15 December 2009

i know that i was depressed as a child, and certainly before i got to highschool.
there were years, nine, especially when i got to university when i had very little social contact with other people. now there are all kinds of little social, sociable, conversational, agonistic or antagonistic things that people do that i just don't know how to do. it's difficult to describe, maybe a literary analogy is that it's like speaking without modifiers, and socially i am uncertain whether i am hearing correctly.

what i had was mild, and it wasn't until my thinking was definitely impaired that i was willing to get help.  i was pretty resilient.  i am not depressed now. i learned "coping skills," which, though i'm not sure, amount to a new openness and flexibility. make a list, mix with a problem-based orientation, add curiosity and serve. my anti-depressant makes me more impulsive, i doubt that part would've helped me as a teenager. it's not possible for me to imagine how i might have turned out differently: i remember how perfectionistic i was and how busy my mind was, ruminating, but connecting with people was not my focus. i doubt i would be smarter, though that is something that would make me happier. today being with other people still feels like visiting foreign places.


Soren Lorensen said...

i honestly think that the smarter a person is the smaller their chances of happiness

hearing correctly, seeing correctly

I object to the idea of correct

there is a difference, a disconnect, between your experience and that of others,

but they are not correct and you are not wrong

the world must recognise that happy is not correct and sad is not incorrect

and we cannot assume that happy is the best thing to be, it is just packaged that way

sorry, late night ramble blah blah blah.

wrenna said...

thank you very much for the ramble. i think you're an example of what you're talking about, and that it's a very honest and self respecting way to live. i think it was hard for child me to adapt to the way that i was. grown up me has had to learn to be gentle and relax and to accommodate a lot more of myself.