30 September 2010

I put my whole self into a comment for class and it was good. Now I need to put my whole self into five pages. The way forward is via Foucualt but I find him very boring.
Today in my neighbourhood I walked past a group of teenage boys talking about how they're afraid they're going to be beaten to death in broad daylight. It happened to a girl not far from here. There are more police around but even I think twice about going anywhere. I still do, I just carry my keys out so that I can gouge them into the face of anyone who tries to jump me.

28 September 2010

Read some Canguilhem - friend of the French Resistance and thesis advisor to Michel Foucault. Threw away the introduction and understood some Canguilhem. Cheered at the constant reference to Alexandre Koyré, another historian of science who wrote a great book called, From the Closed World to the Infinite Universe. Wish I had been in this position this morning as I toiled fruitlessly and then ran off to a yoga class that was afterall cancelled.
At least I can have a do-over of my morning coffee. I drink decaf now, but still.

27 September 2010

I'm so stressed out I'm twitching and can't think straight. My class is competitive. It makes me work hard but doesn't help me work better at all. I feel like Paris on 'Gilmore Girls' - not good.
it was an early morning and humid, just waiting for the sky to open up.

25 September 2010

torrential rain.
Sunshiney and to the farmer's market I went. I wanted kale and lettuce mix and was not disappointed to find still more yellow zucchini. If people avoid taking their children to the grocery store they make a date to take the kids to hear the African xylophone and whacked out folk guitar, then feed them vegan cupcakes. They are apple-cheeked and pregnant and earnestly pay double while dressed in second hand clothes.

23 September 2010

Today a kitten gnawed on my collarbone. I have had to start eating more in order to fuel the brain power; I lost weight just studying.

22 September 2010

My cat jumped up on the counter and licked tiny broccoli bits and ground turkey crumbles from my plate. I was too enamored to scold.
I have been reading until my head is fuzzy for the past two weeks and today I got a good job from both my profs. I am still not as good at arguing as some of the slovenly creatures at school about but it's a start, and Sunday, I really am in love with that prof I told you about. She is a good teacher and tosses out books I want to read on a twice-weekly basis.

21 September 2010

in my yoga class there is an Indian man who breathes like a dragon.

20 September 2010

taken over by panic my heart goes furry in my throat. I will take a pill, the one that I forgot, then not feeling better the one that is almost due, then not feeling better, the one that may put me to sleep, and it doesn't; I can breathe again.

19 September 2010

walking in the forest. this is good, this is healthy. a flooding had occurred due to all the rain that had fallen and I got my feet wet.

18 September 2010

I have been driven a bit crazy by the human depravity captured on the evening news.

17 September 2010

I think my parents treat my illness as not-me, not even human, and hers as ego-tonic. She gets respected even when what she's doing or saying is very sick. They'd sell me out without understanding and be unable to believe how bad the care I was getting actually was.
My nurse thinks my sister needs a mental health nurse. I agree. She is seeing a psychiatrist privately, I think, whereas I am in the public system. My sister prefers to keep her illness from me and I see her rarely. She may deny how bad it is as a way of holding herself together, but she may lack insight into how profoundly the demands she makes as a consequence effect her life and relationships. My sister would like me to not say anything to her doctor. I do not believe in intruding when she has said no. Each time she takes medication for her condition her moods get more unstable. She is suffering a great deal and must feel very unsafe around other people as a result of her roller coaster of emotions.

16 September 2010

My cat has decided that he will say goodnight by curling up next to my heart and purring. I know he's thinking, this would be better if she were little and furry, but his new ritual makes me feel so gentle.
I want to stop reading things written by the generation of academics who regurgitate the basics of Foucault as if they were getting at something really difficult and then get excited about saying, "so what?" It's lazy, overheated, unhelpful and declassé. Plus now my brain feels like a soggy vegetable.

15 September 2010

After a day of drowning in information what I want is a drink.

14 September 2010

For both my classes I have to write something every week. I hope I get better (at writing) fast because right now I have nervous fits after handing something in. I was still sweating over last night's thing in my pyjamas this morning when a police officer showed up at my door wanting to know if anyone at my address had been involved in a fatal car accident at one in the morning ten days ago.

13 September 2010

The first is "tiger roving"; the second is "cicada clinging" - focus on the outside; the third is "measuring worm"; the fourth is "river deer butting"; the fifth is "locust splayed" - breath on the inside; the sixth is "gibbon grabbing" - focus on the outside; the seventh is "toad"; the eighth is "rabbit bolting"; the ninth is "dragonfly" - focus on the outside; the tenth is "fish gobbling." These are the ten positions.
Positions for having sex in, from the Tianxia zhidao tan, part of the Mawangdui manuscripts, the earliest known healing texts in China (prior to 186 BCE). Footnotes indicate that scholars don't know what the positions were, nor are they clear on what "focus on the outside" means.

12 September 2010

I never feel at ease unless I have been working and working well.

11 September 2010

chemical factory produces a masterpiece. all I want to do is drink wine and look at it.

10 September 2010

in three days my pen has travelled from Kuala Lumpur through Hong Kong and Ohio and into my happy hands. I love it when parcels arrive extra fast.

08 September 2010

sat in the library doing my 5000 pages of history reading on pdf and emerged three hours later feeling uncertain and unfocused in a brain fuzzy sort of way. perhaps my stamina is bad and perhaps the books in there are taking up all the oxygen as they slowly decompose. some of the reading was magical and otherworldly and some of it will be about archives, which are fun. I feel so stupid sitting in classes where the professors talk so fast and everyone blurts out the simple answers on cue while I am still in attentional shifting mode, figuring out that it was a simple question. Woe.

06 September 2010

it is the last day of summer and it has been raining all day, reminding me of what november has in store. I'm just hanging out drinking tea and waiting for my new fountain pen to come in the mail. It was a pretty sketch Malaysian website that had it so I am just crossing my fingers and hoping for the best.

04 September 2010

things I haven't given up on
- green tea
- Joanna Newsom
- jeans that fit perfectly
- farmer's mix salad greens, including kale, from the farmer's market

music sounds better when I can forget my antidepressant and be unwound for the night. things taste better as well.
things I have lost creative confidence in
- German sock making
- building a terrarium in a beautiful glass jar
- Moroccan cooking
- quilt making

I cannot explain quite why.

03 September 2010

My face is showing my age.