11 September 2011

Whenever I get anxious I feel as though I am going crazy, because that is what crazy felt like. Anxious but certain I was right. The people closest to me make blank faces and act as if I am a foreign and traumatic sighting when I show I'm slipping. In order to cope better I am supposed to come up with more "realistic" assessments of the situation. In reality I don't think I've worried myself crazy, except for the times I did actually let my worry grow into something crazy. Now my anxiety feels contentless, which is a relief to me, because if my worry had contents I would end up alternately curled in a ball on the floor crying and doing embarrassing crazy things, announcing my craziness to the world. I am better, but not as good as I have been. This is not a place to rest because I still just worry I am going to go crazy all of the time, and that I won't be able to do my work like this, because when I was crazy I would try and try and not be able to think coherent thoughts, and so I spend a lot of time doing not much. I have trouble thinking logically and making decisions when I am this anxious. I am supposed to ask myself what a friend would say to this and decide I am being too harsh but I have no idea what to say to myself. I have a friend on the basis of me not saying anything about my crazy and overwhelming her. Even though she wants to be a therapist she wants little to do with abnormal psychology. My doctor would say my medication has mostly protected me and offer more, but none of my friends believe in taking medication. I have long experience of my medication not working well enough and no one helping me, or even pointing out it wasn't working very well, until after I screwed myself over and relapsed by abruptly stopping it. Now how can I be right if the time I felt most sure of it I was completely insane?


Factory Supervisor said...

you raise an interesting point, one that has consistantly worried me for some time; i have serious constant doubts of my sanity & reasons for thinking the way i do; but i continue to think and swim in these muddy waters.. sometimes my head is above and i can see clearly.. most of the time there is a filmy fog of confusion i cannot see through.
one moment utter despair.
the next complete clarity.
don't be fooled, i have nothing to say that will help, i don't have the answer.
i wish i could pull you out of the mire.
i would only drag you down into the meadow grass under water.
the fact you write these thoughts & that they resonate with me ... tells
me you'll be okay... because you will keep on doing so.. i will keep on reading and replying in staccato thoughts..
keeping us both sane for the continued exchange of madness.
i thank you for being you and telling me so.

wrenna said...

Thank you for the very same. Your comments make me happy.