My friend/ex's concept of helpful communication is to be as a mallet whenever I clam up. It's painful, but faster.I've recommended that he never take a job in the psych field. Although upon further thought I have realized that paying money for an emotional beating might be a lot healthier than offering love/sex.Where does the need to clamp so tightly shut come from? I spend a lot of time trying to figure out what I'm so afraid of.Take care of yourself, w. I know we only get to see what you put forth, but if this probing process has you agitated, take the time to find a quiet place.
being hit by a mallet isn't really my speed. i think maybe i get a bit upset at being made vulnerable, and at the other person being stronger or just made of something more blunt. i also get scared strong emotions are or will make me crazy. i thought about taking a break but sitting with this myself just magnified the creepy.. and then creepy starts to grow paranoid heads. you're a pretty safe crowd and sort of abstractly knowing i have company helped me be with my discomfort and find the useful parts in a less-weird way. one thing that quickly and reliably helps when things go awry is giving them a more distanced reading. i have limited physical people in the world i can do this with, and really, being less immediately involved with people feels pretty alright for now. at the other extreme, it helps that i'm a bit more self-reflective when writing here, and also as opposed to in a diary, which tends to be really painful and squidgey. i know i frighten you. you've taken the brunt of a lot of stuff but you seem okay about backing off when it's not right for you.
as a child i ruminated extensively. i don't hold a lot inside now. thoughts are for doing things with, that's how they stay alive (as in midrash) or for practicing mindfulness (which i should do more).
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