i know that i was depressed as a child, and certainly before i got to highschool.
there were years, nine, especially when i got to university when i had very little social contact with other people. now there are all kinds of little social, sociable, conversational, agonistic or antagonistic things that people do that i just don't know how to do. it's difficult to describe, maybe a literary analogy is that it's like speaking without modifiers, and socially i am uncertain whether i am hearing correctly.
what i had was mild, and it wasn't until my thinking was definitely impaired that i was willing to get help. i was pretty resilient. i am not depressed now. i learned "coping skills," which, though i'm not sure, amount to a new openness and flexibility. make a list, mix with a problem-based orientation, add curiosity and serve. my anti-depressant makes me more impulsive, i doubt that part would've helped me as a teenager. it's not possible for me to imagine how i might have turned out differently: i remember how perfectionistic i was and how busy my mind was, ruminating, but connecting with people was not my focus. i doubt i would be smarter, though that is something that would make me happier. today being with other people still feels like visiting foreign places.
18 hours ago