30 May 2010

My nurse says that she thinks I am mean to myself. I think what she means that I let things be unnecessarily difficult, although it could also be a person-centered version of what I have heard from a CBT perspective, that there is a me that I extinguish on its way to expression. Last night when I was mulling this over my nose began to twitch rabbit-style and I thought, I do not want to say this aloud: I am a sensualist who puts up with the indignity of a twitching face, a deadened and nonresponsive body. Instead I said, I live a life that keeps me physically separate from other people because I cannot trust my reactions to them or what I will say (never mind that I like being alone and people provoke a base level of anxiety). Being mean makes some things tolerable. When I'm with the nurse I am thinking, no, no,no, stop, I don't like this, and then I remind myself I like people who are psychologically-minded and it would be better to be one of them, so I should take ownership of this and try.

The neuropsychologist said, you can be crazy and also be right (i.e. about someone being verbally aggressive or creepy). If the anxiety part of this is what I am prepared to deal with for now, that sounds like a preliminary approach.

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