29 January 2010

i am a bit frustrated that i was not able to keep records like this of talking with the good psychologist. he told me to and that i would want them but i found it too difficult to face.
i wanted so badly to feel good and he could help me do that.

i was taking a lot of medication at the time, probably too much. i had trouble thinking clearly. my head felt empty of thoughts and what was there i recognized as inauthentic to the way that my mind works, and rejected what ideas i did have. the medication, which i was taking a lot of, didn't work very well, or as is pretty typical of higher doses, allowed the psychotic thoughts through without warning, in a way that was intensely upsetting. i had no idea what to do with it and would just scrawl, "paranoid" across my daybook.

i'm calmer now and more accepting of things becoming strange. i took the good things that the doctor could be for me, in terms of problem solving to my life's requirements and ineffable personal qualia insomuch as i could absorb them, but i'm not in such a hurry to toss out the psychosis. right now that is what works. i couldn't connect those things until after our time was up.


Soren Lorensen said...

but you did connect them

that is good

that matters

wrenna said...


Mad Bird said...

I think I may understand a little. Even though our things aren't identical. I want so terrible bad to be free of this leviathon ED. But I am not ready to let go of it. I have no other coping mechanism strong enough to deal with what's going on, and I fear I'd sink if I let go of it now. Unless I learn to hold onto I Am That I Am. He is the only thing, the only thing I would ever consider could carry the weight of things. But I'm still afraid to let go of the leviathon and grab God's hand instead. Sometimes too tired. Sometimes too awful of a person, and I deserve a leviathon's jaws rather than a loving God's arms; even though I abhor the disorder. I abhor myself as well. Difficult situation to decide to fight a leviathon, when one doesn't deserve to be free.

I think I may understand a little.

wrenna said...

hm. i think i meant good in a sense of well being and happiness, not a christian-platonic sense of approaching an ultimate ideal, and that because things were not written down it took me longer to notice patterns emerging. i found psychotic thoughts to be a lot different than anything else, particularly suicidal thoughts, which is about as close as i ever got to self-harming behavior.

the thoughts about self harm were not something that it was always helpful for me to talk about - sometimes is was better to recognize that i didn't want to think about it and stop. when they did feel intrusive i found it very much helpful to talk to someone with special training. they were able to meet me where i was, and if the conversation didn't feel good, it was best for me to end it. things didn't change all at once, but i was able to feel more at peace. "stop having your eating disorder" is not helpful advice, nor is it a conversation.

if you're feeling overwhelmed i think it's a really good idea to talk to someone, be it a priest or minister, a local crisis line (good for all kinds of emotional situations, check your phone book), or nami, the national alliance on mental illness, where you can connect with someone on the web.