31 October 2012

Loaded up on cold medicine and sencha. On the plus side my class was cancelled. On the minus side I have the cold.

30 October 2012

5:15 pm. I have eaten my dinner, whole wheat pasta and soybeans dressed up a little, cold, and am waiting for my evening class to start. Both my readings ended up taking forever and I finished neither. This morning I learned that German classicism was all about disappointed emotions in the face of political realities. On the phone with a nurse I tried to trace my own emotions into something legible but the words to do so are absent from my consciousness. The leaves on the trees are brightly coloured and contrasting here at school when they are not brown and pulpy underfoot. The views are all blocked by fences.

29 October 2012

Baltimore, are you receiving?
Awake at 5:30. Cat snuggled. Wild black Chinese tea sipped in the dark, with another cup now as the sun comes up. Torrents of rain outside.

28 October 2012

I quit my job at the archives. I feel lighter. I am reading articles about Descartes and Hobbes.

27 October 2012

Charles Darwin got psychologically triggered vomiting and boils while writing that reduced him to working only a couple hours a day for much of his productive life.
On Friday as I was dealing with an endless pile of crap at the archives I made the decision to quit and have an extra day to spend catching up on my writing every week. It felt like an especially sound idea when said pile of crap took half an hour longer than my workday (my dad was waiting for me) to finish labeling with its shelf number along the fold of its folder and checking the ultra slow database to find out whether it had been identified and then finding out at the last minute that two things for which larger folders had been needed were now millimeters to large to fit on the shelf in a flat position. I let the curve ever so unsightly. This all seemed like a good plan until today, which was set aside for writing but largely spent browsing online shops for dresses and lingerie (two things I only really wear for holidays) in the morning, and having panic attacks and feeling crappy in the afternoon.
I had dreams of doing creative things then zombied my way through this morning. Now it's time for Descartes and the second and fourth objections and replies. And a panic attack.

23 October 2012

I made my notes on Descartes and Gassendi without having a panic attack.
I am having anxiety attacks just looking at my primary sources. I really don't know what to do. I want to try to make some notes.

22 October 2012

C. and I are both looking forward very much to having coffee/tea on Wednesday after class. We are going to discuss our mentally aberrant natures with no worries of alienating anyone. It is just a question of hanging on until then...

21 October 2012

did not meet my reading or writing targets for today but did manage to persevere through some hefty stress.

20 October 2012

whoo! met my writing target for today.
There was a break in the rain so I bundled up to take my cat for a little walk but it was too cold and damp even for him to want to stay outside for long.
My cat will drop everything to tuck me in bed and purr me awake in the morning, especially when I'm stressed. He has a very comforting rumbly purr. =^.^=

19 October 2012

I am imploding. Tomorrow morning I start fresh.

17 October 2012

C. has really bad ADD. She switches topics midstream as she is answering a question. She is much more symptomatic than me, but she can focus in class to write twice as many notes as me and pull through things like the Descartes paper where I can't. I feel guilty. I feel very protective of her. She talked about her super supportive mom, her snuggly little dog and her boyfriend who is visiting from Maine. I wish someone would've dropped everything and come to visit me when I got depressed at university in Toronto. My parents always just hound me with "what's wrong" and tell me to come home. We are going to talk next Wednesday, when the workload eases for both of us.

15 October 2012

I picked up the book I had been waiting for and discovered my initial gut reaction was right and the question I had been trying to answer was a trick.
C., the girl with the purple red hair from my seventeenth century philosophy class, asked me about my comment from the beginning of term about people having varying degrees of insight into their psychosis. It turns out she has bipolar disorder and has been psychotic. She would like to talk about our experiences and I would like that too. She listens only to rock music from the 60s and 70s which she was introduced on a wind-up record player when her parents moved with her to a cabin in the woods with no power in Maine. She thinks Descartes' writing is beautiful. She is a magical person.

14 October 2012

My mom made really bad soup. I had to promise to make her some proper chicken soup.

13 October 2012

I am being responsible, doing my German a little at a time. I have been hard at work on Descartes but things are iffy. I found THE BOOK I want to help with my research but the commute to the library is too long for tomorrow, what with the cat-minding in the morning. For fun I downloaded New Books in East Asian Studies podcasts and glanced at the Rolling Stones' back catalogue.

11 October 2012

My psychiatrist got a job treating treatment-resistant psychosis so will not be treating me come January 1. I feel like I saw this coming; months ago I apologized for being such a boring case. She is a big blunt black woman and she has ambitions. I have met some bad psychiatrists in my day, but she lets me come in and be an equal partner. This will make her a great resource to very vulnerable people who are often dictated to. I hope the same people that hired her find someone else who will do that. Otherwise I will be looking for another doctor.

10 October 2012

I feel like my attempt to learn German is coming to a dead end in not learning and giving up. It is so frustrating to have to look up every word in a text. I feel like I am not progressing at all.
I don't like dried cranberries. I feel so alone in this.

08 October 2012

I have been reading for five hours. This feels like a significant investment in work, but I only got out of bed at 11 and then spent an hour foraging about. I gotta say, the Darwin industry suffers from verbosity, a nineteenth century sickness, and a love of minutiae, an affliction that has had an afterlife into the twenty first. I took a break to walk the cat, who comforted me last night when I was sick with worry. He takes great pleasure in rolling around in dusty dry dirt. The freedom of academics to take a spirit of careless generosity towards lateness prevailed.

07 October 2012

It is Canadian Thanksgiving.
Caught up with Cisco's new family this morning at the pet shop. They were full of stories about how he likes to race around the house and get into everything, including, but not limited to, window washing, bed making, turkey trimming, and the bath. They find this joyful, even though mom says her windows were never this dirty when she had babies. One day when the boys went out and he thought he was alone Cisco went around crying. He likes to have his teeth brushed. He needs surgery for a hernia and they are getting him microchipped. I could not have dreamt up a better home for him.

05 October 2012

Friday morning with nowhere to go is the time for switching from coffee to tea.

04 October 2012

I have tomorrow off to write my paper. That makes today like Friday and I am happy. I have a list of reading for this afternoon.
Today I saw an Asian girl with hair down to her knees.

03 October 2012

Today I met a girl in my philosophy class who I had been curious about because she has purplish red hair, is super skinny, and wears colourful clothes. Also she prefaces her intelligent comments with "I am confused." She likes to talk, which I like, and she likes that this philosophy is out there, which I like, and she is thinking about taking an extra year to take classes for interest, which I can sympathize with. She came from science but she is not competitive and was facing a cold and two other midterms this week. I recommended green tea for the antioxidants and she said that sounded delicious.
Can it be beer o'clock? I listened to podcasts during my commute and it took a lot of mental energy. Also I woke up at 4:30 am and further I managed to appear as though I had my shit together in conversation with my philosophy professor.

02 October 2012


This is Steven Heaton's painting, "make us children of quietness and heirs to peace." I was going to buy it and then he told me how much it costs so I have just been staring at the jpeg.

01 October 2012

Swooped in on the library and claimed all of the A-list Descartes books before my classmates could get there. I am writing about Cartesian dualism.