30 September 2012

My sister is difficult to take. Her speech patterns cause me stress. She never gets to the point. Her tone is always ironic. I feel an intense craving for my medication.
Crazy calico cat at the shelter started attacking my head, running her claws through my hair and biting my ear and the back of my neck. That is how cats bring down prey, severing the spine at the base of the neck. Basically she was playing at killing me. She nearly took out my eye.
Just high-fived my sister for dumping her boyfriend. "You need to weigh in sooner," she says. I wouldn't have the gall. This will be her third move in a year.

29 September 2012

oh boy... imagine my pride at being able to download podcasts to my iPod manually after weeks of throwing fits.
I am trying to decide whether I like a rust coloured sweater with a big keyhole in the back. I have mixed feelings about the colour rust and its autumnal associations. Somehow it feels like a dirty colour to me. This sweater looks best with a sheer camisole that my bra shows through. I think I might prefer a blazer of which I have a very specific image the real world may not be able to match.

All of my hard thinking and putting off spending money on black silk dresses has led me to this. I didn't buy the first dress because it looked cheap for $245 and I didn't buy the second one because my hair was too fluffy. I think you would need Asian hair for the dress to look pretty. Plus it would be silly to wear a black silk dress to university. With red lipstick, because I am pale and would look morbid without it. I have a small mouth; it just wouldn't work.

I woke up this morning to big snuggles from my cat who is now sleeping beside my pillow and proceeded to receive an invitation for a walk from the dog as soon as my parents walked out the door. My undecidedness must run very shallow if my animal chi is this good.

28 September 2012

Something seems morally amiss with the abundance of heartwarming film fest fare about marginalized people, no?

27 September 2012

Today a classmate who has PTSD asked me if I could take vitamins rather than antipsychotics. She has PTSD because she was abused as an au pare in Germany, attacked, and had a bad relationship, all of which she thought she could put behind her.

26 September 2012

Sorry, I am just too tired. I have been reading a lot and spending a lot of time on busses.

23 September 2012

I don't get trips across the boarder for the sole purpose of visiting Trader Joe's. Especially when we need actual groceries. My mom brought back vats of proprietary yogurt and cheese laced with hormones. And she's the one who's usually paranoid about what goes into food. She actually lectures other people on this, both as a teacher and as a private citizen, when kids come to our door selling chocolate covered almonds for the youth groups that keep them out of trouble. Luckily the kid had a good come back: "actually, it's Coke Zero, so there are no teaspoons of sugar." I worry one day she'll get shot telling someone what to do in an American parking lot.
My mom is bitchy. I take after my dad, who likes beautiful things.

22 September 2012

Today I worked on the long-term project that is the cause for the book pile-up by reading an on-line book. None of the other books moved. I found some information on social status that intersected with and diverged from my subjects and some more books to look at, but first I made notes and made a document for commonplacing. Then I read about Deleuze and Leibniz and Spinoza, looking to write a paper for my seventeenth century philosophy class. In between I read some Descartes, who is very boring.
I was so tired and hungry and frustrated yesterday I went to bed at 7 pm. Fell asleep right away. Slept just about 12 hours, which is normal for me.

21 September 2012

I gave my dad my last beer and he didn't bring any home tonight. My mom doesn't buy enough vegetables to make dinner every day. She's also a bad cook. And this is the second time this week I'm hungry because there wasn't enough food. My cat doesn't snuggle with me because I am out all day. I did boring work all day at the archives and am frustrated.

19 September 2012

My cat has been waking me up at 5 am to snuggle. Sometimes I drift off again but mostly I remain awake, and somewhat delirious, for hours. Lately I have been getting confused about the date.
I get to hear Steven Shapin speak on sensory history on Monday. He is a famous historian and philosopher of science.

17 September 2012

I have a problem with hoarding books. Library books. Surely a librarian could offer a speculative epidemiology of this condition?

I need to make an outline to end the book hoarding. This will not happen tomorrow. Perhaps if I call it an index I will have more luck with my outlining.
I feel a great sense of accomplishment at having finished my German assignment on time, even though it is probably riddled with mistakes and I am just auditing the class.
New socks are just about one of the best things.

16 September 2012

outside the spiders are getting fat.
I met Cisco's adoptive family this morning. They've re-named him Limo because he is so long. He now has a kitty skyscraper and a little tunnel that he runs through. He plays all of the time, so much so that they are thinking seriously of getting another cat for him to play with. Their other cat is 17 years old and not up for duty. They adore all of his little mannerisms, and both mom, who is British, and dad were very sweetly affectionate with the kittens who were in the store for a big adoption weekend. Their boy (they have two) was harmlessly dull looking. I am glad he has found a loving home.

15 September 2012

... not that it's so far stopped me from stressing.

Supper and my regular medication made all the difference.
Another university in town offers indexing as a continuing ed class online and in the classroom as part of certificate programs in editing and technical communication. You can take the classes at night or on weekends while you work. This sounds perfect.

14 September 2012

I feel totally defeated.
What is "fun"? I need to have more fun.
Checking out education options with the Canadian Society of Indexers. You can do indexing freelance,  and as an on-line course in many different places. Might be more my speed.
Last night I had too much on my mind and was having trouble sleeping. My sweet cat curled up under my chin and purred me to sleep.

13 September 2012

My dad is game. Even though he completely did not get my excitement over the footnote earlier, got C's in high school and never went to university. He says we'll talk about it later.
The library school says let years go by in the workplace to be a stronger, more mature candidate and apply elsewhere. I'm going to be 30 next year. My problems were years ago: I became psychotic after failing a year of school in 2006. I wish I could say I was completely past it.
fascinating, exciting podcasts on new books in science, technology and society.
Trying to get my dad to be a guarantor on an education line of credit to pay for my German class without my mother finding out and kibosching the idea because she thinks I should be taking only two classes. I have my own line of credit but interest rates and payment demands on students are lower.
Today I viewed the footnote, at the end of a newspaper article on whether or not it was allright for marriage to be a civil rather than religious institution, that inspired Immanuel Kant's "What is Enlightenment?" My German lit prof is a fun detective to follow. Hundreds of eighteenth century German newspapers and journals are available online through German universities.

12 September 2012

My German literature class is great. I can understand the professor, unlike last year, and her ideas are interesting. My 17th century philosophy class is also good, in that the prof doesn't get bogged down in things that aren't important. I went to his office hours today and found out his specialty is Kant but that he has done some Heidegger. He was into discussing Deleuze's readings of Leibniz and Spinoza with me, which is super cool. I need these little tricks of enrichment in order to stay interested. My Darwin class is a lot of reading, but I met a graduate student in English there who wants to be study buddies. I am concerned that I have tests to write, which I haven't done in years. My mother wants me to take only two courses. She demands this. I want to take three, auditing the German lit class.

I am in communications with the secretary of graduate admissions at the library studies program I want to apply to and she has said that you need a minimum GPA of 3.3. When I got sick I stayed in school and failed classes. As it stands, she basically said that I wouldn't qualify based on my GPA.

10 September 2012

I have been up since nightmares woke me at 4:30am. I am exhausted.

09 September 2012

I'm reading Leibniz in German. I can't find all the archaic words in my dictionary. There are like 20 pages of this stuff and I have the fear.
I got to cuddle some kittens this morning. I was sad to have to leave my own snuggley cat for this endeavor, but when I came home I took him for his walk. My cat is scared of the neighbours.

08 September 2012

I need to speak with an academic advisor, and Monday being archives day it will have to wait until Tuesday. How sweet it would be to walk away from all of this, graduate in November, and get into library school.
I finished my Darwin. Yaay! That was a graduate sized helping of readings. The course is cross-listed as a graduate class.

07 September 2012

I can see why Darwin was bored with his life. I am bored just reading about his privileged and dissolute university years. I correlate this boredom with why I could never study English. Perhaps I was raised too Catholic (although I rebelled soon after my confirmation, refusing to go to confession, and shortly thereafter attending synchronized swimming practices instead of Sunday morning church services and folding my hands in politeness instead of praying at meals) to identify pleasantly with a Protestant nation? I am only forty pages in.

05 September 2012

The reality of my workload is hitting me. Gone is the promise of a perfect, well-paying, resumé enhancing, experience providing job. My Darwin (Darwin? Would normally bore me) professor is an enthusiastic, organized of thought, philosopher who is grey but wears Vans skateboarding shoes. The downside is the class runs to 9 and my bedtime is normally 8:30, so I don't get to bed until after ten and can't sleep well then, and had to take a nap this afternoon. Sighting academic doldrums I am trying to decide whether I will go for a minor in philosophy to keep the challenge up, although philosophy classes with 75 students may just be academic doldrums. I will have more data after metaphysics tomorrow. So far my notes are organizing well on paper, which means my brain is in pretty good shape.

04 September 2012

I am not feeling good about the job. I guess when it's right I will not get all stressed out.

03 September 2012

After all of yesterday's stress I made this morning the morning of ultimate relaxation. I ate peach pancakes then climbed back in bed so that I could snuggle with my cat. He was already tired so I watched him sleep in my arms. Then reading in the bath, with my special bath salts, in order to warm up. Then half a milligram of clonazapam and a cup of tea. I have a stack of books to read but I think I might declutter my desk and the stacks of books surrounding it. Wanting a job makes me feel as if I am going crazy.

02 September 2012

I went to my cousin Lisa's wedding yesterday. After dinner she had a panic attack, my mom told me this morning. I left early because my medication used to put me to sleep at 8:30, but now my mind plays tricks on me if I stay up late. I had nightmares about an article I'd just read about Cat Power's psychotic depression. I felt woozy after watching the Batman movie that ran late last week. Other people's stories of mental unwellness upset me.