30 December 2009

more crazy and less crazy stomp after one another through my brain. i keep hoping i will wake up and it will be over. please can it be over?

one of my aunts was a bit of a drunk and a bitch for christmas, but worst of all she fed us butterball turkey. i took my pills as scheduled in the car on the way home and then mouthed, "mother. fucker.," as pain seared through my chest. for fuck's sake, she's had cancer and she's a pharmaceutical rep. now i'm all spazz about it, worrying i'm feeling pain every time i eat and none of my underthings are comfortable. i'm fine, fine, just wishing i'd stuck to nuts for dinner.

12 comments:

Soren Lorensen said...

mother. fucker.

I like that

Mad Bird said...

No superhero, but thank you, though.

Nuts are much better than turkey, easily no doubt about that.

wrenna said...

thank you, ladies. i so appreciate it.

Mad Bird said...

My father as a child and my littlest brother now are very similar in face... (thinking of what you said about old photos). But my father as a teenager very much resembles myself, except I inherited my mom's square jawbones, and my dad does not have those.

Yet when I look at any photo of my mom, I keep seeing alternating flashes of myself, then her, then me, then her. I guess it's just obvious that I'm the child of both of them! Genes do mix...

Old photos of grand- and great-grandparents are even better. Because I see myself in both my grandmothers. I don't have many photos of my grandfathers. But for some reason, even though I've never met my grandfathers (died before I was born), I really love my paternal grandfather. I think I relate to him a lot. He has been described as, and seems to be, a quiet and reserved individual, saying the wrong things therefore being misunderstood, but meaning well - most of the time.

Ever heard the song "Old Man" by Neil Young? I first heard that song when I happened to be sorting old photos, and I was looking intently at a family shot with my paternal grandfather in it. And that song very much made me feel such a connection and love between me and him, even though I'd never met him. And every time I hear or play it, I always think of him, my grandfather. If you haven't heard the song, I strongly advise you listen to it at free napster or something, but the particular line that struck me was, "Old man look at my life, I'm a lot like you were..." But it's a really beautiful, haunting, eerie, and lovely song. Makes you just THINK. One of those songs.

I think old photos do that, too, make you sit and just think. So a song that does that plus photos... interesting mix. Puts you in an interesting state of mind.

thesundaygap said...

Stomping around like elephants in a huff, friend. What IS it about the holidays? I feel like a light bulb that's not screwed in...quite..tight...enough. Flickery. And kind of dangerous.
Mental hugs!

wrenna said...

Birdie - I do know Neil Young. I probably wouldn't have reacted if I hadn't had a conversation about these things with her the week previous, and if she hadn't been hostile and made me feel so vile about my life. I think you're right, the connections we make for ourselves are important, but sometimes they correspond to two completely different realities.

Sunday - and you still make it beautiful.

Mad Bird said...

AAAHHH, you do know his songs? Then have you heard Old Man? What else of his do you know?

And then, do you know some songs from when he joined with Crosby, Stills, & Nash? Like Teach Your Children?

You're awesome, Wrenna!

wrenna said...

hmmm... i am more of a "rocking in the free world" girl myself. i also like "like a hurricane."

Mad Bird said...

Do you know more artists/groups from that period? Or folksy ones? Just curious if you do.

wrenna said...

i like david bowie, nick drake and the velvet underground, if they count. also the rolling stones. van morrison. the records my friends' parents had included the beatles and pink floyd. we spent a fair amount of time listening to 'i am the walrus,' which is my favourite.

which ones do you like?

Mad Bird said...

A good variety, but some examples would be Peter, Paul, & Mary, The Beatles, Simon & Garfunkel, Gordon Lightfoot, Bob Dylan, Fleetwood Mac, John Denver, Jim Croce, Kansas, Melanie... Some such as that. My dad has a record player and I have records. I LOVE playing records. It is the nicest thing. Nothing compares to the sound quality that comes from records, with the hint of static, and the minute scratches. I adore records. I'd choose them over computer/CD music any day.

Mad Bird said...

I am the walrus... Interesting one. Gugukachu!