19 hours ago
29 October 2011
28 October 2011
I was actually paranoid earlier this week - I never showed that professor my paper on that topic. The first time that I was psychotic it was around Halloween, too, and there was a small plane crash with survivors on the news, too. Jealousy figured, too. My doctor's response was to accuse me of not eating enough for supper, which is absurd. I am angry at her for not responding, for apparently having no plan to improve my situation and keep me out of hospital. She plays dumb when things start going badly, and instead of saying she doesn't know. How obnoxious. I would never tell someone to abruptly stop their antidepressant, though, and I have no idea why doing that helped me. I have for the last two days taken a little when I had a certain grinding low celexa feeling. We've never had a conversation about risks versus benefits of antidepressants, or about how to let me collaborate rather than be dictated to when things go badly for me.
Bloggers, bloggers, you need to blog more! Here I am on Friday afternoon and I'm going to have to read an actual book.
27 October 2011
Went without my antidepressant this morning and am feeling refreshed. Sometimes a gap is as good as a change. I saw my cat friends this morning. Harley, who is so shy, ventured out after me to sit down on my feet and purr. Her sister Molly turned around in her bed so that she could be closer to the purring, of which there was much. I wish I could bring them home and we'd be one very big family. The danger of working in a cat shelter is that you start to think at least three is requisite for 'cat immersion therapy.' In the mean time my cat has been enjoying only child pampering, which includes a walk a day. He's a bit timid too, so I've been attuning my senses to understand things like heading to the backyard when a garbage truck rumbles within a block and charging inside fearing danger when he hears the dog barking that someone has delivered a newspaper. Makes for a shorter walk.
26 October 2011
25 October 2011
24 October 2011
A student in my seminar this year is using my term paper topic from last year for her term paper. I was still revising it. I'm shaking. I feel crushed.
I spoke very briefly to some people today who were very nice, and then almost certainly failed my German midterm. There was just too much to memorize and in the midst of having my fit last week I didn't put in the time. I managed to stay calm, and maybe this time that was the main thing. The mark is significant, but I have 80% of the class left that I have or will do better on.
23 October 2011
As a thank you to my cat I followed the psychologist's example and took the cat for a walk in the morning before going out. It was warm enough to be out without a coat, drinking coffee with last night's rainfall clinging to the plants. It was only fifteen minutes but the cat really seemed chilled out all day. I hate taking the dog for walks, so this is a serious act of devotion I've got going on. Sometimes though I find myself contemplating bugs, like enormous spiders or neon green winged things, with wonderment. I wonder why the cat isn't moving and find he is waiting for me.
The civilized way to do insomnia is with my cat snuggling at intervals and new music to listen to before I try going back to sleep. I read in the New York Times today about a woman who likes to check into a luxury hotel when her schizoaffective disorder is giving her troubles. She also has a dog that snuggles her when she gets anxious. I have had that idea! A hotel would be infinitely more relaxing than a psych ward. I like to be pampered too when I'm feeling poorly. Hence the above. I don't have a hotel fund because I spend my money on clothes.
I heard back from my psychologist. No rejection.
22 October 2011
Turns out my anxiety attack was alcohol withdrawal. In any case it could be made totally better by a drink. Shit. Good thing the bottle's empty.
Do people listen to Feist in the back garden of Manschester, down on the path by the creek? I have decided I don't want to go on the exchange to Berlin because the topic is travel literature, and my commitments lie elsewhere. Maybe... if I'm ever a grad student I will make it. I still want to drink wine with the Factory Supervisor, and to go shopping for proper eighteenth century clothes.
I lied to hide my inability to negotiate my state of mind this week and neither of the people involved got mad. I said I overslept. Which has happened to me in the past, though when it happened before I got no sympathy. I am currently having an anxiety attack over this.
I have a kitty crush. Her name is Molly but I like Blue. So: meet Molly Blue.
coffee. cat snuggles. in reverse order.
21 October 2011
oh good lord my professor says she has a second mail box in "the lounge" where she left the magic box. of course no one told me such a place exists. a magical thing happened while I was in a state of utter destitution today. a professor, whose class on Hegel I sat in on many years ago, appeared in the stairwell before me. "does the German department have an office?" I asked. "It does," he said, "I will show you." And he did, and it was closed, so he produced a key to the room beside the office with the mailboxes, and I delivered my paper. "You are a superhero" I said. "Thank You. Have a Good Weekend."
20 October 2011
My professor has finally responded to say that she left a magic box for me in her mailbox and will respond further from the airport. Hooray! My psychologist, on the other hand, has not responded. Way to give a girl a complex; rejected by her own psychologist. My friend from German class, however, gave me my first dose of real-life friendly being-there in years, e-mailing me back and forth all evening and morning about time pressures and the things we miss out on because of them. I don't think I've had a friend like that since my ex-boyfriend when I was psychotically breaking for the first time and wanted to kill myself. Naturally he was overwhelmed and asked that we not correspond further. I think I'm in a space now when I can not over-impinge on the generosity of others. Blogging about my life in overtly personal journal form definitely helps. Or...
19 October 2011
I go mental when I e-mail people and they do not respond. I cannot help it. The rejection makes me feel crazy.
My recent round with antipsychotics and sedatives is the fastest I've ever gained five pounds. Three days and whammo. The weight does not readily appear to be going anywhere, nor am I quite sure where it's hanging out. My pants all seem to be fitting fine, and I just tried on new pants in my size at my favourite store and they were a little loose. Objectively, then, things are fine, I just feel less comfortable in my own skin. I probably have a huge ass everyone but me can see.
17 October 2011
I have been reading short stories in German somewhat desperately hoping to expand my language skills. This means relying heavily on Google Translate AND a dictionary to interpret the texts initially. I anticipate re-reading like when I was a wee person, only in this case I am far less adept. The time and concerted effort it takes...
You know how people have little zen gardens with sand you can rake into meditative patterns? I have a jasmine vine and bay leaf tree wintering indoors by the cat litter box.
16 October 2011
15 October 2011
This bout of anxiety has been weeks brewing. I feel like shit and I don't want to take it like I did all summer.
This morning I had a long lie-in, doing my reading with the cat curled up beside me. He isn't usually so generous with his affections, but there he was, purring and curling and uncurling paws over his face, very sweet. I could have picked a cat who was just plain snuggly but I picked a shy, withholding cat. Empathizing with my own love life I guess. The book, on the other hand, is repulsive. It is going faster than expected but is repellant. Jimmy Corrigan, The Smartest Kid on Earth: don't let it waste your time.
14 October 2011
On a psych ward you can generally tell who is craziest by the degree to which the standard issue pajamas coming at you are customized. Pajamas are open stock, which is convenient when, say, you have been focused on losing your mind and suddenly get your period and are bleeding all over the place because the giant hospital padding you had to ask a South Asian dude for is giant but awkwardly in the wrong place at the wrong time. Multiple layers, sizing, and especially adding one of the uselessly thin housecoats available are suggestive of the most marginalized and potentially dangerous people - the kind that create staffing issues because they have criminal records and nurses don't want to deal with them. These people will pressure you into giving them money and use it to shuffle, Haldol impairing their gait, on out of the place. People being assessed wear pajamas all day; the doctors and nurses are still trying to guesstimate what is going on inside their heads. Today I tried on a shirt in my favourite clothing store with a v-shaped bib and buttons. It read as unremitting, 24/7, psychosis. The salesgirl was enthused. The salesgirls in my favourite store all have infinitely finely tuned design sense and can discuss the stitching and wash on a pair of jeans in the form of a verbal essay (I always grab outrageous bell-bottoms to try with things, even though I don't own a pair) but the thing I cannot get over, which prevents me from breaking out of my "easy" style, is that they layer and mix their clothes like someone who is bat-shit crazy.
13 October 2011
I have been stressed out what with the volume of um, comic book (another 400 pages) on my reading list. There are so many other things I want to read... I've also been memorizing German vokab. These are frustrating times, dull times to relate. I went for a walk this evening to try to keep myself in order, and then my cat interrupted flash card making time to type the following:
sxxxxxxxxxxsw cccccccccx ¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡ΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩ cccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccc
12 October 2011
Today I gathered up a card and small package of tie kwan yin tea to knock on a door and bid a thank you to one of my professors. She scanned documents and loaned books and was all in all an inspiration. She was patient with me when her instinct was not to be patient. So: tie kwan yin: power to the gentle. I was going to get her frosting flavoured tea but it was just too gross to countenance.
I don't think I am a comic books kind of girl. I am a "give me more academic literature to read" kind of girl. I am a bourbon kind of girl. I am a "unfortunately, I do need 40mgs of citalopram per day so that I do not become an alcoholic" kind of girl. I miss my fellow blogger's company. You should know your thoughts are valued on the most human of scales.
10 October 2011
I took turns carrying my four-year-old cousin around for Thanksgiving, because he is afraid of the dog. He's still tiny of his age and elicits great gentleness despite a certain tendency to provoke. I love him lots. I put on The Beatles so that we could dance to "Hello, Goodbye" and found out the boy's favourite music is silly songs. If you know some good silly songs or classical music for kids please make recommendations. He adores making noise with his collection of plastic instruments and says that he would like to play the violin but isn't patient at all.
09 October 2011
I have so many different avenues for research to pursue - narratology and semiotics, the Imago Dei, early modern approaches to too much information, post post-modern historiographic theory, working on my to be improved paper - that I do not know where to start. I am hoping for helpful comments soon. In the mean time I should be a good little monkey and memorize some German words. I have spent a lot of time sleeping off anxiety.
07 October 2011
This week was drastically in need of improvement so I walked through the afternoon sunshine to a lovely pub which let me carry in local cherry crostata from next door to have with my wee angry scottish ale. I read a book about early modern body parts, some of which are unmentionable, and kind of felt like I was invading a male space. I got a bit tipsy for the first time in a long time, probably thanks to having had breakfast at 5 am (I did get back to sleep after that), and walked up the street to see if my favourite thrifter had any new accessories. She did not, but being the leather artist she is had just the thing to take the stain from my overdyed denim out of my sweet sweet elk hide. So my day was improved. yaay!
01 October 2011
Just cleared one big beast of project that was going nowhere fast. I guess I can have my life back now. Yesterday I felt pretty awful and today I am feeling fuzzy from all the antipsychotic.