03 January 2010

[screaming, mentally.] this anxiety is purely psychological. my brain buries stress in fantastically convoluted ways. it's a gaudi house in here.

12 comments:

Mad Bird said...

In my honor? Why me? What for? What video was it?

But you do have a point there - that makes sense. If my body is "make up the debt" then that would explain why extra calories aren't YET being turned to fat... Uh oh. Then I'm not off the hook. Eeek.

Mad Bird said...

I'm sorry you're anxious. Anxiety sucks, and there's nothing much ever that can be done about it, and that sucks, too. I hope it passes soon.

Mad Bird said...

He is, I think. That is, checking for speed. My psych hasn't come outright and said it, but I'm quite sure he suspects something of the sort, because he's only doing the basic 5, and none of the other drugs on there but speed would cause much significant weight loss (which ephedrine can cause a false positive for because of similar molecular structure, metabolites, and basic overall function). Good thing I never did order any adderall, ritalin, or vyvanse! Those REALLY would have shown up 100% positive. Some people get away with taking ephedrine right up to during their drug tests and still test negative. It's just since it's a possibility that I play it safe.

Factory Supervisor said...

I like your gaudi house.

wrenna said...

Birdie, the video is here

http://www.providencehealthcare.org/
dept_of_medicine/podcasts.html

cocaine decreases appetite, causes feelings of confidence and increased energy. some models do it, and i've heard students around here use it write papers. i'm not sure what it costs relative to the pills you're taking, but i suspect that, along with availability may be a factor motivating the drug testing for you.

you know street drugs are dangerous but i am going to rant anyhow. i think it's worth considering the ethical issues around drug use. just as a start, i have no idea where the offshore pharmacy you buy things from gets its drugs or who serves to profit from them. as i see it, they are profiting while you are doing harm to yourself.

i tend to the 'no country for old men' school of thought on illegal drugs... their use supports crime and gangs and murder, devastates the lives of people who can't say no, while i'm sure there are students at your college who want to become doctors that have dabbled to get ahead. that's not cool at all by me.

you were right when you asked before, ephedrine can cause psychosis in vulnerable people, as can cocaine.

wrenna said...

when a person isn't ready to give up their drugs, the goal is harm reduction. so, i'm trying to be aware as a route to harm reduction.

Mad Bird said...

okay.

Mad Bird said...

Just really stressed and anxious, as my parents are away at the cancer center in another city this week for more tests for my mom. One of my brothers is sick, and my baby sister is also sick, and last night her pulse-ox kept alarming all night every 10-20 minutes because either her oxygen level or heart rate kept dipping too low. I had to keep patting her back to get her to cough stuff up. But I can't really take a nap, too much to do today. Gahhhh...

Mad Bird said...

Sorry for dumping that on you.

wrenna said...

don't be sorry at all! really, you can say all you want about this family stuff and i'll listen. i wish i could do more to help you out and let you get some rest. it sounds like you're being mom and nurse simultaneously right now. my doctor would say that you need to look out for yourself first, but i don't think that ever feels simple. hugs.

Mad Bird said...

That's what everyone's been saying - take care of me first, so I can take care of others. But I can't, I don't feel like I should, like I'm a priority. My mom's a priority, my baby sister's a priority, the house being clean (for my mom) is a priority, getting the crazy-long todo lists done is a priority... Not "taking care of me," whatever the hell that means. I don't even know what that means, either. Never could wrap my mind around that concept.

Mad Bird said...

Oh, Wrenna. Knowing God won't abandon me or forget me or leave me to my own devices, no matter how I may cover myself in darkness and shame and sickness and pain, sometimes that is the ONLY thing keeping me going. Keeping me from shutting down entirely, which I have almost done several times. When everything else keeps changing and falling to the ground around me, God is the only constant. The only thing I can cling to and know won't move or change or leave me. Even my eating disorder can't compare. Because I don't want my eating disorder. It isn't "good." And God, I don't know, this sounds corny, but he just is. Good, I mean. So I want him more than I want an eating disorder. Sometimes at night I just cry for him to save me from all of this.

I'm taking care of my school, even though it's getting harder, now. Motivation's lacking when you're burnt out, of course. But I'm keeping my grades higher than I should, with all that's going on. Last spring my grades took a nose-dive (one A, one F, two Cs), after being on the president's list of a 4.0 GPA. This was because bulimia began consuming my life, and I would skip classes and put off assignments in favor of b/p-ing. But I'm retaking the F and C classes to raise my GPA again, with pleasing results. My F class I took this past fall, and I made an A! I was so stoked. It was one of my worst subjects, too - english. No, I'm going to keep up with school. I've got a system where I get ahead in my assignments in the beginning of the semester when my steam is going, and then by the end, when I'm tired out, I have much less to do (while all my classmates are doing the opposite, and pulling their hair out - haha!). And I have a color-coded set of monthly calendar pages in my binder planner. It's all ready. I won't let myself get behind. I'll keep up. I'll eat. Just not much, and not until night time, and not more than I feel like, even if it's just a bite or two. But that way I'll have something on which to run my brain, some glucose. I've learned brains just don't work as well on ketones. I mean, they function, yes, but it's low-quality fuel.