06 February 2010

talking with my schizophrenic relative made apparent some unexpected similarities - an associative thinking style, intellectual interests of unnerving similarity, similar dreams given up on, an independence that can be socially awkward. there are family traits too - a sense of being morally ill at ease if we're not constantly working, specifically for someone else. the way she values sensitivity and intuition is something i can grow on. she's smarter than me and made a joke about nietzsche's ruminating cows via temple grandin. i hate some of the medicalization that she has accepted - a constant angry testing.

i only get this spam, this noise about being aware so that no one takes advantage, from doctors. in retrospect, each time it infuriates me with its small-mindedness and disrespect. it is a mostly maladaptive mindset, imposing certain fixed views on a world of complex motives, causes and understandings, with which to train people who are most easily marginalized to get along. it's judging people in advance. it's a walking persecutory delusion for people who are doing nothing illegal. i ask whether they think they do enough to talk about positive agency and they splutter and talk about drug use.

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