31 March 2010

the neuropsychologist mostly said a lot of nothing, and a lot of, you're not so smart. he did, though, help me be less afraid of whatever it is that happens by describing my attention to detail as the same thing that happens when i am being smart.

30 March 2010

i have poor judgment. i think my current psychiatrist is, "kind of brutal," by temperament and because of this i don't quite trust her. people pretend to be my former psychologist to see if i will love them, but it only lasts until i catch on. i am a wee bit pathetic in these ways.
saw the neuropsychologist today. he says i'm not going to be a fortune teller. it doesn't matter if it's what i want, i don't know what people generally find most important, and emotions are something i tune out first of all. so not a fortune teller.

29 March 2010

i got caught in a downpour today. a man on a street corner shared his umbrella.

28 March 2010

I had the luck to be part of [Nietzsche's] career at the university, when, during the winter semester of 1872-73 I took a three-hour lecture course on the rhetoric of the Greeks and Romans with him. As a citizen of Basel, I am still overcome with shame when I think that such an important faculty member only found two students, one of whom was a student of German, the other a student of law. And this was the only one of his announced courses which was actually held. No wonder that our beloved professor, whose health was already precarious, soon requested that we hear the rest of the lectures in his apartment. Thus we found ourselves three evenings a week in his familiarly elegant home for this lecture course. There we listened to him by lamplight and noted down the bon mots he dictated from his soft, red leather notebook. Here too he often stopped in the midst of a lecture, either to think or to give us time to process what we had heard. He was generous enough to offer us a beer, a Culmbacher, which he would drink out of a silver cup. From the size of my notes - eighty-four cramped quarto pages - one can imagine the rich content of the lectures, perhaps even more so from the following titles of the various subsections: [...]

Even though the professor's lecture during each of the hours concentrated exclusively on the announced theme, there were still occasions, before or after the lectures, where we exchanged many a humourous or serious word with him on all sorts of topics. It is evident that I never once missed these lectures and still more evident was the professor's grade: "Attended with hard work and success, F.N."

Ludwig Wilhelm Kelterborn-Fischer [1853-1910], later a writer

27 March 2010

i've been looking, looking, looking and trying to engage but it has all failed. maybe if i turn away for a while...

26 March 2010

a very curious monkey.
just blending in. it is equal parts charming and unnerving to find myself in the presence of a backwards cat.
i could probably be vegetarian if it weren't for chicken soup. my recipe is as follows.

6 chicken thighs (skinned, bone in)
1 large onion, halved
a soup pot
enough water to cover, adding again the depth of a chicken thigh

bring to a boil and then lower heat to simmer for 90 minutes. remove the chicken to a plate to cool. toss the onion. skim any grey matter, or allow it to settle and move the stock to another pot. add 1/2 teaspoon (good) salt, or to taste.

pull the chicken from the bones, tearing it into largish chunks and removing any fatty bits. add them back to the pot, along with 2 cans of chickpeas, rinsed and drained, and one teaspoon of black peppercorns ground together with 12 juniper berries. if you're going to eat it right away, heat it all up again for ten minutes or so and add 1/4 cup of finely chopped flat-leaf parsley. otherwise freeze it to eat at lunch.

i make a variation with thick-skinned brown beans and long, pine cone shaped pipali peppercorns. it depends what the neighbourhood markets have...

25 March 2010

potato salad

left over rosemary roasted tiny potatoes, halved
dollop of sour cream
lemon zest, from the finest part of the grater
salt-brined capers, slivered
chives from the garden
coarsely ground pepper

mix. you could add some lemon juice to thin it out.

22 March 2010

i raised my mom's dog when she was a puppy. i didn't want to, i asked my mom not to go through with the adoption, but i was there, walking off the six month long panic attack that was my first serious bout of crazy, and so i got to take care of the brand new baby dog.

the dog had been sent away by her first family for being, "too demanding"- their toddler got jealous. what these people meant by too demanding, though, must have been that they couldn't help but dote on her every cute whim. that's what my mom did. by day the baby dog had me to wipe up her pee and rub her belly to keep her from gnashing at her stitches, and by night she got spoiled rotten.

the dog, now halfway through her lifespan, still has bad separation anxiety, evidenced by a tendency to chew at herself, patrol zealously, generally ignore me, and pee on the rug in my mom's bedroom. it's painful to watch. recently my parents (my dad usually walks the dog; he does not want another) returned from a vacation, during which the dog stayed with me and was very calm. she managed to keep the house nice while i was out all day. since the return, though, her communicative behaviors have imploded and she chews at herself. i pointed out that the dog doesn't like to be in charge; it totally stresses her out. i think the two of them have gotten a grip. in any case, i seem to make a relatively good pack animal.

18 March 2010

i'm always relieved when i get home and the house is still there, our things still in it. i have a fire plan for evacuating the cat, my diaries, and if possible the photo albums, in that order. i take these neuroses to be the manifestation of a feeling that my life could be taken away from me at any time.

17 March 2010


15 March 2010

i am trying my hand at kitty matchmaking. this is magda. she is grumpy because i have taken her photo without fully cleansing her face. she is fine with the facials, and with the 'lets-play-hair-salon, mmmm, i might like you.' she is pleasantly wacky and likes a good snuggle. right now she is a bone rack, all of four tiny pounds. witnessing the most terrible neglect has not broken her spirit. as above, she likes to snuggle and is simply not an in-your-face kind of cat. i hope my aunt adopts her.

13 March 2010

my german grandma sends me chain e-mails: "when God speaks to us we should listen." funny, but if i believed that i'd be dead.

grandpa makes "not see" jokes.

09 March 2010

got to lick frosting from the beaters while mom iced my birthday carrot cake. it was idyllic.

have a dork fest on me! she is a hottie now?

08 March 2010

But to me, on the contrary, there seems to be nothing more worth taking seriously, among the rewards for it being that some day one will perhaps be allowed to take them cheerfully. For cheerfulness--or in my own language gay science--is a reward: the reward of a long, brave, industrious, and subterranean seriousness, of which, to be sure, not everyone is capable. But on the day we can say with all our hearts, "Onwards! Our old morality too is part of the comedy!" we shall have discovered a new complication and possibility...
friedrich nietzsche, on the geneaolgy of morals, preface §7

05 March 2010

it was a sunny and warm spring day. ladybugs were out in full force, telling everything to get going.

04 March 2010

One of the subtlest means for keeping up the deception at least as long as possible and of successfully appearing more stupid than one is--which in ordinary life is often as desirable as an umbrella--is called enthusiasm...
nietzsche, beyond good and evil

02 March 2010

i read until my brain fogged up.