16 December 2013

My goldfish is going to be 5 in February. He shows no signs of slowing down. I named him Guppy. My uncle suggested that this could be a great basis for a childrens' story: someone who thinks they're plain but turns out to be grand. Does anybody want to write and illustrate an easy reader with me? The date to deliver would be July and I'm thinking with The Girl Least Likely and Lost Gander this could be amazing.

12 December 2013

I have been a delinquent blogger....

For the holidays I have opened a haberdashery for children. There will be a skull and crossbones hat, a proper darling bonnet, two spring hats, one in broad triangles and a knot on top and the other purple tweed with a lace flower at the crown, as well as a possible lilac santa hat with an extra long tassel. I am hard at work.

I made Star Wars snowflakes for the 6 year old Star Wars fan in my life and attended St Nikolaus Day at the Austrian schnitzel haus to deliver my gift. My Nicolas sat in my lap for much of the night, telling me about loving tag, water slides and rock climbing as well as suavely hiding from the Scary Santas in the most hideous Halloween costumes ever running around with brooms and large claws and making all the little kids scream.

My cat is being extra cuddly (in between shredding knitting patterns before breakfast) and I have sat and laid still for long times patting him.

I have had writing ideas come together and be cast apart again in panic attacks.

I have bought twinkle lights, tiny led's on bendable copper wire, for cheap on Amazon, and then spent ridiculous money on Christmas decorations I have no intention to display this year. The tomato red blown glass balls were a steal at $5 a piece.

It has snowed, and today the rain came to wash away all the snow.

My sister opened up to me about her illness, and in doing so built a bridge bringing the two of us as close as we've ever been. She is starting MAOI's and I am making her an apple puff pancake Christmas morning so that she doesn't stroke out and die after eating what the rest of us will.

All in all it has been a pretty happy December.

23 November 2013

I bought this painting, "the light yet shines to us enough," by my friend Steven Heaton. It is full of hope and things coming together.

31 October 2013

Happy Halloween!

I dressed Bo up as a dragon. He even did a little dragon dance.

26 October 2013

I have recently taken up knitting again. I am having fun and so is my cat. He likes the chunky yarn I am making felted slippers from, chasing the tail, purring, and wrestling the ball of yarn. The kittenishness of his interest is completely adorable.

16 October 2013

My dad is playing hardball with the bank. He's like, they admitted they were at fault, now they're going to pay FOR EVERYTHING. I'm glad he's still angry.

21 September 2013

I was so grateful today when my dad, the peacemaker and rock of our family, said that my sister really doesn't understand me. He is sad she is not coming home when she needs respite, but she has good people to support her.

11 September 2013

"She's worried there are monsters in your room?!?!"
I gave my six year old cousin Nicholas the book, "My First Kafka," as a present on starting grade one. He really took to the pictures and its version of "The Metamorphosis." I like that he has a story that is open to all sorts of questions and interpretations and just I don't knows, and that he engages with it that way, even at his age. He really struggles with his father exerting authority, so it has emotional impact as well. Nicholas wanted to share the book with his dad and his mom, after they got in a fight and before bed respectively, which I thought was a good sign. He is starting to read himself too! And, kind, empathetic, sensitive soul that he is, he asked me why I sometimes get frustrated with my mom, a secret which I told him last time we were together.

03 September 2013

My dad sent me an e-mail this morning called "18 things children can teach us about happiness." My sister is bipolar and dealing with her is constantly tumultuous, and I have schizoaffective disorder. He says he didn't even want to send the whole thing, just the title. He is a really good dad.

30 August 2013

I am overjoyed for my friend Mr Field, who is having a book of his art published by a good gallery (of course they're good - his work is amazing!). I promise to tell you where you can get it as details become available.
When I was caring for the cats on Monday I noticed two tuxedo kittens with bald patches on their faces. This was alarming, because the shelter has recently had an outbreak of ringworm, I had been cuddling one of the kittens (disgusting), and I had noticed nothing the day before. At first the shelter lady was too exhausted to believe me since no one else had called, but I pressed, and she e-mailed me to say she'd removed them from the viewing area. I am so relieved, and happy I was able to be effective.

27 August 2013

I ate ice cream for breakfast and then the dog took me for a long walk. Win-win.

23 August 2013

I don't know if it's that the Ayurvedic tea I've been drinking (Pukka's Cleanse blend of nettle, peppermint and fennel) has actually been working, or if it's just the summer heat, but the pores on either side of my nose have been most welcomely disappearing. I've decided to take up beauty products. Scratch that, the beauty products I've tried don't work but one of my favourite things, tea, apparently does. See you (or not!) in the vanity isle!

21 August 2013

As part of her psychological treatment my mom is fucking up perfectly good baking.

19 August 2013

Early morning cuddles in bed with the cat and dog.

18 August 2013

I have seen a young (small) red-crested woodpecker twice now.
Mum's dog let me sleep in an extra 45 minutes without peeing on the floor. She hopped outside crossing her legs, then took me for a shorter walk than she has the past two days. She let a blonde lady out running pet her, I think because she looked like my mom and the dog misses her. The dog has behaved herself very well, and is even sleeping on the chair in my bedroom while I type.

17 August 2013

I provided just the right amount of information to get the longest deadline possible.

16 August 2013

I went inside the hive and the bees had been busy building wax foundations on the frames we moved into the lower part of the hive. I was very proud of them. They had also built comb and collected honey in the upper part of the hive, where many more of the bees had moved! I put one frame in the middle of two frames with honey on them wearing no gloves and didn't get stung. It was a very good bee day.

14 August 2013

Today has been a banner writing day, so it figures that I would lose my epic cool and start panicking right now.

08 August 2013

This afternoon the cupboard was quietly restocked with the special high-grade chocolate. I am using it to try to get my stomach to cease and desist its panging. I have been hungry all day and eating hasn't helped make the problem go away. I am cursing my psychiatrist so hard right now. This never happened to me before the Abilify. Other people must have had this happen to them. It's hellish. This is four months after I quit the drug.

06 August 2013

My friend, the talented Mr Field and I are working on the same philosophical project! He wants to read the books I am reading for my Hegel-Nietzsche term paper. The problem we are working on is this: what to do when God is not truly, deeply believed in, but the metaphysics God supported lives on.

04 August 2013

I'm working on writing something sophisticated about Descartes, while the Hegel books I really want to be reading stand at the ready beside my bed. I dislike Descartes for the same reasons Leibniz did: he was a dick who wanted a whole bunch of people to think like him. Leibniz was a smart guy; you will remember he also invented calculus.

03 August 2013

A quick chat with Mr Field across a flickering internet connection. All is well. My mother's dog took me on a long walk this morning. I will wait for the sky to clear to take the cat out, so that he can feel the sun on his fur.

01 August 2013

I woke up at 3 am worrying in complete sentences. The professor responsible is a dick who doesn't return messages. It was sunny but cold so I am wearing a winter sweater and mismatched t-shirt. I got more than expected done. This afternoon I got lonely (writing makes me lonely) and had to talk to my mom because my friend Mr Field is on vacation. I now cannot wait to be back asleep because my body feels as though it is collapsing.
My track pad bit it. I was sad, because my Mac was expensive and is only 4 years old and I years ago couldn't burn cd's with it and wait, I just updated $40 worth of brand new operating systems so I could run my new iPod with iPhoto (which I am now too broke this month to download).  Just looking at the Macs in my family home, I would say that the rate of hardware failure is 50% over 4 computers. The guy at the Mac store (the one I paid, not the hot one who diagnosed my Macbook's ailment) said we were spoiled during the late 90's by slower processors that were less likely to break. Good grief. I only know that my sister's last PC, which was half the price of my computer, completely died after 3 years. If my computer had completely died I would have lost a year's worth of research and been screwed as deadlines approach this month. I am about to get all over this new Cloud thing.

30 July 2013

Crazy talk with my mom about premenstrual symptoms, my lack thereof, and the false information given to her by police when I was psychotic.

29 July 2013

Lots of people view my blog every day now that it is linked to my Twitter, especially spam-bots from China and Russia. Anyone else should feel free to break from the protocol of silence and leave a comment.

28 July 2013

Not only one, but two professors have agreed to let me turn in papers in September, thus putting my academic house in order. I am pleased for myself. I am so happy that I am now able to work in a way that is progressing. I am not one of those people who is able to function rationally through depression. And I got to be there for my Opi.

20 July 2013

I thought I lost my mom's dog today. She was having a tough morning, spending a good number of minutes sniffing the grass in front of our house before I told her "no" and she went on her walk. The dog reminded me of my mom in her obsessiveness. When we got to the dog park I went along her usual route, counterclockwise, and ran in to some dogs. Zoe saw them and balked. I couldn't see her, but instead of running through them, as she would usually do, or around them, as she would in a pinch, she ran the other way around all the way down to the other end of the dog park. I thought she might have gone home, so started walking back that way, before eventually following her. She ran to greet me. I was very happy that she waited for me, and so I used the word "wait," which she knows, over and over in praising her. We are all home safe now.

19 July 2013

Hello library lovers!

A First Nation in my home province just lost their beloved Thestalalh Library to a fire. I found out through one of their tribal councillors Jess Housty on Twitter. She is very kind, works with young people, and talks about how it is impossible not to feel "huge gratitude and high spirits" surrounded by "so many amazing people." Jess' tweets make me happy and fill me with hope. Canada's government tried to destroy First Nations' language, culture and family structure under the guise of "helping." Given this history of racism, First Nations people face obstacles that those in the majority culture do not. The strength and resilience of their communities matters, and makes a big difference in individual lives. If you can help send books, or a make a small donation to make the library better than ever, please visit www.bellabellalibrary.com. Thank you for listening, the more people know the better we will treat one another in the future.

18 July 2013

Today I was sitting on a bench in the local mall with my beer waiting for my mom to buy some bread and I met some elderly Punjabi speaking ladies. I said "satskreeakal" which is hello and one of them patted me on the back and asked me if I spoke Punjabi. Unfortunately the answer is no. They were lovely though, really lovely, and I will ask Rup, a Pestmart manager, to teach me "how are you" next time I see him.

17 July 2013

Today was my cousin Nicholas' sixth birthday. We got together at Omi and Opi's for cake and gift giving. I got him some Mr Men books, none of which he already had, including some to make sense of the girl down the street. Lego and Playmobile Starwars stuff was a big hit (I got shuttled off to play some!) but the best birthday present ever was the ride on, steering enabled, hand-brake equipped car he got from Omi, who didn't have a 6th birthday party because World War Two was going on. Now, the best part of the afternoon was when Nicholas asked me why I looked sad and I asked him if I could tell him a secret: "sometimes my mom frustrates me." He said, mine too. He is an empathetic and kind six year old! He also said that he doesn't get church. "Even when I go with Omi it's just like blah, blah, blah." "Maybe when you get older the words will mean something," I said, trying to be diplomatic. Omi goes to church every day. Anyhow, the boy is right spoiled but he is a keeper.

16 July 2013

I opened up my bee hive, by myself, wearing shorts... and my gloves. I wanted to see how they were progressing on the frames that we had rearranged to give them more exposure. They were doing very well at collecting honey on them! And I didn't get stung. Good bees.
My cat therapy worked and I received snuggles.

15 July 2013

I was worried I hurt my goldfish when I was trying to scoop him out of his bowl for a water change. I felt really really awful. He seems to be doing fine though. Since I started feeding him a new, less objectively healthy food he has gotten a new lease on life, becoming much more lively. He's made it better than four years now and is a beautiful swimmer.
My cat has cuddled me once since his surgery. I have been lying on the floor next to him not touching just to hear him purr. At least he is purring. I think his surgery and the problems with his medication afterwards were very traumatic for him.

09 July 2013

My psychiatrist was right psyched about our bees. He also said that I was "psychologically minded," which I took as a big complement. I hope that I get over my drinking thing soon though, because he was so proud I was not abusing my benzodiazipine prescription.

08 July 2013

Our bees have the much-hated Verroa mites. We spotted one large female by accident and found the itty bitty males crawling around in the debris tray. With the addition of the super for honey the 4 o'clock bee meeting has grown in magnitude to become actually quite frightening to witness. The bees look as though they are getting ready to swarm and leave the hive but they have more than enough space and have not produced any new queens, the two factors that would lead them to do so. Bob the bee guy doesn't even know what it's about. While scraping the extraneous burr comb from the frames we found some that contained honey. It was more floral than any wildflower honey you would find in a store and quite exciting to sample for the first time. My mom and I are debating whether to smoke or not to smoke the bees and whether or not to wear gloves. Neither of us got stung last time, and I have opened the hive twice since the first time that I got stung. It's true my gloves are an encumbrance and stick to the frames when I am trying to put them back in the body of the hive.

04 July 2013

I grew up very independent with few close ties, but now, at 30, being alone causes me anxiety. Even when the rest of my life is going well.

22 June 2013

Today much of the pollen is grey. Also, we have about 3 bumblebees who adore our lavender topiaries.

21 June 2013

This evening the pollen is white.
Our bees are returning to the hive with pollen in their baskets! Very exciting!!

The pollen is yellow and bright orange (probably from dandelions).

18 June 2013

When we opened the box that contained our bees there was a terrifying swarm. I got stung. Once my mum moved them to the hive the bees calmed down considerably. From the looks of things they have yet to discover the local blackberry blossoms.

13 June 2013

We got our beehive!

07 June 2013

My mom's dog is sweet. She does not judge me for the pile of scarves on the chair in my room but piles herself on top of them. I then moved them for her comfort.

05 June 2013

After thinking about what my mom said about my Opi I was worried, so I called my busybody aunt to go make sure he was getting enough pain medication. I also told her to tell him that I was a grumpy patient too.
My 80-year-old Opi had quadruple bypass surgery. He vows not to do it again. Today was awfully painful. Apparently he was getting mad at the nurses in German.

01 June 2013

This beekeeping thing is very girly. The hive revolves around the queen and her attendants, and the majority of the rest of the bees, the workers, are all girls who like flowers.

27 May 2013

I got my mom and I tickets to a honey bee keeping course for mother's day. Yesterday we went and were pleasantly surprised by the gentleness of the bees and today she was hunting down the recommended bee keeping book. She is so enthused I think we might actually get our own hive this year, because in a couple weeks is the ideal time! It is wonderful to see her excited about something that has nothing to do with her profession.

24 May 2013

I stayed up til 10:30 which is so late for me that by the time I got out of the car from dropping my friend off with my dad I was so tired I couldn't walk properly. I tumbled into bed and went to sleep with my comfy silk party dress on.

23 May 2013

My cousin Nic has diarrhea so he and my Aunt Sally can't come to my graduation. My friend Holly can't come because her mom is dying a horrible death of cancer. My Opi is in the hospital. Crappy day for a graduation.

21 May 2013

Dr thinks my Opi may have had a stroke. Omi lied about it this morning. Hopefully we get to see him tomorrow.
My graduation party is in two days and fully half the people invited won't say if they're coming. I have offered them them the most open-ended conversations possible to respond to. All this time and nobody fucking cares about the prosecco and fancy cake.
Bo has an infection on the upper right hand side of his mouth. The whole segment of gums is red and swollen.

20 May 2013

My mom called me the calm parent with reference to my cat, but I can't tell you how much less obsessed I feel now that he is behaving more like himself.

19 May 2013

We had to go back to the vet again yesterday for a new bandage, because the whole family tried, and we couldn't bandage Bo ourselves. The vet wouldn't stitch Bo back up again, so he will have a big pink scar across the black pad of his paw. He is doing a three-legged hop to show his displeasure with the bandage, which is as sad as it is entertaining. Before he pulled the stitches out he was leaving little bloody footprints; afterwards he did not bleed. So far the bandage looks like it will hold. Also, I got a good look inside his mouth during a big yawn and the gums looked pink and happy and healing well.

18 May 2013

Bastard cat pulled off his bandage and out his stitches.

17 May 2013

My mom received the very good news that her colleagues refused to take her job and lobbied the principal to give her another year to get back to work. This combined with cutting off her lithium abruptly seems to have made her feel fantastic, as it well should. She is also doing mindfulness meditation guided by various cd's and self-help gurus. I think she's one for charismatic healers.
Bo is wondering how the fuck a day that started out so good ended up in (1) having to get back in the car for (2) a trip back to the veterinarian and (3) a bandage change. It is a smaller bandage, which the vet said he would chew on because it would help him to feel more normal. He's feeling pretty close to normal, by the looks of things. The healing is reportedly going well. Bo is pretty pissed off though, so I am ignoring him.
Bo greeted me with cuddles this morning. He let me lift him down when we got up. I gave him breakfast, which he gobbled up, once before his antibiotic and once after. He just hopped up on my desk to drink water from the fish bowl... things are getting back to normal :)

16 May 2013

2pm and Bo is sleeping. Think I might have a go at that too.
Bo's pupils returned to normal size somewhere between noon, staring out my bedroom window, and eating a small lunch. Now he has taken up again his perch on the back of the couch. I haven't seen him get any good sleep apart from a nap in the hallway between 8:30 and 9.
Got a call from a vet tech to check on Bo. Apparently the doctor who did the surgery texted from the airport to check on him.
I woke up at 3:30am to check on Bo. His pupils are still enormous (he is med sensitive like the rest of his human family) but he purred and accepted my company without getting rattled. His eyes closed a few times, then he ate breakfast and vehemently refused his antibiotic pill. I let that go because he had had a less effective injectable antibiotic and had just eaten dry kibble. It's an open buffet of kibble today because he didn't eat at all yesterday. I will try again with the pill this evening. Then he fell asleep in the hallway.

15 May 2013

My poor cat had a bad reaction to the dose or type of pain medication he was prescribed. When we got there the vet was very gentle with him and explained that he could be hallucinating. He's home again with new pain meds on board, which will hopefully treat him better. It will be another few hours before the old medication wears off.

14 May 2013

We brought home my cat. He was still bleeding a little down both sides of his face and wearing an ugly little bandana and plastic name tag around his neck. He was not going to have any cloth near his face so I got him out of the bad duds and he took care of the rest. We didn't know if he knew where he was so decided to put him on his favourite cushion. He didn't like that AT ALL and loped unsteadily to my bedroom, swaying on his back legs, kicking his bandaged left front paw out at on odd angle, going first for his food dish, second for cuddles as I followed down the hallway, and then third to look out of the open window. Then much more cuddles, and back to the food that had by this time softened up in some warm water and turned cold. Nice priorities.
They're just finishing up the surgery on Bo now. I have an order from the vet to pick up special cat litter, and to pick the cat up at 6:30 tonight.

12 May 2013

My cat was so good about taking his pre-surgery antibiotics this morning. He even came for a second snuggle afterward... probably because he'd got a second breakfast without having asked. I want him fed so that he is fit for surgery and healing and also so that the pills don't make him sick.

11 May 2013

I gave my mom a ripe yellow guava this morning, to get her in a cheery mood. She is going off of all of her medications. She has never been so fragile; maybe the medications are bad for her. I am trying to be supportive, both in keeping her animated company and in helping out with the cleaning.

10 May 2013

My cat is a dapper fellow

09 May 2013

Watching my goldfish discover a taste for itty bitty pieces of skinned peas yesterday was a lot of fun. I think he might have eaten 1 pea total. File under things that are surprisingly exciting.

08 May 2013

I took Bo out for a walk in the cool garden when I woke up early this morning. It was several hours before I could call the vet and say we'd found the money for his surgery. I checked that the antibiotic the doctor prescribed wouldn't be the same one that made him so ill last year and it was a good thing I did. We're going to take good care of my little buddy and it feels very good.
I didn't tell you my goldfish was sick because Lost Gander finds it depressing. My fish ate too fast and started swimming in spirals like a tumbling pigeon then collapsing on his side: his swim bladder was compressed. Anyway, I followed the treatment plan suggested by Dr Google and he's fine again.

06 May 2013

The vet says, don't worry too much about the lump, worry about his teeth, for which we need to save up $700 before the surgery, with $300 to be paid in installments after, with a payment plan. So that plus possibly antibiotics for 6 months while I save up. We can remove the lump when we remove his teeth.
Yesterday my cat was doing a good job at ignoring me. "Perhaps you are being a bit intense." Lying on the carpet staring at him. "I thought I was holding it together pretty well." Being an old soul my cat forgave me and slept on my bed while I rolled around, waking early, trying not to kick him. He moved over to curl up with me. His most recent thing is to lie half on my chest while I wake up. We did that. I opened a fresh bag of cat food. Later this morning we will go to the veterinarian.

04 May 2013

I found out that pet insurance is not such a great deal (unless your pet is in an accident and can be reconstructed for $2500, plus 20% and $150) and opened a small savings account for the sole purpose of saving for my cat's medical bills.
I was rolling around on the floor with my cat and found a hard growth on the pad of his left front paw. Here's to rolling around with your cat as a health measure :(

02 May 2013

My mom's problem was that she was taking more mood stabilizer.

Last night I slept about 3 hours and woke up at 12:30am.  None of my tricks for sleep helped. The cat curled up beside me in bed. I may have gotten a little of the kind of sleep that feels like you're not sleeping. I got up at 4:30 and worked on my paper. My body ached with tiredness but I felt alert. I tried sleeping again in the early afternoon, with a small handful of pills designed to combat the possibility of mania and napped for a few hours.

29 April 2013

So. This week I am exercising. If I lose any weight I will consider keeping the new pills; if I gain weight I'm going back to the old ones.

I walked up to my appointment herding cats this afternoon. I made all the cats purr except for the baby kittens who I wanted to let sleep. Two cats sat in my lap. I thought about how nice it would be to have three black and white cats you could only tell apart by their disparate markings.

When I came home my mom had been crying. She is worried she won't get her old job back even though she has gotten cards in the mail from her principal every month.

The dog is sitting in the other chair, keeping me company as I type this. I am having a beer I was going to save for next weekend on ice because the dog and I are on the same page about a crying mom. I don't think she's getting better. She seems to be getting more dependent. Instead of mindfulness classes I want to send her to Womens' Studies 101.
I talked to my nurse. Just so you know. I am taking care of myself and being taken care of.

27 April 2013

I could deal with random paranoia; I don't like this current feeling of being ambiently scared for no reason. It happens in the afternoon. I tie it to the reduction in my old medication working its way through my system. I can sleep now, which is great, but I've gained another 5 lbs and my favourite jeans don't fit :(

26 April 2013

I am inhabiting sleeping animal central. Mom is away and the dog wanted to go for two walks today but I told her I had to study. It was extremely difficult, she was persistent. I studied until I became paranoid and then I did the dishes.

24 April 2013

So. I have read a book on Kierkegaard, sung Zou Bisou to a cat to get her to come out of hiding, and traded tea with a shop girl as we each evangelized our favourite blends. I now have a fair amount of pretty amazing tea that I have been drinking non-stop, except now I can drink coffee too. Cue the citrusy-floral Ethopian coffee that doesn't come in decaf. I have been listening to music and falling asleep by myself, but I still sleep 11-12 hours. Tomorrow I walk and I write.

15 April 2013

Cleaned up the green algae bloom in my fish bowl indicating all is once again well with the microorganisms that break down ammonia. My fish is like 3 years old and still going.

13 April 2013

It's nice when my cat misses me and curls up next to me to sleep at night. Then this morning as we were waking up he stretched out on his back with his feet tossed over my shoulder and head at my hip: the ultimate in kitty trust.

07 April 2013

After waking up every hour until midnight I took some of my old medication. Not with food at dinner time, so no time for akathesia to set in, but it helped me sleep.

06 April 2013

I am having trouble sleeping but either way I did the medication thing it was going to suck. So far no paranoia, just a cat running around at 6 am shredding all available paper.

05 April 2013

It's 8:00 and I'm not in bed :)
I quit my old medication last night because the low dose was making me miserably restless, as it did when I was going on it. I feel good, and hopefully that continues over the next several days. Maybe the paranoid glimpses won't hang on? I am falling asleep because I am tired, not because my medication makes me for the first time since I've been on medication. Hopefully my caffeine sensitivity goes away now too so that I can drink all the roasts of coffee. I may decide to lie about this all and pretend to still be taking the old medication to smooth relations with my doctor or I may tell him I was following his suggestions which I originally overruled on account of his wanting to drop the old medication before I got to a therapeutic dose of the new one. My memory has gaps this semester from all the med changes; it is time to stabilize before I have to write my final exam.

04 April 2013

Did not get an interview at the hospital.

03 April 2013

The professor had his books organized by colour.
The professor I was talking to today told me about waking up and thinking he was dead, and going to tell his lover who was on the couch, and being told, "no, you are waking me up." Sometimes we crazies have cute delusions. The professor and I are on the same medication but it is causing him sleep problems. I provided my recipes for sleep.
The sleepy animals have surrounded me.

01 April 2013

so pleased my black violas returned for spring

31 March 2013

I wish I could sue the psychiatrist who put me on Stelazine, which caused crazy side effects (I then refused to take it and demanded to be let out of the treatment facility) and permanent neurological damage. I have a tremor under my right eye with this new drug now that I doubt would have happened otherwise.
More popular than my better known zebra striped socks.

29 March 2013

My leopard print socks are very popular.
I guess the thing with this medication is that the line where sanity meets insanity remains visible. I can peer over and see what a crazy person would, only without becoming terrified. In this way the crazy remains an active part of my identity, which it hasn't been for 3 years. I am still not sure how strong I can be, this makes everything seem fragile. On the other hand I feel calmer, which makes me feel more confident. My new living space.
I got my act together and applied for some volunteer jobs in a hospital. Hopefully something will work out.

27 March 2013

All the fires have been put out.

26 March 2013

My theory professor has a psychotic sense of humour.

25 March 2013

88% on the Hegel portion of my midterm! Same guidance as usual.
Arts Academic Advising is willing to consider a request for withdrawal from courses I failed when I lacked the insight not to be in school due to my illness. I stayed because being in that environment made me want to be alive. They practically never do this, the advisor I contacted said when I asked. This would make it much easier for me to apply to programs from here on out. A gift!

24 March 2013

Historians can throw down the names and ideas of tons of theorists but their work reads as atheoretical?
I am slowly returning to earth.
The professor who invited me to the conference walked into the room where Grafton was giving his third talk and gave me a big hug. Never was a hug more welcome. She held a seat beside me with an acupuncture model of a head. Nearly all of the professors who have shaped my ideas the most turn up. Grafton's talk was fascinating, about philological divination (guessing), his new book project. His erudition, across six or seven languages, was jaw-dropping.

One day later Grafton remembers my name as he enters a conference seminar on Columbus' encounter with the new world. He admires my dedication and I say I'm getting my early modern fix (actually my early modern education.)

Two days later Grafton sits beside me for a seminar on indigenous peoples in London. I cannot for the life of me think of anything to say. I should have told him the persimmon tea was really good! At lunch he talks about how he got the name Grafton (his dad was a journalist and picked the most Protestant sounding name he could think of, the street he grew up on, when told to pick a new one to move with his boss to a bigger newspaper). A colleague from Princeton had given a talk on (non-metaphorical) languages in science and was discussing how Yiddish was descended from middle German along with Hoch Deutch, which, Grafton corrected his colleague, only people from [some place that I have forgotten] learn at home. Grafton then says he didn't learn Yiddish at home because parents at the time didn't want their kids to have the accent. He says he learned a little bit at Princeton.

23 March 2013

They had oversize German chocolate ladybugs at the bookstore so I bought one for my mom and told her it was to change her luck. She liked it a lot and thought it was very sweet.

20 March 2013

Tony Grafton was an absolutely gracious star about signing my book and saying hello to me. I said who I was a student of and he remembered her fondly and enthusiastically. It's sad that I don't have a field, because he asked. I waved to my book history prof from across the room and he later said that he'd introduced me to Grafton as "a refugee from the history department" in that moment. They've been nice to me but it's true: I am not a born storyteller and I love some of the classes I've been able to take in other departments (book history, theory).
My mom had a second car accident and her car has been written off again. Both times she said she didn't see the other car coming. Normally she is hyper aware on the road, able to identify birds and animals I don't even see.

18 March 2013

I think maybe it's that I'm patient with the dog according to her capabilities and never shout at her.
Helped a friend scoop a textbook from the library - my one and only superpower is taking the library for all it's worth.
Dog wouldn't walk with dad or mom this morning before ecstatically rounding me up for a romp. Her issue therefore does not seem to be dominance or who gives the most treats. I do not know what her issue is. I am trying to teach her to let the posties be, or at least, she has to walk on a very short leash when we see them. This walking has turned into 45 minutes of sweating and exhaustion.

17 March 2013

so cute... the parents go out and the dog immediately comes to me to take her for a walk. I have to decline due to the 80 pages of Gadamer, Habermas, Foucault and Derrida I am fighting with my concentration to read.
I ran into a girl I coached in synchronized swimming back when I was in high school. She had trouble floating. She was in the pet shop looking at cats, of which her family has seven, with her baby girl Ella, the first time I'd seen them together. Ella is a miracle, because when Sarah was 19 months old she was diagnosed with leukemia, and doctors told her the treatment meant she could never have children. Ella is doubly a miracle because she was conceived while Sarah was recovering from a brain tumor that was a result of the childhood cancer treatment, and for the first two months she didn't know she was pregnant because her period was coming twice a month. She was also on seizure medication that is a risk to fetuses. Ella is a big baby, born at 8 pounds and to all appearances healthy; Sarah is a tiny woman, I don't know if she's even 5 feet tall. We talked for a while. Sarah is enjoying being off work and like me doesn't get bored not working. She used to look completely miserable when I saw her on the bus and didn't say hello. She said she'd come back to visit while I was minding the cats.
Caught my cat looking very handsome

15 March 2013

Looks like I'm going to live at the university next week between my conference and FOUR Anthony Grafton lectures. I will bring my copy of The Footnote to hopefully get autographed and hopefully get to ask him about how he keeps his sources organized.

13 March 2013

Birthday Flowers

Received another e-mail note from my cousin who is pregnant. I don't know her very well, but I sent her a congratulations card telling her I was jealous and urging her to come to our family gatherings because grandma loves little kids and she said it made her day. It turns out she is exceptionally kind and willing to get to know me, which is just the nicest. I have more connections with people now than I ever have in my life, I think, and I am grateful for all of them.
The dog has been very naughty, peeing beside my mom's side of the bed in the night, so she is getting the disciplinary treatment. I took her for a walk this morning, just a short one as it was raining. I wasn't sure she would go out. A man got his two German Shepherds to sit facing him so Zoe could pass... she is scared of the German Shepherds, but I think she might have been thinking that I would come back and we could go the other way on a long walk. Then I had to get get her by the mail man, no small feat, her behavior was very bad. Apparently she cried through most of the night because she had to spend it in her kennel. I asked her if she would like to come sit in my chair and she is now snoring in it. Despite our struggles I feel like the dog whisperer. The cat is under the quilt on my bed.

09 March 2013

Anthony Grafton is giving a guest lecture just before the conference on translation I am going to!! So exciting!!! I am going to get him to autograph my copy of The Footnote.
I am thinking seriously about becoming a nurse. I would need to take 6 credits of human anatomy at a college, but they like that you have a degree first and my grades, if we discount incomplete classes, are easily good enough to qualify. I need to see about volunteering to find out more about whether I want to go into blood and guts nursing or psychiatric nursing. It would be an exciting job and I would be able to advocate for people. Also, it would be all about life-long learning.

08 March 2013

Feeling much better today :)

07 March 2013

I went back to my plan, taking with it a super emergency sanity pill. Oh wow am I grateful for those.

06 March 2013

I ended up trying to follow my doctor's recommendation on dosing because my memory was bad and now I feel sad and have had panic attacks two days in a row. Maybe not a good idea? It's disconcerting to think I might be right here.

04 March 2013

Zoe has gotten the message that I would like some extra exercise. She took me on another long walk today.

02 March 2013

My optometrist gave me a Hello Kitty hologram sticker today. She stuck it on my hand. I like her, and not because of the Hello Kitty thing. I don't "like" doctors. She seems very competent. She talks to me through the whole eye exam and it's fine that she's speaking from a script. I do what she says and she tells me I have healthy eyes. I have seen her for years even though it is not the cheapest place I could go.

01 March 2013

Applied for that job working with a four-year-old autistic kid. I am not the professional they indicated an interest in in their posting but I have interests in those areas which I made clear. The job as 6 hours a week and pays $20-25 an hour, so they probably got a zillion applications. I'll try not to get my hopes up.

27 February 2013

Study group with the dog, cat and goldfish.
I argued with my doctor and basically prescribed my own increase in the new medication to happen while he is away. I am the wild west of mental patients. My old doctor used to think my assertiveness around medications was good; I knew what I needed to stay well and didn't have any significant breaks for three years. So far so good: the hunger side effect has gone away. I can see the extra weight in my face though and it makes me uncomfortable. I haven't eaten myself all the way into this state, there has been a shift in my metabolism, which makes things more difficult. I have been making an effort to get focused earlier in the day and am having an easier time of it. My doctor sees this as mood related; I see it as focus related. I wish I could be working on Hegel but I've got to get Hume sorted out first.

24 February 2013

Immna be 30 on March 10. My mom asked what I wanted. I think it is an over-the-top glass teapot from Anthropologie. Not a piece of jewelry.
My professor, bless him, is going to let me write my midterm a week late so that I have time to prepare AND hand in my paper for my other class. I have grand visions for this midterm; it's going to be great. I have not been procrastinating; I have even crammed reading into the morning hours. I will have lots of stuff to write, unlike my final at Christmas.

23 February 2013

The dog got her hair cut and is not feeling well. She is sleeping in my chair and the cat is sleeping under the covers on my bed. Love!
I plan to populate a little family of these cats. Then we will have a tea party in a teepee. They make little ones also.

21 February 2013

Looking at jobs... thinking about caring jobs, like helping marginalized people garden or doing behavior modification with autistic kids.

20 February 2013

Spring is here and the cat is really cute at playing with his toys!

19 February 2013

The dog has decided every time now my mom leaves the house she wants to go for a walk.
I cannot work before noon.
Posted the schedule for the history conference I will be attending at the end of March on the back of my door above the calendar. It's time to get reading the seminar papers!

18 February 2013

Yesterday one of the shelter cats attacked me - I woke up during the night with a strange pain in my finger joint. Before that though, near the end of my shift, a French woman came in and determined that the cat only liked to be patted on the head, before getting several bloody scratches of her own. Today, I tried her trick, letting the poor shaved skinny cat sniff my hand before gently stroking his head a few times. He did not hiss or lash out with claws and settled back down to nap. Twenty minutes before the end of my shift he got up out of his cage, jumped up in my lap and sat with me. It was the sweetest, his fragile body balanced on my knees. My heart filled up for him. When I had to put him back in his cage he did not freak out, but let me carry him. Moments of communication like that are incredible.

17 February 2013

I have the patience to woo strange cats, why do I not have the patience to take my cat for walks? He is no longer happy and is withholding my morning snuggles, which I really need. I can't fall asleep at night and my 1/4 pill of melatonin is leaving me with a big hangover.  

15 February 2013

My mom's dog, who will not walk with her, had so much fun on her walk with me this morning she asked to go for another one when my mom went out again. Unfortunately I need to deal with David Hume.
A little while ago I wrote my x-boyfriend a little hello note. I have missed him all of these years and I may have been drinking. I heard nothing for a while and gave up. Then he wrote back, a letter I received on Valentine's Day, with a great deal of kindness, saying that he thought of me often and was glad I had gotten in touch because he is not good at keeping up with old friends. He is taking two antidepressants, which bring him out of his shell, but is still depressed. He is no longer in his PhD program but rides a motorbike to work as a forklift operator. I think the old girlfriend and the new girlfriend are the same person? He has been with her for 4 years. He sounds happy, which made me happy. He explained the rough time he was having when we broke things off, he said he had had psychotic moments too. He was often mean to me when he wasn't feeling well. His kindness is a kind of affirmation of life and what I had been holding on to so tight, but was always beyond reach. It feels okay now.

13 February 2013

My nurse is very controlling. I think I'm going to cut her out of everyday operations.
Found! My fabulous Rebecca Comay Nietzsche notes and a probably mostly useless (analytic philosophical) file box of research I did on Nietzsche for another class. I have to say, I may have been very ill when I took both of these classes, but my powers of basic reconnaissance - taking good notes and marking every unindexed single passage in which Nietzsche mentions silence, quiet or hiddenness - were good.
Apparently the deal with my doctor is that he was trained in the UK and is writing and studying for licensing exams in Canada. I am stuck, mid-titration, with no one to prescribe the next bump up on my medication.

11 February 2013

My cat seems really happy these days. He watches the birds, he plays with things, he snuggles, he sits beside me in the chair that I have cleaned off. I do not know what brings such joy to catdom but long may to continue.
Loss. I cannot find my grade A Rebecca Comay notes on Nietzsche.
Got retweeted by a prostitute on Twitter. Very proud of my little feminist recognition.
Phew. The hunger has passed. I felt a little psycho there for a moment.

10 February 2013

Pounded Part One of The Genealogy of Morals yesterday. I have been reading it for years but this time existentialism has made everything easier to understand. Good/Evil and Good/Bad, the end.
Had to clarify for my coworker at the cat shelter: the cat is not a "d-bag" he is scared. Bestest snuggles again with a male tortie maine coon who'd been shaved. If I didn't already have a cat I'd have to think that he'd chosen me to start a life. Idiot teenage colleague who smelled like a homeless person had been worried he'd pee and poop all over him.

09 February 2013

Trying out every diet tip I've ever heard of to combat this hunger.

08 February 2013

Got to talk about mental health/illness in relation to Kierkegaard and my university's hellish psychiatric intake system. If the class was about that I would get an A+. It was another reminder why I don't just kick my absent provincial caretakers to the curb... the university's system is just so shitty.

06 February 2013

My chocolate trick is no longer working against the Abilify hunger, but a Seroquel trick is. Last time the really painful side effects lasted for two days. I hope it is the same this time. I wish I had a trick for reading philosophers of the Scottish Enlightenment.
My medication is not having the expected side effects. We were worried it would make me anxious... I am calm and getting fat, which was not supposed to happen due to its unique mechanism of action. It's as bad so far as my trial of a drug that lost a lawsuit to patients for giving them diabetes. Admittedly I am underweight, but I was comfortable that way in a way that I am not anymore. Both my dad and sister are overweight.
My cat is cuddling up to my mom in order to make her dog jealous.

05 February 2013

Today I was hanging out with some girls from my philosophy class and they were trying to decide if Kierkegaard was a tragic hero or a failed knight of faith. They had so much sympathy for him. I side with Regina and say he was a jerk.

04 February 2013

Today I called a cat's name and he came out of hiding and settled in my lap. He was orange, but like a male tortie. I am so humbled when cats know their names.
I feel like the lights just went on in my head.
So I read up on effects of chocolate on neurotransmitters, trying to figure out what is going on in my brain. Turns out chocolate mostly boosts levels of serotonin in the brain, which can lead to feelings of satiety. Considering my low mood and difficulty concentrating as well, it is probable that something is fucked up leading to lower than usual levels of serotonin. I suspect that the small decrease in my old medication along with the increase in my new medication will not fix this problem.
Have managed to get dog and cat hanging out with me at the same time. At least I'm doing right by them.

02 February 2013

Sending out messages into the silence always makes me feel ill at ease.

01 February 2013

I hate how I keep having to take a shower and wash my hair.
I Google my x-boyfriend as a litmus test for how I'm doing. His new girlfriend is blonde like the last one but not half as pretty. They went camping. She doesn't look very smart but she has a small black dog, which he would normally protest to being allergic to. I wonder if he's become kinder, or if one day he will tell her that he's a misogynist asshole.
Had the sweetest conversation in the hallway of the German department with my eighteenth century German lit prof yesterday. She is such a good person and inspiring teacher I really hope that they keep her around.
My cat did not like his bowl full of birthday breakfast treats.

31 January 2013

Frustrated as fuck with my doctor's lack of availability. Told them I'd leave and go to the clinic at my university if they weren't going to finish the titration for me. It is not ok that I sleep 12 hours a day. My nurse ignored everything I said so I offered to go to another clinic.
I am sitting with my cat. The cat is in the chair which has remained cleared as per his preference. He is pretending to sleep but really he is watching me type. I am cooking up plans to throw cat treats all over his breakfast tomorrow morning, in order to celebrate his sixth birthday. We came together a few years into his life but I am so glad we found each other.

30 January 2013

My new nurse is a highly effective communicator. She left me a long message and now I am in the know. Unfortunately I now also know that my doctor will be on vacation for a month just as I reach the critical point at which I stop taking my old medication and find out whether the new one works. I might not be taking enough medication at that point, and so would need a doctor to prescribe more. It's not like I keep an army of doctors on call.
I am actually enjoying working on my Hume paper. I have had no great enjoyment of Hume up to this point.
I have made room for the dog on my chair again. This time she waited while I cleared the books and hopped right up there. She is trying to have a little nap. She's a noisy breather.

This morning we went for a walk. "Ready?" I asked her as we stood at the door having seen my mom out, and she barked her assent. I have been trying to watch my tone of voice with her, to always sound warm, gently enthusiastic and refer to her by terms of endearment. She is very sensitive.
My cat has turned into quite the bird watcher this winter. It staves off boredom for him.

27 January 2013

Waiting for the feeling of edginess to pass. I was going to say "total shit" but this is nowhere near that bad, just too unpleasant to carry on with normal functioning.

25 January 2013

My new medication is making me feel extremely hungry. Eating doesn't help. It is really uncomfortable.
Cleaned off my book chair so that the dog can snooze with the cat and I while I read.
My goldfish's fin has sewn itself back together. Also, I made an appointment to discuss my paper with my prof a week before it is due in order to encourage myself to get it in on time.

23 January 2013

My cat's sixth birthday is February 2. Not sure how to celebrate. He does not like wet food or tuna and his catnip pillow from Christmas is still in good shape.
The best deal on my Amazon book was local and I got my book in two days. Hooray!
Day 2: victory over caffeine feeling via hemp hearts? In any case, total victory.

22 January 2013

I did not get nauseous. I felt like I had drunk about two cups of very strong coffee, the high before the jitters set in. It was weird, not like the anxiety described in the leaflet, but like what my anti-depressant used to do, only more (at 2mg, a tiny amount of medication). I took the medication at 7 and at 11 I took another pill to try to combat the feeling. It's supposed to be more even at higher doses (15mg) but I probably will not be feeling this way by Friday. Two weeks at this dose means this could take forever. I will advocate for 1 week intervals in the future. The bad thing about this medication is that I don't think it's covered, and antipsychotics typically cost upwards of $100 per month. I was on one that was almost $500 per month, at a moderate dose, and it was covered, so I'm not quite sure what the deal is.

21 January 2013

I turned my computer off and on again and it decided to play nice.
My internet is having a total spaz today, refusing to load pages. Just thought I'd share my impotent frustration.
Visited the doctor. He gave me pills, sample packages of pills. I know they make me nauseous so I stocked up on Gravol. Hopefully they will not make me anxious as well. Since there are no more appointments for many weeks we will coordinate side effects and increased dosages by phone.

20 January 2013

My goldfish seems to be doing better. I will now pronounce him cured.

This morning I got a bunch of shy cats to get out of their beds and have a cuddle and walkabout. Two girl cats were in a cage with a bed only big enough for one, so the more stressed cat was sitting in the litter box. I got them a bigger bed and they became much more relaxed and amiable as they cuddled together. The guy who was in before me referred to the cats as "dicks" for being so scared they were hissing and refusing to leave their beds. Being able to pat them felt like an accomplishment.

19 January 2013

My goldfish is spending a lot of time gasping at the surface. I hope he recovers from this and isn't permanently damaged.

18 January 2013

I took a Gravol with ginger and changed the water in my fish's bowl. The plants have been returned and it is pristine. The fish looks happy. He better not grow anything.
I am waiting for a boy to e-mail me back. He says he's terrible about checking his messages. I'm nervous. We are supposed to do something fun but I am not having fun at all, I am having a panic attack.
My mom went out, so the dog took me for a walk. Mom went out a second time and the dog made an extremely unusual second attempt, the little sweetheart.
I took the very lowest dose of the medication I want to switch to (my old Dr gave me a sample pack a good while ago) and nothing happened. I am not anxious or nauseous, though I somehow remember being one of those last time I tried it. Ok, maybe a tiny bit nauseous and fuzzy; we can do the titration slowly to minimize the impact of this. This bodes well for my future.

17 January 2013

Guppy has gone 24 hours in diluted solution with no new fungus!

16 January 2013

Talked with my new nurse clinician it is her second day in the office and she is still figuring out the voice mail system... she will try to make me a sooner appointment with my Dr. It doesn't sound like she's 12, which is a major break.
I am waiting for Michael Inwood's Hegel Dictionary to show up at my branch of the library. Lately many of the good books are purchased for another campus. I have been waiting a week; it used to take two days. What I have to work with are a hermeneutic approach to the preface of the Phenomenology by Yirmiyahu Yovel and Charles Taylor's tome. Neither will be fast and easy.
I am just not feeling like it today.

15 January 2013

Librarian waived all the fees on my account due to their processing delays, as well as the $7 I racked up when I returned the wrong book and refused to make an extra trip to the library over my long weekend, and the $2 from last semester. Librarians for the win! I feel like I earned customer loyalty points.

14 January 2013

I feel like total crap after I take my medication at 6 in the evening. I can't concentrate. It is unfair that I have to suffer like this.
Planning fish bowl sterilization.

12 January 2013

Blob. Reinstated the high-concentration solution.
Still blobless.

11 January 2013

Yesterday I was looking for a place to eat my lunch when I ran into two girls from my Continental philosophy class in the sunny windowed room of the student union building. They said hello and talked a whole bunch of shit. They encouraged me to sit with them in the front of the class. Because I have to commute so long, when traffic is bad I arrive exactly when class starts and grab a seat where it is least disruptive, in the middle at the end of the row. Most of the class is boys, so it is nice we girls can stick together.
Guppy is blobless!

10 January 2013

My fish grew another big blob today but it fell off while I was pouring myself a bourbon. He reaches the end of his prescription tomorrow at noon, by which time I suspect the fungus will not have been rooted out. I don't know at what rate the medication degrades in the water, which is problematic for further treatment.

*the medication, marketed as an antifungal, is actually an antiseptic, and can be stored in an amber glass bottle mixed with water. So I do the 25% water change tomorrow and hopefully Guppy is healing and once that happens over the fungus will not regrow in that spot.

09 January 2013

OMG. The guy who said he would send me the notes from Tuesday's lecture that I had to miss to go to the doctor did and they were hilarious. I sent greetings and thanks. May offer to buy him a beer.
Guppy's blob fell off again. I hope the super solution is helping.
The library found my book! I am really excited to take books out. The famous historian Natalie Zemon Davis is giving a talk next Tuesday and I would like to ask her a good question.
My next appointment with my psychiatrist isn't for seven weeks, more than twice as long as I would normally go between appointments. My medication is a problem. I've shifted the dosing, although it still has to be taken with food, so I can only do so much. Instead of spreading out the dose and having anxiety over a longer period of time I am now taking one big dose which causes something that leaves me feeling breathless. I can stay up later but the medication still takes its time moving through my system, making it more difficult to wake up. On the positive side, the second antipsychotic that I've been taking has now reached a steady state in my body so I can drink coffee and tea without getting jittery. You wouldn't think that was much but it's something. I've done all I can do, now comes the waiting.

08 January 2013

After today I'm feeling pretty tough.

07 January 2013

I really wish C had gotten in touch with me. It sucks that she is more important to me than I am to her.
The dog came and got me for a walk, despite the rain. There were lots of dogs out walking, which she didn't like. A big puppy came bounding at her and she slowly swaggered past it.

In other news, Cat Power is now following me on Twitter, which gives me a big thrill.
I awoke to find my goldfish's blob much reduced in size from yesterday. I put some tea tree oil in the water two days ago and will get some real medicine when I am at the big box mall watching Les Mis with my mom later today. He is swimming about vigorously. This all started when he got shocked by some chlorinated water from an old Brita filter.

06 January 2013

On Tuesday I have an appointment with my new psychiatrist. I am hoping for a med change so that I'm not so restless in the evenings and can add some hours to my day. The medication recommended by my former psychiatrist caused me a lot of agitation when I tried it and it has a reputation for causing that in about 12% of people who try it, although maybe not so much at higher doses. It is in a different class than the medications I have tried so far, all of which, except for the one that makes you gain crazy weight, made me anxious. I am not looking forward to the switching process, which I expect will be very difficult. On top of that I have the psychological problem with anxiety around reading and writing, which none of my doctors have ever talked through with me. On Tuesday I will see if C is back. I also have a book to return. It feels like a lot is hanging on Tuesday.
I've seen my goldfish settle to the bottom a few times this morning but he always keeps on moving. Hopefully he is feeling better today. Afternoons have been more difficult for him.

05 January 2013

My goldfish just ate his poop. If he dies it's all on him now.
Terrified my goldfish chasing him around the bowl with my hand in order to detach the blob of fungus attacking his tail. He is now blob free and pooping. I am cheered that he is swimming about at this particular moment.
I wish the library would locate the book that I returned so that I could have my library privileges back. It's stressing me out!
Did not hear from or see C at school yet. I hope that this means her family came around to being more supportive and she decided to spend an extra week with them, not that she doesn't want to talk to me or is in such rough shape she's thinking about not coming back.
I keep my goldfish in a bowl, which is not something that one admits to serious goldfish people. I have a tank but the filter was noisy. I also have a history of keeping goldfish alive in bowls for extended periods of time. It's like a terrarium only better. My current goldfish has lived with me for two or three years. When I first got him I carried him home on a cold day and he went into shock when I put him in his new habitat. He is sensitive to changes in his water and lately has been sitting at the bottom of his bowl, halfway between shock and sleep. I read up on this behavior in the goldfish forums and was reminded that healing from toxins takes time and I should watch how much I am feeding him to prevent constipation. That said, in the meantime he got a string of poop, like he never does, that adhered to his tail fin and caused it to rot, a permanent injury. He is now swimming about vigorously. He reminds me of a little puppy dog the way he gets excited about food and greeting me.

04 January 2013

When I correspond with my former psychologist, it's always, he *might* respond at some point. For example, he responded to an early December Christmas card yesterday. I'm hoping for a note tonight.
I think I've decided to wake up early to take the continental phil class with the professor who referred to university as a "mental health wasteland" and had everybody introduce their intellectual interests on the first day so that we might talk to one another. Power and Oppression was going to go a whole semester without including non-white theorists, and a three hour long class running into dinner time just didn't seem like a good pick. I think my exposure to the topics included in that class has already been more radical than where the prof was willing to go. I also received a Kant syllabus annotated with secondary sources for independent study. I found the Kant professor not very helpful in the class I took with him last semester. I got more out of reading the secondary material on my own anyhow. It would add a third day to my commute as well. I'm a little wary of the antique sessional instructor for my 18th century phil class but the material sounds very interesting. My classes will be two days a week, happily limiting my commute.

02 January 2013

A librarian renewed my books for me so I don't have to wait for the one I returned at the other library to be discharged! Hooray for librarians with special privileges!

01 January 2013

Slept in the new year. Awoke happy.