rigged up a funnel to drain his piss away from the plastic shelter he had made. His sense of humour was an old boyfriend's. It made me think I had mistaken pleasure in nurturing for love.
Ziprasidone diary, day one.

So far so good. Ziprasidone was initiated to stop milk production before I decide to try it in my tea. Still spilled on myself as I got out of the shower. Things looked a little bright this morning; by dinner I was anxious and my hands were not coordinating properly. A little agitation is par for the course, if I'm not making the above up they probably have more to do with the cold damp weather. Dr. and I are starting at half the normal starting dose. This is the kind of over-awareness I have of my body.

The last time I was on an "effective" dose of antipsychotic I had really frequent and upsetting breakthrough symptoms. Five months of rigorously healthy and low-stress living on what a lot of people would probably view as a "for show" dose of risperidone have stabilized me without those breakthroughs (unless a psych person is poking), but it felt like a tenuous existence.
Today trains in two directions were running on one track and I was on a party train, stopped.

"Oh my god I'm so tired of waiting!"

Said the girl behind me. "All my boyfriends always go to jail!"

So funny. "Are you Irish?" her companion asked a Scot.

"Where is that homeless guy"

"We don't know if he was yelling at us, he wasn't looking at us."

"I want to go home to my couch," the big short indian guy next to me said, over his headphones. "John Fogerty is on PBS tonight. From CCR, my old party band." He smiles.

06 November 2009

oh god.

"Accused Gunman, Army Psychiatrist, in Stable Condition"

05 November 2009

Went to see my doctor today.

She said, "damn your brain is slow. Your drugs don't work. (Unless you're secretly coked out and this is a side effect.)"

"You ARE crazy. Want me to spell that?"




I said, "schizo-a what?"

"That sounds like a fake disorder."

04 November 2009


I am generous with cat toys. We have two of his favourite sponge balls (I will crawl around to retreive them from under furniture, which makes him purr), fur balls of varying dimensions, a little rubber spiky thing, and some stupid looking feathered things rubbed down in the outdoor catnip plant. All brightly coloured. I take care to select things that he will like and do not overpay.

03 November 2009

There are parts of me that remain like worn out shoes. It is a relief when I see them again and they are no longer appealing. They are likewise hard to get rid of, even when banished.
Claude Levi-Strauss has died, age 100.

02 November 2009

if i can't do my homework outside in a warm bog i will listen to the new sparklehorse ("in the fishtank 15") and sigor ros ("agaetis byrjun") and pretend i am in a frozen uninhabited north.
minor dilemmas of the modern age: iTunes is cheap, but I really do notice and appreciate the richer sound quality of cds. I remember missing the analog noise of tapes; nothing is so painful as the sharp edged noise of flattened out and compressed computer file music as $19 cds. it looks as though major retailers are disappearing. by all accounts the music industry is spectacularly bad at what it does.

my considered opinion is, to quote Nice Cave, iTunes goes "jingle-jangle" and soundscapes are worth double, yet I am willing to pay only 150%.