03 August 2011

Tonight I was having an anxiety attack, took a lot of medicine, still didn't feel better, went for a walk and felt better. Temporarily. I feel too anxious, by which I mean that I think my basic anxiety level now is higher than it was before I started to get really depressed, which we now can call a precursor to the illness I now have. So either I am not as good at coping now or what I have isn't being adequately treated. Maybe what I have is a shifting of psychological loads. I used to think about killing myself all the time. Once I realized how easy it would be to do so, it became, not a scary thought, but a thought that caused me a great deal of emotional discombobuation when it did come up. My psychologist and I talked because I wanted those thoughts to go away, but what I have instead is this extra large load of anxiety that feels like slow daily torture. Part of this may be that before I would have accepted all kinds of defeats, now maybe I don't, which may be an intrinsically more stressful state for me to be in. Or maybe I am just full of shit, you never know.

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