17 November 2009

Sometimes I get a zap of pleasure when I realize, yes, I am being totally full of shit and it is so working for me.


Mad Bird said...

Aren't we all full of shit? I know am, at least.

It was meant to be a raw post, so thanks. It was straight from what was running through my head the night before when I had trouble falling asleep, nearly word-for-word (I have a weird memory of certain things sometimes).

Vulnerability, yes. I am so scared of food, right now. Paralyzing fear, and I don't know why - it's completely irrational, and completely real. If someone made me eat, gave me a plate of food, and tried to make me eat, I'd burst into tears. I'm so hungry right now, but every time I think of maybe eating, I can't bring myself to. This isn't a choice right now, this is me being more scared than hungry. The fear of food outweighs my hunger currently.

wrenna said...

a while ago someone was telling about an interest in psychology directed at emotions being stored in the body. it was difficult and emotional getting to the point you're at now... and now you're not telling yourself to stop eating. whatever it is, it is a very intense experience.

Soren Lorensen said...


I simply adoooore lying

it is the only thing I am naturally good at

Mad Bird said...

Yeah, it is. It's scary and a bit thrilling, because I don't know what the hell's going to happen, but something IS. I'm on the verge of something, but very bad or very good, I have no idea. Probably can't be good, but I mean good to my mind. I know I'm on the verge of losing some badass weight, which is scaring me rather than exciting me, like I always thought it would. I almost don't want to. I want to say, "never mind, I don't want to do this anymore, I change my mind. I want out." But you can't do that, can you?

Mad Bird said...

I hate lying. I feel so sad and bad and guilty and horrid.

wrenna said...

but I'm not talking about lying I'm talking about my feelings!

Soren Lorensen you are a very very badass liar.

Mad Bird I send you soothing thoughts. You sound lonely.

Mad Bird said...

Hahaha! I thought you meant full of shit as in lying-full-of-shit! Obviously so did Soren! Heehee!

I guess she is a badass liar. :)

Mmmm, I'm lonely in this area, because I can't let anyone know in my life right now what is going on with me. Not even my therapist or psychiatrist. I should, but I can't. I tried, and not so good things happened, so I clammed up. But I'm not lonely 100%. I mean, I have 2 very close friends, and about 1 and half handfuls of close friends. I could confide in the very close friends almost everything - and one of them actually had an eating disorder pretty badly and recovered recently. She absolutely knows what it's like. The other has had eating disordered thoughts, and has been depressed, and has been molested, yet has worked through her pain. And because of that is a much more beautiful person than she ever could have been if she had just stayed in her comfortable areas, afraid of facing her pain. She could help me get through this (they both could) if I was ready to let her.

Thank you for the soothing thoughts, I'll try to catch them! (maybe I did, I "took the long way home" like the song, today, and it was nice)

Soren Lorensen said...

oh well maybe so but I still love lying

do forgive the misunderstanding : )

Mad Bird said...