30 November 2012

Today I did a giant procrastinatory cleaning. Now a whole bunch of academic ephemera is in polka dotted Ikea boxes instead of being in piles in corners. I just need to write the papers so that I can return books to the library. I have books covering all available flat surfaces, and a box for the books for the frozen project. I am drowning in books. I found lots of hair ties and solitary socks and lost an original piece of art. I hope it turns up.

29 November 2012

wanna know a secret? I used peer pressure techniques The New York Times says Barack Obama's campaign team used to get the vote out in order to get my professor to give me an extension on my paper.

28 November 2012

Today in class my philosophy professor outlined the answers to the very difficult exam questions he posted. This saved me days of struggling feebly. I think I might have at bit of a crush on him. Very inappropriate, given that he was mean to me. The map of my attractions is all screwed up. Colleen opened up a bit about her problems with her family, her dog and her ongoing hallucinations. She is a lovely, lovely person. I liked listening.

27 November 2012

This will be the last Tuesday I have to hang out all day long waiting for my evening class. My ritual has been to spend at least two hours of my five and a half hour break drinking a latte in a clean well-lighted place. This is the only day of the week on which I drink caffeinated coffee. Today there is music and it is too loud and I have been more slothful than on all afternoons previous.  I have pulled out my Descartes.

25 November 2012

I used to clip New York Times articles for the colour commentary around the facts... I want to do it again but even more so.
I'm feeling restless...

23 November 2012

Let's not talk about this.
Trying to put all distractions out of mind and just focus on the work that needs to be done. I think I would be feeling better right now if my professor hadn't been such a jerk. I think I need a distraction until I calm down.

21 November 2012

C. offered me her notes and suggested we work on our papers together this weekend. My gratitude is immense. I will bring my library books to get that girl an A+.

19 November 2012

C. didn't get back to my text message about our professor being a dick because she spent the weekend hallucinating. She got bored at a party and smoked some pot. No one else hallucinated. She said our professor was being inappropriate which made me feel better and offered to reply to texts today. I still want to hallucinate but am totally sympathetic about how it would fuck up your weekend. Five years ago I wouldn't have felt the same way. I've grown.

18 November 2012

This morning I had cat duty. There were three adolescent girl cats who purred for me, including a long haired orange and white one who showed me her spaying stitches. One was a tabby like my cat, but with thinner stripes, a tail, and more white on her face, and one was a very dark and striking calico with white feet also. There was also a little black and white boy kitten who snuggled and tussled and kneaded me. Cisco would've liked him as a friend. After my cat snuggles me on Sunday mornings I always think twice about leaving. It is a treat to have a good experience with the shelter cats.

17 November 2012

Made it through the day of intensive essay writing. Kind of a wreck by 5 pm. Now settling in for bed.
My professor hasn't written me back. I take this to be good news. Now I just have to finish my paper for Monday... celebration first.

16 November 2012

I'm not the type of person who can say, "fuck 'em" and believe it. I have an absolutely miserable and wasted afternoon to show for it.
I am sitting on a bit of a stress bomb while I wait to hear back from my professor. It's probably going to take a while as it took me more than a whole day to reply to his last message. Sad face.
Anxiety medication is taboo. Even C. gets judgmental about anxiety meds. To me they make all the difference in the world, first because my antipsychotic leaves me with a core feeling of agitation that makes people ask what's wrong with my face, and second because I literally have no thoughts when I am anxious. For me they have the same function as ADD meds do for her, allowing me to focus. It's not like I take the medication and persist with maladaptive or avoidant behaviors. The medication has made me more successful at coping over time, but the social pressure not to take it gets to me.
My brain is working. I took a day to step back from what my professor had said and the situation may not be as bad as all that. Can't really ask for anything more.

15 November 2012

Today a friend didn't know what to do about an essay topic. I made a suggestion of how she could get help, bringing what she did know to the table. She said, "I could do that." It felt good.

14 November 2012

My philosophy professor is mad at me and says he's taking a substantial cut of my grade. It's not like I wasn't trying. I'm consulting with my consultants. He really doesn't get it.

12 November 2012

Today was not so good for working but I guess some of it is still left. I am disappointed in myself. I am confused and not enjoying the fact that my library books have been recalled.
I want this sickness to leave me. I poured bleach in a glass of water with my retainer because it kept reinfecting me with a sore throat.

11 November 2012

I am stuck and confused but I am genuinely enjoying it.
I am trying to decide whether it is worth it to pay to subscribe to the New York Times online or whether it is all gossip.
Taking more medication should have made my thinking fuzzier but it is clearer. I am more able to take a step back, switch quickly between different approaches, and make decisions about what is useful. The nature of my anxiety is to block conscious thoughts. In the year and a half I spent with the psychologist, although he had written a manual on CBT, he just tried to calm me down by forming a connection. I have more connections now than I did before and they help me through life but do not stop the underlying anxiety. For me medication just works.

10 November 2012

Put in some good, active outline emendation. Off to see Skyfall late this afternoon!
I think I may be overmedicating myself... but I am sleeping very well. Being as tense as I was always feels traumatic when it's over. I was getting ready to give up everything when my doctor suggested not to. The way would be clearer if I knew what I was thinking that made me panic.

09 November 2012

I have gotten back to work (gulp) but not gotten back in my groove (yet). I feel happy not to be anxious.

07 November 2012

Something doesn't feel quite right.

06 November 2012

Had lunch with C.. She had hand-washed her clothes and they were drying on the radiator and all around her place. She had not slept because she was trying to finish a paper she had spent all weekend planning. Her dog remembered me and brought out his new toy to play fetch with. It was awkward even though or maybe because we were both in a place of feeling defeated but weren't prepared to dwell on it.

05 November 2012

Today there was a bit of sun and I returned books to the library in it, waited in it, drank coffee in it and walked in it.

03 November 2012

C. and I are going to hang out and read on Tuesday. We may try to talk philosophy. She sounds sweet when she talks about her manic episodes. It's totally different than the way my sister gets upset. She did almost all of the talking the last time I saw her, which could be a low-level manic reaction to having her antidepressant increased because she was depressed. Or she just talks a lot.
Just got a pass on helping my sister move due to her unpredictable bipolar mood swings.
I know it's poor form to mention that it's been raining for weeks when people have lost their lives and homes to the hurricane, but I'm saying it.
Since I was having panic attacks on 1 mg (a fair bit) of my anti-anxiety medication clonazapam I decided not to take it anymore. This could easily have been silly. One can become addicted to this stuff but that seems not to have happened to me as I quit pretty much cold turkey. I just became habituated to it so that it didn't work anymore. Luckily there is an antipsychotic that works in small doses when I have panic symptoms, so if I need it I still have something. It is better not to need it.
My goldfish is zooming around his bowl. The cat is sitting on my textbook. The dog is wagging her tail. I can't find the light bulbs so am sitting in the dark.

02 November 2012

lonely... but recovering. my mom told me to get a job and I had a panic attack. halloween candy.

01 November 2012

My cat is a very diligent little nurse. He's been sleeping beside me all day, paying me extra attention.
This morning as the sun came up everything looked blue under the clouds.