30 May 2010

More words is better.
roman chicken

12 sage leaves
2 chicken breasts, halved
4 slices of prosciutto (~50g)

1 teaspoon flour
1 cup chicken stock (from 1/2 a bouillon cube is okay)
8 sage leaves, slivered or not

my recommendation is, buy a sage plant (while you're at it, rosemary, thyme and parsley) to keep in your kitchen window. lay 3 sage leaves across a piece of chicken, wrap it in a slice of prosciutto and lay it in a pan dressed with a tablespoon of olive oil. repeat x3. over medium heat sear the chicken (~5 minutes each side), then turn the heat down to low and allow it to cook through. remove the chicken to a plate.

add to the pan 1 teaspoon of flour and stir to coat it in oil, adding a little more if necessary (this keeps clumps from forming). turn the heat back up. add the sage leaves and stir as they become fragrant. add the chicken broth and stir to pick up the drippings and thicken a little, 2-3 minutes.

serve with steamed chard and roast potatoes for the easiest elegant supper I know.
I do not feel sad or unhappy. I can stick up for that. A good cup of tea can fix a lot.
My nurse says that she thinks I am mean to myself. I think what she means that I let things be unnecessarily difficult, although it could also be a person-centered version of what I have heard from a CBT perspective, that there is a me that I extinguish on its way to expression. Last night when I was mulling this over my nose began to twitch rabbit-style and I thought, I do not want to say this aloud: I am a sensualist who puts up with the indignity of a twitching face, a deadened and nonresponsive body. Instead I said, I live a life that keeps me physically separate from other people because I cannot trust my reactions to them or what I will say (never mind that I like being alone and people provoke a base level of anxiety). Being mean makes some things tolerable. When I'm with the nurse I am thinking, no, no,no, stop, I don't like this, and then I remind myself I like people who are psychologically-minded and it would be better to be one of them, so I should take ownership of this and try.

The neuropsychologist said, you can be crazy and also be right (i.e. about someone being verbally aggressive or creepy). If the anxiety part of this is what I am prepared to deal with for now, that sounds like a preliminary approach.

28 May 2010

I am considering building a castle out of my ziprasidone boxes. Too bad I have already thrown some away.
I've decided that I'm re-teaching myself how to write. Rather than pressure through it and have this trouble again next time I'm trying to rebuild my skills. This is a reason it is okay to take longer. Today I repeated what's been said about Megan, I show up and I work. This makes it more okay.
Seems like I feel worse, psychologically, when I start feeling better.
My brain sort of crashed yesterday but I got a small amount of outlining accomplished and will try to add more analysis and another section today. I am so slow. I try to focus on the concrete progress rather than panic and berate myself.

I've been taking more medication. Being around people who weren't immediate family was becoming stressful because I was so distrustful but my primary reasoning was what it always is, that my brain seemed to work better after the second dose. It gave me a little more distance, so I wasn't so absorbed in details. I'm more deliberate. The nervous energy that makes me move faster has been flattened out, my body feels heavy and muscles are stiff. Stretching used to be so pleasurable; now it is frustrating. The trade seems roughly proportional.

I've been drinking green tea for the antioxidants, to counteract the carcinogenic, hormone-unbalancing medicine. My nurse points out indirectly how sick the whole world seems, how toxic, exhaust fumes everywhere. This is paranoia with its attention turned to something real.

26 May 2010

I've reached a point in frustration where all I do is want until I don't know what I want anymore.
Subject verb object.
The cat has taken to brattily peeing on the rug by the door when the dog goes out. In the rain, nonetheless. The vet says we can spritz him with calming pheromones but they are expensive and I am now broke. I'm attempting a cuddle offensive. Produce your own calming pheromones sweet one! We'll see.

23 May 2010

The cat now has hypoallergenic soy-based food. I know, right? But he likes it a lot.
The grocery store has a summer barbeque feature going on involving an ice cream parlor worth of flavours. There was root beer float, cotton candy, banana split, chocolate crackle, tiger tail, bubblegum, maple, rainbow, etc. It was a junk food bonanza and I partook.
Poor cat is traumatized. In an effort to help the healing I have returned to him his plastic water dish (thought ceramic would taste better, alas). Now he has two. He licks at his forearms, feeling violated. My heart is all cracked open. The cat wanders away.

22 May 2010

worked. made chicken soup with chickpeas for dinner. miss my cat who is still at the vet, waiting to pee. had a freakish sympathy/stress reaction involving lactation after showering. it's all freakiness over here.
So many adorable kittens at the vet. My boy cat and I were there to get him some medical attention. He had a rough morning of blood work and urine draws and had to stay for a bit. Waiting in the exam room he crawled into my lap for a snuggle. My cat is not a lap cat. I got stress sleepy and closed my eyes waiting for him to be brought back to me. No feline leukemia or feline AIDS, though, thankfully. I referred the staff to the spot in the chart that tells them to go easy on the kitty morphine, it makes him throw up, and felt relieved at my catch.

21 May 2010

When I was a child I refused to go to confession. The priest said ok, standing outside the church. I still think of this as a progressive response. Today over tea my Oma and my mom both said he seemed creepy.

In any case, it was the beginning of the end of organized religion for me.
"Purity is overrated."

-My father

20 May 2010

I went out without a coat and got in minutes before the sky opened up.

19 May 2010

If I don't sleep when I get tired from my medicine during the day I get blackouts where I can't remember what I've done. They produce a high level of anxiety, more than the loss of control. I've been taking more medicine for a couple weeks and feeling well about it (more focused thinking! better parsing for the important points without getting lost in the details!) but this psychotic type stuff has me rattled.

18 May 2010

I have always hated the feeling of falling asleep. Lately though I panic as I start to drop off, turn myself over then unable to get a good breath. I'm not sure what I'm panicked about, anyway it goes on for hours and panic is supposed to be quick. Lately I don't wait so long to tranquillize myself or worry so much about how my brain will work the next day if I do.

17 May 2010

my mental tendency to concretization embarrasses me, makes me think that I am boring and stupid. such an adolescent complaint but so close to the truth.
I woke up early this morning and lay in bed watching the walls turn pale gray as the sun came up. I got up, made coffee, said goodbye to the weekend guest and went back to sleep for a few hours before I had to go out.

The bus was almost empty. At the shelter I sat on the floor and let baby kittens crawl all over me. One was so small she could curl her legs up in the palm of my hand and lay her head across my wrist. I soaked up my oxytocin hit, scooping up the tiny cats ever so gently when they wandered away.

14 May 2010

The Girl Least Likely To accompanied me to an evening engagement I did not wish to attend alone. Hanging out with her was like meeting a real-life dream of a girl. She is that kind, her brain produces intelligent and creative wonders at intervals of thoughtful pause, and she is beautiful. A non-intrusive thank you from my whole heart, Sunday.

12 May 2010

My mother is beautiful and solipsistic and my father's role in their relationship is appeasing her: she can be pleased for all of five minutes. I feel like this dynamic makes understanding relationships difficult for me. I want one that is about mutual growth and finding out about the world. If you can do that for me I will become attached.

11 May 2010

my cat caught a very large garter snake by the tail. i freed it by grabbing him by the scruff and pulling the cat by his left paw out of the quince. all afternoon the cat has be super mellow, his urge satisfied.

10 May 2010

09 May 2010

depression is, i read, common when psychosis goes away. psychosis is not the friend you want but it is reliably there and it had been possible for me to make my life about ministering to it and keeping it cared for. but. instead now my life can be about chasing ideas and writing them down, and staying healthy in a general sense in order to keep that going on.

the library was closed this weekend so today i stood in a bookstore explaining to a cashier who commented on my book looking "deep" how it was like a collage and i was following up on a note in another book. not so much depth as a tangle and a hunt. no ultimate realities. "so you're really into it," she said.

my memory is still not great so i write copious notes but the hunt was worth it, it makes much more sense now and simplifies what i need to do. that is something to feel good about. otherwise i spent half the day in the kitchen cooking for my mom and am looking forward to more time tomorrow thanks to leftovers.

08 May 2010

last year's mint has come back in a large velvety grove that pleases me immensely.
Do you have those days when walking down the street you run into someone you no longer care for and smile pleasantly, disconnectedly not caring? I then thought to myself, I am the mother of all batshit crazy and you can go fuck yourselves all fear and trembling. I made it half way.

07 May 2010

the words haven't been coming easy, have they? i've been tuned in to the little things: a tiny vase of lily of the valley on my writing desk, the cat purring against my chest, waiting for my new teapot to be delivered. it's going to get better.

05 May 2010

Am having one of those days when my spirit feels crushed. I lay back down under the duvet to warm up, as a symptom of a crushed spirit is becoming very cold. Now I am up again, going to try something again.