09 December 2009

all of the insightful things i had to say about psychosis spilled out in the er the first time i was hospitalized. "it's like all the anxieties that i had on the inside were being acted out externally." psychosis is internal anguish, but it is a radically externally oriented state. for me it wasn't creative at all and it is still difficult to produce my own abstractions and responses that are not strict reproductions of what i've observed elsewhere.


Mad Bird said...

That must be frustrating sometimes.

I barely have control over my own self. My anxieties are about to break out of their reigns any day now, it feels like. I can just see myself going wild, spiraling into a crescendo of screaming and tearing at skin and eyes and spinning/running/falling... then I'm back, and I realize I haven't yet. But when will I snap? That scares me. Do you think it could happen? Like people say, could I "go crazy," to use a crude term?

wrenna said...

i feel that way too sometimes. stress can manifest itself in crazy ways, whether it's coming from inside or outside you. you know about fight or flight responses, and a body being in that kind of state long term can spin off its own innovative psychological and physiological craziness. i don't think i can or want to be, "scared straight" by those things. i think more along the lines of, well, those feelings are scary, and i try to slow down and be gentle with myself, recognize where they might be coming from and break that down into parts that i might be able to do something about. for some things you can't, and then it's important to have people to listen. i make sure i'm sleeping well and getting my bit of exercise every day and plan not to consume too much caffeine.

in general, the kind of advice i've gotten about staying well is that it's important to have positive, supportive relationships in which you feel listened to and respected, if not always perfectly understood. having outlets for feelings, a role in your family and community and a bit of a routine are protective too.

so. be gentle with yourself, remember to stop and enjoy the scenery, consider that being your own boss can be liberating because you get to say when, and that sometimes its okay to cry or ask for a hug or write poems.