30 April 2010

omg phenomenology! the motherload of lectures in postmodern theology.

29 April 2010

I mentally refer to my mom and sister as "my little rain clouds."
just ranted; feel much better and more able to be a better person.
it is incredibly freeing to have written and discovered that my frustration at certain issues is not psychosis related, some things drive me nuts no matter what is going on. hurray!

28 April 2010

i wake up in the morning and make coffee. it's decaf now, my body is rejecting caffeine with a searing ache along my muscles. outside a row of leafy chard has survived the winter and is almost ready for a second spring supper. the cat ventures out, nuzzles a stone rabbit and lays down in the grass. my head feels fuzzy. i haven't felt so insecure in a long time and shifting approaches in order to get what i need done feels like an effort.

26 April 2010

i like it when i go to the cat place and they all come and sit around me in a semi-circle. we discuss their problems in hushed tones and some of them require a snuggle. taking care of the cats is easily the most soothing work i've done, even when they are stinky and vomit-covered.

23 April 2010

i hate that i've made this my psych blog, and that psych stuff is enough on my mind to warrant as much. i feel like i never even get around to asking good questions about it either. it's painful, i'm sorry.
my paychiatrist's loudness incites my bitchiness. after i leave. it is awful and i hate it.
i finally went and did the mri study last week. the lady giving the test was very nice and had a piece of black coral in her wedding ring. i had to think of definitions of words, completing the sentence, "something you..." while looking at pictures and then listen to definitions of words. with my head strapped down. then we did several hours of neuropsychological tests: complete these puzzles, how many numbers can you recite back in order, then in backwards order, how can you sort these cards, etc. so far the mri photos are stuck in the mri-reading software on my quite ancient and creaky pc. i can tell you that the folds in my brain are not symmetrical on the left and right sides and the pictures look a lot like rorschach blots. they come in sets that you can scroll through, in through the eyes and out through the back of the head.

other people's mri's
a brain map

22 April 2010

i've been thinking about how i often choose to do things because they are a challenge, and how it would be nice to do something because i am good at it.

right now my head is fuzzy and i am bracing for my sister's birthday party with dandelion green tea.

and now the birthday party is over and i told my mom that my sister is not necessarily demanding, she just doesn't give her any feedback and is being unfair. she said i was right and then cried.
my new clinician is from the uk. she is the least crazy-making of all of them so far.

21 April 2010

my mom goes apoplectic when talking about my sister. i asked again if my sister could please have a psychologist.
bicameral mind. weird stuff.
on the bus today an old man told me about his out of body experience. he had been 15 at the time and came to outside a car that had been hit by a drunk driver. he said he saw the tunnel but didn't know to look for the light and anyway began calling for his brothers. he told me about his seven brothers and six sisters and how his mother told him that everyone was family. he had ms and told me how he worked himself out of being scared and worried. he had a big spiritual curiosity and was devoted in his practice. he was at peace with the world and very mentally healthy, if possibly a bit lonely. he was seventy and going to buy organic broccoli for an eighty-seven year old friend. after meeting him i felt safe all day. there is relief in someone who knows what is going on.

20 April 2010

i've started applying myself whence cooking again and am pro pan sauces. you dredge chicken cutlets in flour, fry them, and then you fry capers with lemon and parsley and put them on top. serve with baked yams and wilted chard. or you fry the chicken, and then deglaze the pan with wine or chicken stock, add 1/2 cup of cream, two teaspoons of dijon, and a tablespoon of chopped tarragon and stir while it comes together. or you wrap your chicken in prociutto and sage leaves, fry it, take it out of the pan, and then make a sauce by adding a teaspoon of flour to the oil in the pan, stirring to coat, and then adding a cup of chicken stock to reduce with more chopped sage leaves. serve with roasted new potatoes and steamed beans. very elegant and Roman. there has been a lot of chicken.

18 April 2010

i feel as though i am just beginning to tap in to my store of allotted words. sad and pathetic. it's a little strange still, seeing how things come out backwards and under water, but i am a hopeful. there are times when the world feels more solid under my feet and this is definately one of them. i am trying to carry on more narratives in my head as a way of keeping my thoughts disciplined. i have a lot of naïve chitter-chatter that simultaneously charms and disappoints me. working feels good.

15 April 2010

i have separation anxiety with my cat! he wants to go outside, i fear losing my sweet and gentle best friend. for his sake, i am forcing myself to cope in increments. for my sake, i go out in the yard with him and have trained him in my preference for staying close behaviors. then i hopped the fence when he roamed into a neighbour's yard (it's an uneven grade). he came running and demonstrated that he could, if not jump, certainly climb it. crazy cat lady alert! i made sure no one was home first.

13 April 2010

Sigh - I caught this insight on the way and quickly seized the rather poor words that were closest to hand to pin it down lest it fly away again. And now it has died of these arid words and shakes and flaps in them - and I hardly know any more when I look at it how I could ever have felt so happy when I caught this bird.
Friedrich Nietzsche, The Gay Science 298

happens to me all the time - but not in words so well put.

12 April 2010

if you are a fan of anne carson, you may not know that she has a book out called nox. it is a book in a box, a reproduction of the book she made as an epitaph to her brother. i don't know that it is available in stores. she talks about history. also, she has a poem in the 25 february issue of the london review of books. it took me two weeks to think that anyone might care, but you might.
it seems i become almost totally silent when i am working. apparently i've hardly spoken in weeks and it is a concern. but i am well, and work is going well.

11 April 2010

"Redemption" is the official doctrine preached by those ("psychological types") whose hypersensitivity to the given manifests itself as an incapacity for resistance. Reactive irritability becomes the conformism which is elsewhere the mark of pity: an intolerance to resistance (Widerstand), a warning against (Widerraten) resistance (Widerstreben), a resistance to resistance.

Rebecca Comay, "Redeeming Revenge: Nietzsche, Benjamin, Heidegger, and the Politics of Memory," Nietzsche as Postmodernist: Essays pro and contra. Ed. Clayton Koelb. SUNY, 1990: 21-38 and notes. (35)

my problem exactly.
talking to a psychiatrist feels like having a bird crap on my head. i'm continually looking up, ducking and searching for hidden messages.
optometrist told me about eyes bleeding today. she was very quick.

07 April 2010

i had been looking and hoping for a teacher when megan appeared with longer journal entries...

06 April 2010

beings that we call trees have evolved several times from different ancestors, whereas beings like ciliates, grasses or (for that matter) primates have evolved only once.
i was standing in line at the grocery store when a green parrot swooped in, landed on the magazine rack beside me, and said "hello" when addressed.
[James] Joyce's daughter Lucia was diagnosed with hebephrenic [disorganized] schizophrenia at the age of 25. Two years later, in desperation, Joyce took her to [Carl] Jung's clinic in Zurich, 'even though Jung had written negatively about Ulysses.' Joyce believed that Lucia was creative like him. Jung concluded that father and daughter were like two people going to the bottom of the sea, 'one falling, one diving'. In other words, Joyce was in control of his unusual ideas and could use them creatively; Lucia's ideas were out of control and could not be used. Lucia spent the rest of her life in and out of various mental hospitals. She died in St Andrew's Hospital in Northamptom.
Christopher Frith and Eve Johnstone,"Intellectual Functioning in Schizophrenia," Schizophrenia: a very short introduction. Oxford, 2003: 47-71. (70)

for more on lucia, see also

05 April 2010

[André Gide not only reshaped, but simultaneously criticized Nietzsche in] the novel Les caves du Vatican (Lafcadio's adventures) of 1914, famous for its depiction of a "gratuitous act" without premeditation, without any intention, advantage, or purpose, performed on impulse and possibly to gratify a desire for sensation. Lafcadio, the handsome young Nietzschean immoralist protagonist, had acted several times in a "gratuitous" way. Once at the risk of his life, he had rescued two little children from a burning house in Paris, but to show that the gratuitous act has nothing to do with morality, he also once acted differently while on a train to Rome. Opposite to him in his compartment was a bourgeois fellow, pedantically dressed, sweating a little, and constantly fumbling with his nose.

Counting to ten, Lafcadio opened the door of the car and pushed the man to death just as if he had chased away a fly. When his friend is later arrested for the deed, Lafcadio takes full responsibility, however, indicating that there really is no gratuitous act. Gidé's depiction of the murder is so stylized, so stereotypical and artificial that we are aware of seeing not real life at all, but literature. One can write about the gratuitous act, but not live it, for writing about it already demonstrates that it is unreal. Immoralism, like vitalism, requires counteraction, a corrective, an oscillation to its opposite, for it to become real and emerge from caricature.
Ernst Behler, "Nietzsche in the twentieth century," The Cambridge Companion to Nietzsche. 1996: 281-322. (297)
The foregoing considerations reveal a paradox in the research and clinical representation of the subjective experience of emotion among persons with schizophrenia. They are represented as "vacant," without emotional register, dull, flat - yet they are exquisitely sensitive to socioemotional communications.
Janis Hunter Jenkins, "Schizophrenia as a Paradigm Case for Understanding Fundamental Human Processes," Schizophrenia, Culture and Subjectivity. Eds. Janis Hunter Jenkins and Robert John Barrett. Cambridge, 2004: 29-61. (43)

04 April 2010

my grandma is mean to my sister and my married-in-to-the-family aunt and gives them jewelry. i don't know what to say so i pass under the radar. i should probably pay more attention now that i know. the remarks are so cutting it is disorienting. oma got called out today.
started off easter morning reading georges bataille in snake skin shoes. my work shoes.

03 April 2010

i feel permanently fuzzy, like being a bit drunk, and my aesthetic sense is wrecked.

02 April 2010

the cat can smell that i'm hurt and sits close by. my brain won't work and i'm so angry i'm as close to crying as i get, wet eyes and a pinch in my throat.

01 April 2010

instructions for growing horseradish and other herbaceous things.