31 January 2013

Frustrated as fuck with my doctor's lack of availability. Told them I'd leave and go to the clinic at my university if they weren't going to finish the titration for me. It is not ok that I sleep 12 hours a day. My nurse ignored everything I said so I offered to go to another clinic.
I am sitting with my cat. The cat is in the chair which has remained cleared as per his preference. He is pretending to sleep but really he is watching me type. I am cooking up plans to throw cat treats all over his breakfast tomorrow morning, in order to celebrate his sixth birthday. We came together a few years into his life but I am so glad we found each other.

30 January 2013

My new nurse is a highly effective communicator. She left me a long message and now I am in the know. Unfortunately I now also know that my doctor will be on vacation for a month just as I reach the critical point at which I stop taking my old medication and find out whether the new one works. I might not be taking enough medication at that point, and so would need a doctor to prescribe more. It's not like I keep an army of doctors on call.
I am actually enjoying working on my Hume paper. I have had no great enjoyment of Hume up to this point.
I have made room for the dog on my chair again. This time she waited while I cleared the books and hopped right up there. She is trying to have a little nap. She's a noisy breather.

This morning we went for a walk. "Ready?" I asked her as we stood at the door having seen my mom out, and she barked her assent. I have been trying to watch my tone of voice with her, to always sound warm, gently enthusiastic and refer to her by terms of endearment. She is very sensitive.
My cat has turned into quite the bird watcher this winter. It staves off boredom for him.

27 January 2013

Waiting for the feeling of edginess to pass. I was going to say "total shit" but this is nowhere near that bad, just too unpleasant to carry on with normal functioning.

25 January 2013

My new medication is making me feel extremely hungry. Eating doesn't help. It is really uncomfortable.
Cleaned off my book chair so that the dog can snooze with the cat and I while I read.
My goldfish's fin has sewn itself back together. Also, I made an appointment to discuss my paper with my prof a week before it is due in order to encourage myself to get it in on time.

23 January 2013

My cat's sixth birthday is February 2. Not sure how to celebrate. He does not like wet food or tuna and his catnip pillow from Christmas is still in good shape.
The best deal on my Amazon book was local and I got my book in two days. Hooray!
Day 2: victory over caffeine feeling via hemp hearts? In any case, total victory.

22 January 2013

I did not get nauseous. I felt like I had drunk about two cups of very strong coffee, the high before the jitters set in. It was weird, not like the anxiety described in the leaflet, but like what my anti-depressant used to do, only more (at 2mg, a tiny amount of medication). I took the medication at 7 and at 11 I took another pill to try to combat the feeling. It's supposed to be more even at higher doses (15mg) but I probably will not be feeling this way by Friday. Two weeks at this dose means this could take forever. I will advocate for 1 week intervals in the future. The bad thing about this medication is that I don't think it's covered, and antipsychotics typically cost upwards of $100 per month. I was on one that was almost $500 per month, at a moderate dose, and it was covered, so I'm not quite sure what the deal is.

21 January 2013

I turned my computer off and on again and it decided to play nice.
My internet is having a total spaz today, refusing to load pages. Just thought I'd share my impotent frustration.
Visited the doctor. He gave me pills, sample packages of pills. I know they make me nauseous so I stocked up on Gravol. Hopefully they will not make me anxious as well. Since there are no more appointments for many weeks we will coordinate side effects and increased dosages by phone.

20 January 2013

My goldfish seems to be doing better. I will now pronounce him cured.

This morning I got a bunch of shy cats to get out of their beds and have a cuddle and walkabout. Two girl cats were in a cage with a bed only big enough for one, so the more stressed cat was sitting in the litter box. I got them a bigger bed and they became much more relaxed and amiable as they cuddled together. The guy who was in before me referred to the cats as "dicks" for being so scared they were hissing and refusing to leave their beds. Being able to pat them felt like an accomplishment.

19 January 2013

My goldfish is spending a lot of time gasping at the surface. I hope he recovers from this and isn't permanently damaged.

18 January 2013

I took a Gravol with ginger and changed the water in my fish's bowl. The plants have been returned and it is pristine. The fish looks happy. He better not grow anything.
I am waiting for a boy to e-mail me back. He says he's terrible about checking his messages. I'm nervous. We are supposed to do something fun but I am not having fun at all, I am having a panic attack.
My mom went out, so the dog took me for a walk. Mom went out a second time and the dog made an extremely unusual second attempt, the little sweetheart.
I took the very lowest dose of the medication I want to switch to (my old Dr gave me a sample pack a good while ago) and nothing happened. I am not anxious or nauseous, though I somehow remember being one of those last time I tried it. Ok, maybe a tiny bit nauseous and fuzzy; we can do the titration slowly to minimize the impact of this. This bodes well for my future.

17 January 2013

Guppy has gone 24 hours in diluted solution with no new fungus!

16 January 2013

Talked with my new nurse clinician it is her second day in the office and she is still figuring out the voice mail system... she will try to make me a sooner appointment with my Dr. It doesn't sound like she's 12, which is a major break.
I am waiting for Michael Inwood's Hegel Dictionary to show up at my branch of the library. Lately many of the good books are purchased for another campus. I have been waiting a week; it used to take two days. What I have to work with are a hermeneutic approach to the preface of the Phenomenology by Yirmiyahu Yovel and Charles Taylor's tome. Neither will be fast and easy.
I am just not feeling like it today.

15 January 2013

Librarian waived all the fees on my account due to their processing delays, as well as the $7 I racked up when I returned the wrong book and refused to make an extra trip to the library over my long weekend, and the $2 from last semester. Librarians for the win! I feel like I earned customer loyalty points.

14 January 2013

I feel like total crap after I take my medication at 6 in the evening. I can't concentrate. It is unfair that I have to suffer like this.
Planning fish bowl sterilization.

12 January 2013

Blob. Reinstated the high-concentration solution.
Still blobless.

11 January 2013

Yesterday I was looking for a place to eat my lunch when I ran into two girls from my Continental philosophy class in the sunny windowed room of the student union building. They said hello and talked a whole bunch of shit. They encouraged me to sit with them in the front of the class. Because I have to commute so long, when traffic is bad I arrive exactly when class starts and grab a seat where it is least disruptive, in the middle at the end of the row. Most of the class is boys, so it is nice we girls can stick together.
Guppy is blobless!

10 January 2013

My fish grew another big blob today but it fell off while I was pouring myself a bourbon. He reaches the end of his prescription tomorrow at noon, by which time I suspect the fungus will not have been rooted out. I don't know at what rate the medication degrades in the water, which is problematic for further treatment.

*the medication, marketed as an antifungal, is actually an antiseptic, and can be stored in an amber glass bottle mixed with water. So I do the 25% water change tomorrow and hopefully Guppy is healing and once that happens over the fungus will not regrow in that spot.

09 January 2013

OMG. The guy who said he would send me the notes from Tuesday's lecture that I had to miss to go to the doctor did and they were hilarious. I sent greetings and thanks. May offer to buy him a beer.
Guppy's blob fell off again. I hope the super solution is helping.
The library found my book! I am really excited to take books out. The famous historian Natalie Zemon Davis is giving a talk next Tuesday and I would like to ask her a good question.
My next appointment with my psychiatrist isn't for seven weeks, more than twice as long as I would normally go between appointments. My medication is a problem. I've shifted the dosing, although it still has to be taken with food, so I can only do so much. Instead of spreading out the dose and having anxiety over a longer period of time I am now taking one big dose which causes something that leaves me feeling breathless. I can stay up later but the medication still takes its time moving through my system, making it more difficult to wake up. On the positive side, the second antipsychotic that I've been taking has now reached a steady state in my body so I can drink coffee and tea without getting jittery. You wouldn't think that was much but it's something. I've done all I can do, now comes the waiting.

08 January 2013

After today I'm feeling pretty tough.

07 January 2013

I really wish C had gotten in touch with me. It sucks that she is more important to me than I am to her.
The dog came and got me for a walk, despite the rain. There were lots of dogs out walking, which she didn't like. A big puppy came bounding at her and she slowly swaggered past it.

In other news, Cat Power is now following me on Twitter, which gives me a big thrill.
I awoke to find my goldfish's blob much reduced in size from yesterday. I put some tea tree oil in the water two days ago and will get some real medicine when I am at the big box mall watching Les Mis with my mom later today. He is swimming about vigorously. This all started when he got shocked by some chlorinated water from an old Brita filter.

06 January 2013

On Tuesday I have an appointment with my new psychiatrist. I am hoping for a med change so that I'm not so restless in the evenings and can add some hours to my day. The medication recommended by my former psychiatrist caused me a lot of agitation when I tried it and it has a reputation for causing that in about 12% of people who try it, although maybe not so much at higher doses. It is in a different class than the medications I have tried so far, all of which, except for the one that makes you gain crazy weight, made me anxious. I am not looking forward to the switching process, which I expect will be very difficult. On top of that I have the psychological problem with anxiety around reading and writing, which none of my doctors have ever talked through with me. On Tuesday I will see if C is back. I also have a book to return. It feels like a lot is hanging on Tuesday.
I've seen my goldfish settle to the bottom a few times this morning but he always keeps on moving. Hopefully he is feeling better today. Afternoons have been more difficult for him.

05 January 2013

My goldfish just ate his poop. If he dies it's all on him now.
Terrified my goldfish chasing him around the bowl with my hand in order to detach the blob of fungus attacking his tail. He is now blob free and pooping. I am cheered that he is swimming about at this particular moment.
I wish the library would locate the book that I returned so that I could have my library privileges back. It's stressing me out!
Did not hear from or see C at school yet. I hope that this means her family came around to being more supportive and she decided to spend an extra week with them, not that she doesn't want to talk to me or is in such rough shape she's thinking about not coming back.
I keep my goldfish in a bowl, which is not something that one admits to serious goldfish people. I have a tank but the filter was noisy. I also have a history of keeping goldfish alive in bowls for extended periods of time. It's like a terrarium only better. My current goldfish has lived with me for two or three years. When I first got him I carried him home on a cold day and he went into shock when I put him in his new habitat. He is sensitive to changes in his water and lately has been sitting at the bottom of his bowl, halfway between shock and sleep. I read up on this behavior in the goldfish forums and was reminded that healing from toxins takes time and I should watch how much I am feeding him to prevent constipation. That said, in the meantime he got a string of poop, like he never does, that adhered to his tail fin and caused it to rot, a permanent injury. He is now swimming about vigorously. He reminds me of a little puppy dog the way he gets excited about food and greeting me.

04 January 2013

When I correspond with my former psychologist, it's always, he *might* respond at some point. For example, he responded to an early December Christmas card yesterday. I'm hoping for a note tonight.
I think I've decided to wake up early to take the continental phil class with the professor who referred to university as a "mental health wasteland" and had everybody introduce their intellectual interests on the first day so that we might talk to one another. Power and Oppression was going to go a whole semester without including non-white theorists, and a three hour long class running into dinner time just didn't seem like a good pick. I think my exposure to the topics included in that class has already been more radical than where the prof was willing to go. I also received a Kant syllabus annotated with secondary sources for independent study. I found the Kant professor not very helpful in the class I took with him last semester. I got more out of reading the secondary material on my own anyhow. It would add a third day to my commute as well. I'm a little wary of the antique sessional instructor for my 18th century phil class but the material sounds very interesting. My classes will be two days a week, happily limiting my commute.

02 January 2013

A librarian renewed my books for me so I don't have to wait for the one I returned at the other library to be discharged! Hooray for librarians with special privileges!

01 January 2013

Slept in the new year. Awoke happy.