31 January 2011

The cats were up to some chicanery today: bouncing over toys, wrestling with each other, untying my shoelaces and running off with the keys. One had been shaved but for tufts on his head, tail and legs and was looking rather embarrassed. By the end of my shift two were snuggled up nodding off in my lap with two more monitoring things on either side of me and the really pretty one perched on the chair where she had been bopping the others on the head. I contemplated life with five cats and I feel it would be good, apart from the bill for food.

30 January 2011

I feel normal again today.

29 January 2011

If I could say something nice I would.
It been like this: being told I should have said something when as far as I'm concerned I had, arriving for an appointment at the time set in my datebook and being told I missed it. Being made to feel guilty when I did nothing wrong.

28 January 2011

Frustrated and unable to progress with the 40 second critique I went and got a real live Cambridge Companion 40-minute critique and seams opened up for improvement. He is always catching me out and telling me how to be nicer. I had tutorials all my first year and wasn't able to take full advantage. I'm lucky to have a bit of a second chance with someone talkative who did benefit from that kind of education.

25 January 2011

so frustrated I can't think. I have been working all day and it has just made me unhappy with the poor results.
Today was the most boring class. I survived because I was sitting next to someone who heard my complaints and just started laughing at the kid who goes on and on and the girl who sits at the very front of the class and disrupts it with inane questions every five minutes. On my way home I stopped at my favourite tea shop with a travel mug for some reverse-osmosis filtered remineralized water to see if that made the difference in the flavor of my tea and my sweet tea fairy chatted and gave me a spoonful of Orchid Oolong to bring home, thus confirming the issue as related to the size of the spoonful. Thank goodness for kind people.

23 January 2011

runny-nosed misery. peanut butter sandwiches over prescribed reading in bed.

21 January 2011

even though I worked all day, I became psychotic in the evening. how's that for self-serving/defeating emotional landscape?
I think I got my professor's daughter's cold. both of us showed up coughing and horse voiced today. at least it was a prestigious virus. I missed a quiz in my other class due to my feverish oversleeping and am disconsolate that I will not be allowed to make it up.

20 January 2011

woke up drenched in my own sweat and am now experiencing the modern-day medical miracle that is cold and flu medication.

19 January 2011

my cat and I are listening to Factory music (although my cat does not like music) lamenting Old Book Smell, a scourge upon living things.
I crawl back in bed because I have completed an assignment and I am sad. The cat appears to pat me on the face with his paw and sniff my brow and then crawls under the covers and presses himself against my feet. When I get up I have to rescue him because he is inside the duvet pushing his face up against the covers and can't find his way out. No love like cat love.

18 January 2011

I like to go to bed at the earliest moment possible, at 9pm. I swallow all my anxiety and disappointment and lie in the dark, seeing nothing, thinking nothing, listening to nothing. It is blank time, as close to total disconnection as I can get.

15 January 2011

sometimes there are just small satisfactions, like returning a recalled library book before its due date.

14 January 2011

today was a good day. got myself out of bed and on the go early, through the rain, to do some reading in an empty room of the english department before class. stole a deaccessioned copy of the chicago manual of style, older than myself, which had been abandoned to a public bookshelf. the english department abides by mla style. class was very relaxed, the professor, who I nothing short of idolize, did most of the talking, prefacing. there were four of us, our numbers meeting the minimum requirement. I so admire and respect this professor for his beautiful thoughts and gifted editing. his work will appear in a cambridge companion, pretty well the epitome of scholarship in the humanities. he has relaxed since he became a father to a little girl named Leila. I have become brave enough to talk to him.

13 January 2011

12 January 2011

At first I thought the gunman was probably not that sick. I still think he was not sick enough to explain his actions. The gunman needed professional intervention when he began behaving in a threatening manner at school. It turns out the college in fact had the means to intervene. Looking at a culture of guns, "going rogue," and inaccessible medicare is frightening and upsetting.

09 January 2011

08 January 2011

Sometimes I think I am an emotionless wonder. That I have two settings, anxious and cat-snuggled, and everything else is white noise.

07 January 2011

I am also attracted to men with good social skills. This is not a question because I have none. My cat is an example of one.

06 January 2011

My doctor says not to analyze too much. I feel like I lack analytical abilities. Happier times ahead, hopefully.
Feeling excited is similar to feeling anxious or stressed. My body locks up and my heart beats faster. Trying to calm down makes it worse. My throat tightens and I feel like I'm not getting enough oxygen. I start to feel tired, weak and cold.

Continued thinking leads to flashing through the days events in paranoid fashion.

05 January 2011

Got so excited while doing the reading for the grad class I want to take I became unable to concentrate and had to stop and rest. This happens to me.

04 January 2011

7:46 and I am sober, vibrating on an antioxidant buzz, and rather than feel energized and happy or a little bit nervous, all I want to do is go to sleep so that I can feel listless and calm in the morning.
I cared more than I have ever cared about anything when I was psychotic. Basically, caring marks it for me: if it feels too real, it's probably not. There was the first time, and the time I went off my medications, and the innumerable little intrusions I had to censor out in the year and a half between the two, while I was taking an antipsychotic that didn't work very well, and later working up to being on one that did. If I was worried that caring about what I did might be self-important or weird before, failing to care enough when it mattered, and to chill out when I needed to threw really crazy back in my face. Did I fail, or was I that depressed? Lots of people go on functioning successfully while depressed, including lots who think medication is wrong. Am I more or less afraid now? More or less brave? Do I have more or less to lose? Did I get my heart broken or not? Would it have happened at all if I hadn't been drinking coffee for lunch, or was I on to steamed soy milk with maple syrup and gingerbread loaf?
I can't listen to Sparklehorse since Mark Linkus died. I feel like my heart would just break.

03 January 2011

Frost is growing up out of the snow in spires like the equations describing chaos.
I thought Megan was telling a story about the birds.

02 January 2011

What does it mean that I am attracted to workaholics?
A new (Northwest American) professor shares both his names with high-end Swedish sex toys.

01 January 2011

Rather than fantasize about my former psychologist being my father I passed my dad my very short introduction to postcolonialism. He is always talking about the difference between religion and power so I imagined intellectual sympathies. He cracked the spine and lasted about five minutes before passing out.
note: metaphysics of presence
Minus my melatonin I sleep deep and wake up at 6:30. I hear the cat rustling and get him his food before crawling back under the covers. This pretending to sleep really does make me less tired later on. For breakfast I make pineapple puff pancake and it is not as good as I had hoped it would be. Happy New Year lovelies.