i am a bit frustrated that i was not able to keep records like this of talking with the good psychologist. he told me to and that i would want them but i found it too difficult to face.
i wanted so badly to feel good and he could help me do that.
i was taking a lot of medication at the time, probably too much. i had trouble thinking clearly. my head felt empty of thoughts and what was there i recognized as inauthentic to the way that my mind works, and rejected what ideas i did have. the medication, which i was taking a lot of, didn't work very well, or as is pretty typical of higher doses, allowed the psychotic thoughts through without warning, in a way that was intensely upsetting. i had no idea what to do with it and would just scrawl, "paranoid" across my daybook.
i'm calmer now and more accepting of things becoming strange. i took the good things that the doctor could be for me, in terms of problem solving to my life's requirements and ineffable personal qualia insomuch as i could absorb them, but i'm not in such a hurry to toss out the psychosis. right now that is what works. i couldn't connect those things until after our time was up.
18 hours ago