27 January 2013

Waiting for the feeling of edginess to pass. I was going to say "total shit" but this is nowhere near that bad, just too unpleasant to carry on with normal functioning.

14 comments:

lostgander said...

How was your Tuesday.

wrenna said...

Well, since I didn't fuck up and forget to take one of my pills my baseline mental state was good. I woke up at 5 am and had a relaxed morning before heading off to class. I tried to cram into my head some last minute Schopenhauer, which turned out to be completely unnecessary. The professor did not lecture on the assigned reading but on another part of Schopenhauer's writing. I found extra minutes in my day to read some Kierkegaard for Thursday, and to consult the Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy on Schopenhauer's critique of Kant and concept of causality, which were not covered in class, and Kierkegaard's use of narrative innovation, which I did not get last time I read him due to my lack of commitment to my individuality. Then I drank a beer, hoping to dull the sensation of having worked very hard, but still having to cheat a little, and watched the news. I noticed that my hair has gotten rather long. I ate dinner and then lay on my bed until it was a reasonable time to go to sleep.

lostgander said...

Excellent summation! I liked: "which I did not get last time I read him due to my lack of commitment to my individuality." Ha!

I drank a beer last night, too. Sometimes it's all there is to do.

wrenna said...

It's true, I feel that I have a relatively thin inner life. I am drawn to people like you who have rich inner goings on, but generally, in real life, I fall silent while they could go on and on and the relationship stalls. With respect to this issue, the internet has been very good at connecting me to interesting people.

My professor was going on and on yesterday about pessimism and melancholy and by the end of the day I was seriously contemplating killing myself. That hasn't happened in a good long time. I am more like I was as a child now, generally pretty happy. I think a significant part of the problem with these philosophers was that they lacked balance in their character due to the near complete misogynistic exclusion of women and children from their lives.

lostgander said...

I didn't realize you were being serious about your individuality, otherwise I would not have laughed. A so-called rich inner life is not always such a boon. If anything it makes me less inclined to engage with others in person, and more inclined to obsess over everything to the point of exhaustion and/or collapse into depression.

That's an interesting point about the old philosophers and their ascetic existence away from women and children. Without women in my life I probably would kill myself. Most men are so repressed that I cannot relate to them at all. Also I hate sports so that doesn't help, either. With the exception of a very select few, all of my close friends (both online and offline) are women. Of my two close male friends in my offline life, one is a sociologist and the other is similar to me in temperament and thinking (though more logical and practical and a bit less emotionally open).

I think you're doing fine and I don't doubt that we could manage to carry on a rich and varied conversation in person.

wrenna said...

Thank you for this bit of sociological analysis. You are wonderful and fascinating. My parents don't have friends of the opposite sex at all. Beyond that they have a weirdly sexualized way of relating to members of the opposite sex. I just about died the first time I was walking down the street with a guy. Male-female friendship is all new to me.

lostgander said...

I don't think a lot of people understand it. For a couple of years, I had a close friend at work (she since moved away) and we frequently spent our lunch breaks together. People would ask us all the time how we became friends because to them it just didn't add up. It was like this huge mystery amplified by the fact that it was at work where people have nothing better to do than gossip. Her other friends also used to imply that we were romantically involved, which we were not. We both had significant others.

wrenna said...

Hm. That sounds like a rather awful reception. I'm sorry.

lostgander said...

Actually it didn't really bother me. At this point in my life, I could care less what people think of me. Their misguided perceptions of my actions are often a source of amusement. But I was sad when she left.

wrenna said...

I wonder if it's more socially acceptable for men to be aloof in that way than for women. Maybe I am just asking because I would like an off-line friend.

lostgander said...

I don't know about that. I don't associate with enough people to realize if I'm being socially acceptable, but I suspect that I'm not. I often feel like I am one small step away from being completely removed from society so I am probably not the best person to consult. Also my friend at work who left is the first offline friend I had made in probably six years. And we never saw each other outside of work, so it was somewhat lacking. My gf and I are total recluses. We basically only have one couple we are friends with in this place and they are moving to South Africa this summer (he is the sociologist). My other male friend who I referenced lives about 45 minutes away and I am lucky if I see him once a month, more likely once every two months. I wish I had advice for you, but I think I probably also need some myself.

wrenna said...

Ok, well, thank you for your company :)

lostgander said...

But of course! Now I have to go ride home in the pouring rain. Adieu!

wrenna said...

:)