22 July 2010

I had sex for the first time by accident. I was in someone else's apartment and couldn't figure out the thermostat so suggested moving under a blanket. we had been laughing at star trek and kissing all night. he took his clothes off and I felt obliged. on account of this obligement I later convinced him to let me meet him in new york, so having to go to the pharmacy for plan b was just a humiliating coincidence. I was stiff and worried and didn't have as much fun as I did smiling at data getting kissed. the next day my boyfriend called to see that I was okay and I accidentally hung up on him, obliging him to call back and me to say I was fine. it took me approximately 36 hours to work up the courage to go to the pharmacy. my boyfriend said that he was the devil (I blame his father, the minister) and I was afraid of our potential demon child.


thegirlleastlikelyto said...

yipes. You wrote this very well, w. I feel honored to have the opportunity to read about these bits of your life.

A little reciprocity:

I once had to go to my family doctor for the "morning after pill" - I talked first with the woman at emerg. (small town, and no clinics open past 6 or on weekends) and she made me feel stupid and vulnerable and evil. Family doc avoided my gaze and suggested a steady intake of Gravol to calm the associated nausea, which I had a physical reaction to and subsequently spent the next day and a half sweaty and nauseous on my bathroom floor. I worry (irrationally?) that I broke myself, and don't think I could ever go through it again.

wrenna said...

thank you for the reciprocity. I'm sorry your experience was so bad. I spent about a day being scared and lying curled up on the bed. Then I went to a pharmacy downtown and stood there with shaking hands and aside from the male pharmacist being embarrassed and giving me a red pen to sign a consent form and the woman who wouldn't move out of the way at the counter I felt relieved and sure that I had done the right thing. I didn't even think of it as being careful, obviously I wasn't careful. I did think about not being able to put the man in question in any kind of position and it took me months to tell him, and only then that he should be careful, I hadn't really wanted to. Which at heart he knew. I had very sensitive breasts for a few days and later a really heavy period and that was it. obviously now I'm permanently sick and being the age I am and having been egged on by a psychologist I think about the kid I might have had. if it was it was just 16 cells and I think of it with worry. when I spend time with my little cousin I recognize how selfish I've become and I worry about how I'd have messed up the kid even more than I already would by being so emotionally immature at the time. but I don't know. I know I was trying and maybe sometimes succeeding at taking care of the boy that was already a person.