18 hours ago
27 February 2013
Study group with the dog, cat and goldfish.
I argued with my doctor and basically prescribed my own increase in the new medication to happen while he is away. I am the wild west of mental patients. My old doctor used to think my assertiveness around medications was good; I knew what I needed to stay well and didn't have any significant breaks for three years. So far so good: the hunger side effect has gone away. I can see the extra weight in my face though and it makes me uncomfortable. I haven't eaten myself all the way into this state, there has been a shift in my metabolism, which makes things more difficult. I have been making an effort to get focused earlier in the day and am having an easier time of it. My doctor sees this as mood related; I see it as focus related. I wish I could be working on Hegel but I've got to get Hume sorted out first.
24 February 2013
Immna be 30 on March 10. My mom asked what I wanted. I think it is an over-the-top glass teapot from Anthropologie. Not a piece of jewelry.
My professor, bless him, is going to let me write my midterm a week late so that I have time to prepare AND hand in my paper for my other class. I have grand visions for this midterm; it's going to be great. I have not been procrastinating; I have even crammed reading into the morning hours. I will have lots of stuff to write, unlike my final at Christmas.
23 February 2013
21 February 2013
20 February 2013
19 February 2013
The dog has decided every time now my mom leaves the house she wants to go for a walk.
I cannot work before noon.
Posted the schedule for the history conference I will be attending at the end of March on the back of my door above the calendar. It's time to get reading the seminar papers!
18 February 2013
Yesterday one of the shelter cats attacked me - I woke up during the night with a strange pain in my finger joint. Before that though, near the end of my shift, a French woman came in and determined that the cat only liked to be patted on the head, before getting several bloody scratches of her own. Today, I tried her trick, letting the poor shaved skinny cat sniff my hand before gently stroking his head a few times. He did not hiss or lash out with claws and settled back down to nap. Twenty minutes before the end of my shift he got up out of his cage, jumped up in my lap and sat with me. It was the sweetest, his fragile body balanced on my knees. My heart filled up for him. When I had to put him back in his cage he did not freak out, but let me carry him. Moments of communication like that are incredible.
17 February 2013
I have the patience to woo strange cats, why do I not have the patience to take my cat for walks? He is no longer happy and is withholding my morning snuggles, which I really need. I can't fall asleep at night and my 1/4 pill of melatonin is leaving me with a big hangover.
15 February 2013
My mom's dog, who will not walk with her, had so much fun on her walk with me this morning she asked to go for another one when my mom went out again. Unfortunately I need to deal with David Hume.
A little while ago I wrote my x-boyfriend a little hello note. I have missed him all of these years and I may have been drinking. I heard nothing for a while and gave up. Then he wrote back, a letter I received on Valentine's Day, with a great deal of kindness, saying that he thought of me often and was glad I had gotten in touch because he is not good at keeping up with old friends. He is taking two antidepressants, which bring him out of his shell, but is still depressed. He is no longer in his PhD program but rides a motorbike to work as a forklift operator. I think the old girlfriend and the new girlfriend are the same person? He has been with her for 4 years. He sounds happy, which made me happy. He explained the rough time he was having when we broke things off, he said he had had psychotic moments too. He was often mean to me when he wasn't feeling well. His kindness is a kind of affirmation of life and what I had been holding on to so tight, but was always beyond reach. It feels okay now.
13 February 2013
My nurse is very controlling. I think I'm going to cut her out of everyday operations.
Found! My fabulous Rebecca Comay Nietzsche notes and a probably mostly useless (analytic philosophical) file box of research I did on Nietzsche for another class. I have to say, I may have been very ill when I took both of these classes, but my powers of basic reconnaissance - taking good notes and marking every unindexed single passage in which Nietzsche mentions silence, quiet or hiddenness - were good.
Apparently the deal with my doctor is that he was trained in the UK and is writing and studying for licensing exams in Canada. I am stuck, mid-titration, with no one to prescribe the next bump up on my medication.
11 February 2013
My cat seems really happy these days. He watches the birds, he plays with things, he snuggles, he sits beside me in the chair that I have cleaned off. I do not know what brings such joy to catdom but long may to continue.
Loss. I cannot find my grade A Rebecca Comay notes on Nietzsche.
Got retweeted by a prostitute on Twitter. Very proud of my little feminist recognition.
Phew. The hunger has passed. I felt a little psycho there for a moment.
10 February 2013
Pounded Part One of The Genealogy of Morals yesterday. I have been reading it for years but this time existentialism has made everything easier to understand. Good/Evil and Good/Bad, the end.
Had to clarify for my coworker at the cat shelter: the cat is not a "d-bag" he is scared. Bestest snuggles again with a male tortie maine coon who'd been shaved. If I didn't already have a cat I'd have to think that he'd chosen me to start a life. Idiot teenage colleague who smelled like a homeless person had been worried he'd pee and poop all over him.
09 February 2013
08 February 2013
Got to talk about mental health/illness in relation to Kierkegaard and my university's hellish psychiatric intake system. If the class was about that I would get an A+. It was another reminder why I don't just kick my absent provincial caretakers to the curb... the university's system is just so shitty.
06 February 2013
My chocolate trick is no longer working against the Abilify hunger, but a Seroquel trick is. Last time the really painful side effects lasted for two days. I hope it is the same this time. I wish I had a trick for reading philosophers of the Scottish Enlightenment.
My medication is not having the expected side effects. We were worried it would make me anxious... I am calm and getting fat, which was not supposed to happen due to its unique mechanism of action. It's as bad so far as my trial of a drug that lost a lawsuit to patients for giving them diabetes. Admittedly I am underweight, but I was comfortable that way in a way that I am not anymore. Both my dad and sister are overweight.
My cat is cuddling up to my mom in order to make her dog jealous.
05 February 2013
Today I was hanging out with some girls from my philosophy class and they were trying to decide if Kierkegaard was a tragic hero or a failed knight of faith. They had so much sympathy for him. I side with Regina and say he was a jerk.
04 February 2013
Today I called a cat's name and he came out of hiding and settled in my lap. He was orange, but like a male tortie. I am so humbled when cats know their names.
I feel like the lights just went on in my head.
So I read up on effects of chocolate on neurotransmitters, trying to figure out what is going on in my brain. Turns out chocolate mostly boosts levels of serotonin in the brain, which can lead to feelings of satiety. Considering my low mood and difficulty concentrating as well, it is probable that something is fucked up leading to lower than usual levels of serotonin. I suspect that the small decrease in my old medication along with the increase in my new medication will not fix this problem.
Have managed to get dog and cat hanging out with me at the same time. At least I'm doing right by them.
02 February 2013
01 February 2013
I hate how I keep having to take a shower and wash my hair.
I Google my x-boyfriend as a litmus test for how I'm doing. His new girlfriend is blonde like the last one but not half as pretty. They went camping. She doesn't look very smart but she has a small black dog, which he would normally protest to being allergic to. I wonder if he's become kinder, or if one day he will tell her that he's a misogynist asshole.
Had the sweetest conversation in the hallway of the German department with my eighteenth century German lit prof yesterday. She is such a good person and inspiring teacher I really hope that they keep her around.
My cat did not like his bowl full of birthday breakfast treats.