07 December 2009

psychological autopsy

my imaginary daughter has gone away. i don't recall having imaginary friends as a child, although i did construct an imaginary world in grade four, and codes. so this is a special loss i guess, of what was a significant psychological event, because it wasn't a hallucination but a thought i had.
my imaginary daughter came from my psychologist. i was becoming psychotic and he was making some sort of issue about me being nurturing. i had asked how to make the thoughts of killing myself go away. at first my imaginary child was a very upsetting thought, much like the upsetting thoughts i had about transit officials and the old lady adjusting her nylons on the train. there was one time i could have gotten pregnant, a blankly anxious time simultaneous to the relationship i was in failing. i was fine, i was free, i would lie awake at night feeling my heart beat in my stomach long after i knew there was nothing there. i associated my imaginary daughter with that story, and had already told myself another one, about how i did not want to be connected to someone who found me as intolerable as i did him, and also how i could not be a parent to someone with his qualities, and then i read this story and determined her to be a disaster, the end. however, my psychologist could be a bit of a sadistic bastard and i was rattled, as well as silently contemplating fertility issues associated with cancer. i knew i was insane, the point is that the emotions involved were completely compelling. i looked at kids riding the train with their moms and tried to assemble mine's face. i imagined her sitting on my lap leaning against my chest, three years old, and tried to figure out what we were doing and what we'd be talking about. it was difficult to do in detail. i imagined us very concretely in the situations i was in and not what might be, or what i might like them to be, as i now think might have been fun. i didn't pick out cute clothes. my imagination is pretty lame. i attended to other people's parenting strategies and read a little bit about child development. eventually i noticed there was a feeling in my chest, and that it and my imaginary daughter arrived when i was feeling awful and stressed out. long before i became psychotic, i started to find anyone touching me completely intolerable. i decided my brain was sending me a hug, and that was pretty sweet, and then i knew my imaginary daughter was pissed off for being given away and i tried to tell her i liked her but she was gone. i feel like i murdered her with cognitive behavioral therapy and then i sort of laugh. it surprises me how shallow and reactive my psychology is, yet i always work through everything at a glacial pace.


Mad Bird said...

So how long did you have your imaginary daughter? Was it for long or was it very fast?

wrenna said...

since may. she gave me the boot last week. it's very kind of you to comment of this bit of weirdness. i can't think of a less judgmental thing you could have said. i'm sorry i don't know how to do that for you. this story is quite clearly me making a case of me making something out of nothing and of things not being that bad. i wanted to see if getting it out there, here where i feel safe and much less embarrassed than i otherwise would be would help me feel better about my coping strategies and create a buffer against other delusions if they were to come back.

thesundaygap said...

I heart you, wrenna dear.