18 January 2010

there is a boy i was thinking about asking out for a drink. he set me up to ask the question. he's a drinker and somewhat angry, although i hope the two don't really combine. i don't want to make him nice and his kind of social game is not particularly fun or exciting for me. he's smarter than me, academically my brain isn't working, and as much fun as it is to listen to someone be smart i don't want to be yet another person's grad school cheerleader. in my experience doing so is not a gift that gives much back, either. so i guess what i'm saying is i don't think he wants to be friends and this is an opportunity i don't really want, although i think we could be friendly and don't know anyone else who will go to a whiskey bar with me and there are a lot of i don't knows i'm making here. and what if i've only seen his annoying habits?

my sense of self now feels vaguely eroded. i think the bottom line is, i need to keep meeting new people.


wrenna said...

sunday was supposed to make this a teaching story about histories of sorts of relationships with people that have made me unhappy, while i have decided that such is not a foregone conclusion, although i would prefer to spend time with a gentler dynamic. instead we discussed discretion on her blog. :(

Soren Lorensen said...

this sounds dangerous

don't walk into a minefield just because you don't know where else you should go

wrenna said...

i don't think he is dangerous but thanks, i think feeling bad about my social skills would all-round make me feel bad and that would be dangerous.

in general men scare me a bit... i am tall but they are bigger, i am generally not quick to get angry or frustrated... and when my dad does, though he is not violent at all, it tends to be something that he doesn't have a lot of conscious acceptance of about himself, in the sense that psych people refer to insight... and i am uncomfortable with men potentially doing this, as i am when they seem to smooth, socially, "doing the 'right' thing," or the socially correct thing, etc.. it's unfamiliar and i don't trust it.

thanks very much for having this discussion with me.

thesundaygap said...

Hah! I was going to comment when I read this, but you seemed to have walked yourself through to the conclusion I would have come to by the end of your post.

I always struggle with the balance between learning from my mistakes and an listing to my intuitive sense about people and allowing each new person I meet be their own unpredictable entity. This struggle keeps me from meeting many people, and so the categories I see people as fitting into rarely change shape. I see it as a character flaw, but I cling to it like a safety blanket because of the times I have been proved right.

That masculine temper terrifies me too - I have absolutely no idea where it comes from or how it seems to dissipate so completely. That being said, I spend most of my time with men. I like the idea of you having a whiskey bar partner - perhaps a slightly less sensitive but still positive perspective in your life would be a good thing?

We don't have to make people into people we've met/loved/hated before. At least I have hope that we don't.

I like how thoughtful you are. Have I mentioned that? I think it is very special.

wrenna said...

thank you for helping. your words are much humbling and much appreciated.