30 April 2012



29 April 2012

My dad is frustrated he can't lose weight. He won't stop eating though! It's painful to watch. He's obsessed with feeding himself, in gigantic portions, always with a protein shake after dinner. He works out every day but his eating is still excessive. It's like he cannot reprogram his brain.

28 April 2012

My only experience of getting to a way of writing when I want to write is to break rules or change categories or go outside where they say the line is, so how am I going to say to somebody else, “Now, here is the line”? It’s dishonest. All I can do is say, “Find the line and go someplace else,” which is not helpful.
Anne Carson, interview with John D’Agata, The Iowa Review, Summer-Fall 1997, 15. On her dislike for grading papers.
Happiness is understanding my German relatives' long-distance birthday conversations. My grandmother was talking with her twin brother, who has fluid buildup pressuring his brain. He sounded unsure, and he wasn't able to speak properly. They said he was confused about who he was talking to at first. Apparently he'd survived a recent tumble down the stairs onto a marble floor. My Opi joked about how he is always hanging on to Omi when they go out, but it's because he has so much pain in his back and legs (and doesn't believe in painkillers). My Omi's brother's daughter's seven year old daughter sang a birthday song in German; it was super cute.

27 April 2012

A scholar is someone who takes a position. From which position, certain lines become visible. You will at first think I am painting the lines myself; it’s not so. I merely know where to stand to see the lines that are there. And the mysterious thing, it is a very mysterious thing, is how the lines do paint themselves.
Anne Carson, Plainwater, 93.
If procrastination were a class I would get an A. My abilities are born out of a fear of the lethal depression that sets in when I get stuck, when I can't keep suspended in my mind the multiple lines of thought that need switching on and off in order to impose a ruthless sense of order on a work. We will break the task into small pieces and start again.

26 April 2012

I am psychically immobile.

25 April 2012

spring rain and the animals are all curled up sleeping around me.
thesis: in Anne Carson's writing, concealment creates the subject.

24 April 2012

My whole project is there in front of my eyes I just don't know how to make the connections yet. It feels awful. It's raining and I don't want to go for a walk in the rain but I do want a break.

21 April 2012

Phoned the botanical garden about propagating moss in my shade garden, à la the Japanese garden at my university. Very exciting!
My day off for a little r&r following the week's stints being depressed turned into a day of cat pampering. We decided his low calorie food was not causing weight loss so switched him back to the tasty, grain-free stuff with loads of fruit and vegetables and omega fatty acids for his coat, went for a walk in the sun (his approach was a little more zen-like than I would have appreciated), brushed him and applied dandruff treatment, and snuggled together on the couch. Either he holds me responsible for the warm weather or he appreciated the attention.

20 April 2012

Desperately hoping photos of Megan meeting Mr Heaton emerge...

19 April 2012

Today there were lots of cats at the shelter but my main focus was attending to Molly, my favourite pretty cat who had been adopted, and then returned, and then was going to be taken back. She did her best to lick my fingers for cleaning up her smelly cage but was clearly rattled. Then a lady from the shelter showed up to take Molly away because the adopter had gotten into a disagreement with the owner of the shelter. The big boy cat and a little flame point himalayan girl cat played with my cat's rejected pink sponge ball, which I had brought because the shelter toys kind of suck. She was timid with me but responded to respect, and soon a guy who had climbed a tree to rescue a cat wanted to adopt her for his mom. I got asked out on a date by another guy but as he was 23 and the resident adult cats had too much baggage for him I politely declined. I was exhausted after waking up at 2 am so walked home and took a nap.

18 April 2012

The cat is copying the dog's behaviors: hanging out under the coffee table and curling up with only his head out from under blankets (the dog had to get a haircut and is now cold so we cuddle her up). It's super cute.
my cat gave me a snuggle this morning for the first time in days. rubbing our noses together. he is hiding out under the quilt on my bed again, breathing the covers up and down.
My tomatoes are straightening themselves out. They are young and full of potential.

17 April 2012

have founded a rescue organization for neglected Roma tomatoes, curling around their dried out pots. they are now buried as deep as I can get them in sea soil compost and soaking up water. I didn't want to put them outside because the cold stunts them and then they have trouble catching up when the weather finally does warm up, so they are catching rays inside the back door.
am currently depressed as fuck as I can't get my head around the paper I'm trying to write.
No luck trying to volunteer at the archives, but the museum of anthropology is recruiting volunteers to do research, which would be exciting.

15 April 2012

I had a diversion in my research thanks to the bibliography of the thesis I was re-reading, which led to a discussion with the library assistant who was dispensing said book on disappearance in an age of cultural speed to me, leading to furious, reading three web-pages at once intellectual excitement over the role of silence in Holocaust literature (related in a sideways way to my topic as Anne Carson has written a book on the ancient Greek poet Simonides and Paul Celan - it is questionable whether he survived the Holocaust as he committed suicide later), which is where issues of absence seem to crop up in critical literature, but I think this line of thought is going to be useless to me. If I had known this earlier I could have written a comparison on Eros the Bittersweet and Economy of the Unlost and not read all these theses, as it stands I have almost nothing I can use which only makes it more difficult to put anything forward.
my father's high cholesterol is causing me more stress than it possibly should.
I am very proud of how my little garden turned out with the addition of saxifrage and more lamb's ear to fill up the boarder. My hostas are coming up and my white bleeding heart has returned once again. My skimmia is in bloom and lily of the valley is on the way. The narcissus has lasted for ages. The only thing I'm disappointed about is that one of my white heliobores has faded to pink, messing with my colour scheme. It will blend in better when the hot pink flowers in the bed beside come in mid-summer. So far it is a baby garden; the plants have some filling out to do before I can take pictures.

Also I have seeds! Seeds for salad greens, watercress, chard, and edible flowers (nasturtiums and borage, which are little blue star-shaped flowers).

14 April 2012

Planted nasturtiums and swiss chard in little pots. I am excited about my garden this year. Going to work some seed shopping into my errands today.
My German lit prof gave me the ok to write my paper on Woyzeck and his psychiatric reports over the summer. I have a warm fuzzy.

13 April 2012

I am reading Deleuze and Guattari's Anti-Oedipus: capitalism and schizophrenia. It's pretty crazy, but inspiringly so.

11 April 2012

I have these little wire and glass candle holder things that are supposed to hang but I have nowhere to hang them so they sit on my window sill doing their best impression of a science experiment.
My cat has built himself a fort.
Am suddenly shy.

10 April 2012

Thankfully I've calmed down and returned to waking up at quarter to seven.

09 April 2012

extra pill means I can drink cups of green tea.
the pleasure of new cotton socks.
Today I planted saxifrage in my garden. Tiny white flowers on cushions of green. I was looking for more lamb's ear but that won't come in until later this week.
My dad put cumin in the turkey gravy. So gross! I need to get him off the cumin it tastes like body odor.
Sister's boyfriend's plaid boxers were on show as he tried to keep his pants from sliding down too far around his spare tire. Based on available evidence I doubt that he has a shirts that aren't plaid. BUT. He carried on a conversation about hockey and is auditioning for a raise at work, which may help the shirt department, suggesting that he is not so retarded after all.

08 April 2012

Bracing for my sister and her boyfriend. I think he may have a very mild form of Down syndrome, with apologies to actual sufferers of Down syndrome, who may have vibrant personalities and an earnestness precluding smarminess.

07 April 2012

for much of my life I thought taking out the garbage was a terribly taxing chore, due to all of the swearing and slamming that came about when my dad did it. I honestly don't mind, it takes me about five minutes.
took my cat for a stroll on this sunny Saturday afternoon. He got loaded up on catnip and lay down in the tall grass to contemplate the meaning for the universe. I felt virtuous for allowing him the pleasure of a sunny and almost warm day.

06 April 2012

Today Nicholas explained to me that blue couldn't be my favourite colour as pink is for girls and blue is for boys. This after his mother carefully outfitted his nursery in yellow, green and orange. He was at Omi and Opi's painting some Lightning McQueen inspired Easter eggs. In my favourite colour, orange.
I could work in the tea store but I think I'm going to ask if the manager who knows me at the expensive clothing store will hire me instead.
I hate home renovation shows. My psychologist feels likewise, last I heard of him he thinks those people are despicable.
Easter cleaning above the fridge and we found a big furry mouse. The cat was delighted, which made him super cute.
My family are much more excited about me learning to drive than going to Europe. Costs about the same.

05 April 2012

Today while I was minding six cats I met an older man disabled by anxiety who wanted to volunteer. He was happy with my answers to his questions. He wanted to know, for instance, about capturing cats that hide under the cat cages. I felt connected. He had adopted one of the cats a few months ago. I can think of nothing better for anxiety than feline immersion therapy, which I enjoyed today. My favourite pretty cat Molly was back, a tiny bit more relaxed, and licking my fingers, but there was also another shy cat to tend to, a rare female orange cat who was temperamental, and a charming tuxedo cat to congratulate on his adoption.

03 April 2012

The most inspiring day of my German lit class was when we watched a powerpoint on Bismark and Prussia and I found out my slouchy black knee-high leather boots are based on nineteenth century military wear, until my professor helped me with my research today. Scary! It's in German.
I woke up at 6am and worked on my paper in the morning. I didn't get up until it was well-lit out. I managed to avoid another panic attack, but the pills I took for my nerves caused a little accidental nap, despite making it possible for me to have a cup of coffee.
Awww! I made a friend in my German literature class. She very generously loaned me her notes and I raided my tea stash to introduce her to my favourite teas. She wrote me a very kind note to say thanks, when I should have been the one thanking her, and now we're going to get together at the tea mecca before she skips town following her degree.

02 April 2012

The head dropped off of my purple orchid today, leaving me with only one green bloom.
My mom is back. The dog refused to walk with her this morning.

01 April 2012

Henry Darger. There was a chapter on him in one of the Anne Carson theses but I didn't order it due to copyright concerns. Too bad.
Just woke up because my conscious mind was bored by my dreams. Happens all the time.