28 February 2010

lately i've been feeling i need to tune my own brain out.
Newton's laws, the principle of contradiction, any truth whatsoever--these are true only as long as Da-sein is; and only as long as Da-sein is. Before there was any Da-sein, there was no truth; nor will there be any after Da-sein is no more. For in such a case, truth as uncoveredness... cannot be. Before Newton's laws were discovered, they were not 'true.' (SZ, 269)
when i get sad i look for heidegger. sometimes there are puns, sometimes warmhearted laughter, sometimes horror. sometimes it sounds like someone talking dirty and sometimes it is trash talk.

27 February 2010

i am not writing about: studying, the phone call this evening, who i haven't called back yet, kvetching uselessly and helplessly, my supper, watching tv on a computer with my mom, the chapter i'm reading to get my brain working, feeling sad, my cat chasing wind socks on the tv, tiny sprouts growing in little pots.

26 February 2010

okay so today to cheer myself up i tried on cute, spring-inspired underthings. i had imagined going about in cute underthings as an antidote to rainy days but none of the cute things looked any good on me. i chatted with a salesgirl about how disappointed i was and settled on not looking campy. then i went to another store and talked about clothes with girls who were happy and dished admiration for their beautiful qualities and we were all happy. i think i might have been a little bit high from forgetting a pill in the morning but no one thought i was that weird.

22 February 2010

what babies know. theory of mind in very early childhood.

20 February 2010

so i am reading this book of lacanian inspired psychiatry and... i think it is inherently sexist, but ideas are connecting with me intuitively and inspire me to re-synthesize philosophical reading i've done in ways that are interesting. i'm not quite sure how to make notes. if anyone has suggestions for making reading notes please advise me.
today i felt the olympic spirit as a man collecting bottles gave me some pins while we waited for the train. pin trading, you will know, is a tradition amoung athletes. one was about god ("from Denmark"), the other was a Salvation Army pin ("others" - win!). he told me he'd said he would pass them on because they would just fall off him. also, a story about a house he bought with the proceeds of selling cocaine and gave to the daughter a woman had to trap him, because the daughter graduated highschool and he had only made it to fifth grade. the woman became worse off than he, i think. if dealing with the psych system has had one benefit it is that i can comfortably get on with just about anyone i meet and it feels sane, comfortable and meaningful. it's so much more difficult with people for whom social success is a form of privledge they hardly know they have, such is the ease with which they make it happen.
i bit the bullet and increased my medication, hoping for greater freedom from psychotic incidents. it is not as bad as past increases had been but i can feel an unfamiliar weight in my body, as if my specific gravity has been increased.

16 February 2010

el gato and i soaked up the late afternoon sun outside on the porch. sometimes i wonder how i brought home such a smelly, grumpy cat and then he reminds me with his soothing cat magic.

which leaves us to wonder, how did ms. works-a-lot become so lazy?

15 February 2010

the a bao a qu

if one wishes to gaze upon the most marvelous landscape in the world, one must go to the topmost story of the Tower of Victory in Chitor. there, one will find a circular terrace from which one commands a view clear to the horizon, all around. a spiral staircase leads up to this terrace, and yet the only persons who dare venture up the stairs are those who do not believe in the fable, which goes like this:

on the staircase of the Tower of Victory, there has lived from the beginning of time the A Bao A Qu, which is sensitive to the virtues possessed by human souls. it lives upon the first step in a state of lethargy, and comes to conscious life only when someone climbs the stairs, the vibration of the person as he approaches infuses the creature with life, and an inward light begins to glow within it. at the same time, its body and its virtually translucent skin begin to ripple and stir. when a person climbs the stairs, the A Bao A Qu follows almost on the person's heels, climbing up after him, clinging to the edge of the curved treds worn down by the feet of generations of pilgrims. on each step, the creature's colour grows more intense, its form becomes more perfect, and the light that emanates from it shines ever brighter. proof of the creature's sensitivity is the fact that it achieves its perfect form only when it reaches the topmost step, when the person who has climbed the stairs has become a fully evolved and realized spirit. in all other cases, the A Bao A Qu remains as though paralyzed, midway up the staircase, its body incomplete, its colour still undefined, its light unsteady. when it cannot achieve its perfect form, the A Bao A Qu suffers great pain, and its moaning is a barely perceptible murmer similar to the whisper of silk. but when the man or woman that revives the creature is filled with purity, the A Bao A Qu is able to reach the topmost step, completely formed and radiating a clear blue light. its return to life is brief, however, for when the pilgrim descends the stairs again, the A Bao A Qu rolls down to the first step once more, where, now muted and resembling some faded picture with vague outlines, it awaits the next visitor to the Tower. the creature becomes fully visible only when it reaches the midpoint of the staircase, where the extensions of its body (which, like little arms, help it to climb the stairs) take on clear definition. there are those who say that it can see with its entire body, and that its skin feels like that of a peach. down through all the centuries, the A Bao A Qu has reached perfection only once.

Captain Richard Francis Burton records the legend of the A Bao A Qu in one of the notes to his version of The Thousand and One Nights.

-Jorge Louis Borges, The Book of Imaginary Beings. Translation Margarita Guerrero. 1967.

14 February 2010

i just e-mailed my sister who has been going to the hospital all week for antibiotic treatment to tell her how to get in touch with me if she ever wants. i said sorry multiple times although she never tried to contact me. this is the way i passive-aggressively attack her for mutilating herself when she was a teenager and then spending months screaming out her anger at me after her secret was found out. she rejected me then and she still does now. i've yet to become telepathic.

13 February 2010

i am having endurance issues associated with writing. my forehead gets very hot and then i lose the tempo at which i effectively shift focus to problem solve. my head gets cotton-batten stuffed and i don't know what to do with all the information, as opposed to the empty confusion where i begin. i am badly out of shape. is it a close reading or an analytic debate? it is taking forever.

11 February 2010

memories must somehow be represented physically in the brain. brain chemistry and structure is altered by experience and the stability of these physicochemical changes presumably corresponds to the retention duration of memory. so what exactly is a memory? what kind of physical trace is left in the brain after we have learnt some new skill or fact? what is forgetting and why are some memories quickly forgotten and others never return? these are questions to which i shall return...
- memory, a very short introduction

09 February 2010

mark bittman should have invited me to antarctica.
my relative and i make each other psychotic. sigh. she says i should try the telephone.
douglas coupland and potato flake snow. i am too young for douglas coupland.

08 February 2010

i was in a small room with seven cats, all looking at me.

- don't ask me

- i don't know

- don't ask me

- WHO DAT?

- doused my bedding in my water dish in the night. don't look at me. am going to HIDE now.

- am going to hide ALSO.

- AM IN PAIN. SAVE ME. purrrr.

07 February 2010

i built a tower of library books on the floor.

06 February 2010

talking with my schizophrenic relative made apparent some unexpected similarities - an associative thinking style, intellectual interests of unnerving similarity, similar dreams given up on, an independence that can be socially awkward. there are family traits too - a sense of being morally ill at ease if we're not constantly working, specifically for someone else. the way she values sensitivity and intuition is something i can grow on. she's smarter than me and made a joke about nietzsche's ruminating cows via temple grandin. i hate some of the medicalization that she has accepted - a constant angry testing.

i only get this spam, this noise about being aware so that no one takes advantage, from doctors. in retrospect, each time it infuriates me with its small-mindedness and disrespect. it is a mostly maladaptive mindset, imposing certain fixed views on a world of complex motives, causes and understandings, with which to train people who are most easily marginalized to get along. it's judging people in advance. it's a walking persecutory delusion for people who are doing nothing illegal. i ask whether they think they do enough to talk about positive agency and they splutter and talk about drug use.
i always schedule time to completely lose my marbles (this happens when i can't find things), and then to sweep the floor.

05 February 2010

as much as i will point out that the olympics are a celebration of elitism and of patriotism, i like patriotism and mindless flame worship less. today i got to go watch russian figure skaters train (for free) and their skill was inspiring.

04 February 2010

my friend has been talking about the poverty olympics for years. i think she went and did it.

03 February 2010

i want a faster processing speed for my brain. enough to make up the 15 or however many IQ points that separate doctors and me without cynicism.

the dentist did me a favour by explaining wisdom tooth extraction in great detail, including ancillary points about half paralyzed faces. i got more information about what my antipsychotic is messing with from him than i have gotten out of my doctor, ever. then he told me to go get my hormones sorted out. he had imperfect teeth.
i was recruited in american apparel by a girl who wasn't wearing any pants.

this is what happens when i go to the dentist.
my grandma's niece used to have a cat named minou. i picture her very cute. they used to drive around together in a pickup truck.

02 February 2010

because it is an el niño year the weather has been mild this winter, so much so that this is the warmest january on record, on par with a regular march. my herbs from last summer survived the winter and as i was outside walking with the cat, contemplating this, i decided to try planting some seeds. i was just going to do parsley, basil and dill inside, but there was arugula and chevril so i got them to, a package of violas for 99 cents and purple coneflowers because i want a whole lot of them. also lupins, but those are for another day.

then i came home with my special starting soil, planted two small rows of carrots outside next to the chard which is making a return appearance, and found some radish and beet seeds that i might do something with tomorrow. it's kind of cold out tonight. i think these are things that tolerate cold reasonably well, there are often sowings into the autumn, though there are probably less than optimal hours of sunlight available. if it works i'll have found a way to eek out a little extra growing space in my smallish garden plot.

01 February 2010

i am exchanging e-mails with my grandma's niece who also has schizo-a-something. she is smart, was much more ill than i have been, and is generally awesome. she is used to public speaking and knows a lot but is familiar. this feels like a gift, as much as these things can.
cat has a habit of lying on the floor on his back with his arms and legs tucked up. sometimes he closes his eyes. i want to know what this posture means.