31 March 2013

I wish I could sue the psychiatrist who put me on Stelazine, which caused crazy side effects (I then refused to take it and demanded to be let out of the treatment facility) and permanent neurological damage. I have a tremor under my right eye with this new drug now that I doubt would have happened otherwise.
More popular than my better known zebra striped socks.

29 March 2013

My leopard print socks are very popular.
I guess the thing with this medication is that the line where sanity meets insanity remains visible. I can peer over and see what a crazy person would, only without becoming terrified. In this way the crazy remains an active part of my identity, which it hasn't been for 3 years. I am still not sure how strong I can be, this makes everything seem fragile. On the other hand I feel calmer, which makes me feel more confident. My new living space.
I got my act together and applied for some volunteer jobs in a hospital. Hopefully something will work out.

27 March 2013

All the fires have been put out.

26 March 2013

My theory professor has a psychotic sense of humour.

25 March 2013

88% on the Hegel portion of my midterm! Same guidance as usual.
Arts Academic Advising is willing to consider a request for withdrawal from courses I failed when I lacked the insight not to be in school due to my illness. I stayed because being in that environment made me want to be alive. They practically never do this, the advisor I contacted said when I asked. This would make it much easier for me to apply to programs from here on out. A gift!

24 March 2013

Historians can throw down the names and ideas of tons of theorists but their work reads as atheoretical?
I am slowly returning to earth.
The professor who invited me to the conference walked into the room where Grafton was giving his third talk and gave me a big hug. Never was a hug more welcome. She held a seat beside me with an acupuncture model of a head. Nearly all of the professors who have shaped my ideas the most turn up. Grafton's talk was fascinating, about philological divination (guessing), his new book project. His erudition, across six or seven languages, was jaw-dropping.

One day later Grafton remembers my name as he enters a conference seminar on Columbus' encounter with the new world. He admires my dedication and I say I'm getting my early modern fix (actually my early modern education.)

Two days later Grafton sits beside me for a seminar on indigenous peoples in London. I cannot for the life of me think of anything to say. I should have told him the persimmon tea was really good! At lunch he talks about how he got the name Grafton (his dad was a journalist and picked the most Protestant sounding name he could think of, the street he grew up on, when told to pick a new one to move with his boss to a bigger newspaper). A colleague from Princeton had given a talk on (non-metaphorical) languages in science and was discussing how Yiddish was descended from middle German along with Hoch Deutch, which, Grafton corrected his colleague, only people from [some place that I have forgotten] learn at home. Grafton then says he didn't learn Yiddish at home because parents at the time didn't want their kids to have the accent. He says he learned a little bit at Princeton.

23 March 2013

They had oversize German chocolate ladybugs at the bookstore so I bought one for my mom and told her it was to change her luck. She liked it a lot and thought it was very sweet.

20 March 2013

Tony Grafton was an absolutely gracious star about signing my book and saying hello to me. I said who I was a student of and he remembered her fondly and enthusiastically. It's sad that I don't have a field, because he asked. I waved to my book history prof from across the room and he later said that he'd introduced me to Grafton as "a refugee from the history department" in that moment. They've been nice to me but it's true: I am not a born storyteller and I love some of the classes I've been able to take in other departments (book history, theory).
My mom had a second car accident and her car has been written off again. Both times she said she didn't see the other car coming. Normally she is hyper aware on the road, able to identify birds and animals I don't even see.

18 March 2013

I think maybe it's that I'm patient with the dog according to her capabilities and never shout at her.
Helped a friend scoop a textbook from the library - my one and only superpower is taking the library for all it's worth.
Dog wouldn't walk with dad or mom this morning before ecstatically rounding me up for a romp. Her issue therefore does not seem to be dominance or who gives the most treats. I do not know what her issue is. I am trying to teach her to let the posties be, or at least, she has to walk on a very short leash when we see them. This walking has turned into 45 minutes of sweating and exhaustion.

17 March 2013

so cute... the parents go out and the dog immediately comes to me to take her for a walk. I have to decline due to the 80 pages of Gadamer, Habermas, Foucault and Derrida I am fighting with my concentration to read.
I ran into a girl I coached in synchronized swimming back when I was in high school. She had trouble floating. She was in the pet shop looking at cats, of which her family has seven, with her baby girl Ella, the first time I'd seen them together. Ella is a miracle, because when Sarah was 19 months old she was diagnosed with leukemia, and doctors told her the treatment meant she could never have children. Ella is doubly a miracle because she was conceived while Sarah was recovering from a brain tumor that was a result of the childhood cancer treatment, and for the first two months she didn't know she was pregnant because her period was coming twice a month. She was also on seizure medication that is a risk to fetuses. Ella is a big baby, born at 8 pounds and to all appearances healthy; Sarah is a tiny woman, I don't know if she's even 5 feet tall. We talked for a while. Sarah is enjoying being off work and like me doesn't get bored not working. She used to look completely miserable when I saw her on the bus and didn't say hello. She said she'd come back to visit while I was minding the cats.
Caught my cat looking very handsome

15 March 2013

Looks like I'm going to live at the university next week between my conference and FOUR Anthony Grafton lectures. I will bring my copy of The Footnote to hopefully get autographed and hopefully get to ask him about how he keeps his sources organized.

13 March 2013

Birthday Flowers

Received another e-mail note from my cousin who is pregnant. I don't know her very well, but I sent her a congratulations card telling her I was jealous and urging her to come to our family gatherings because grandma loves little kids and she said it made her day. It turns out she is exceptionally kind and willing to get to know me, which is just the nicest. I have more connections with people now than I ever have in my life, I think, and I am grateful for all of them.
The dog has been very naughty, peeing beside my mom's side of the bed in the night, so she is getting the disciplinary treatment. I took her for a walk this morning, just a short one as it was raining. I wasn't sure she would go out. A man got his two German Shepherds to sit facing him so Zoe could pass... she is scared of the German Shepherds, but I think she might have been thinking that I would come back and we could go the other way on a long walk. Then I had to get get her by the mail man, no small feat, her behavior was very bad. Apparently she cried through most of the night because she had to spend it in her kennel. I asked her if she would like to come sit in my chair and she is now snoring in it. Despite our struggles I feel like the dog whisperer. The cat is under the quilt on my bed.

09 March 2013






Anthony Grafton is giving a guest lecture just before the conference on translation I am going to!! So exciting!!! I am going to get him to autograph my copy of The Footnote.
I am thinking seriously about becoming a nurse. I would need to take 6 credits of human anatomy at a college, but they like that you have a degree first and my grades, if we discount incomplete classes, are easily good enough to qualify. I need to see about volunteering to find out more about whether I want to go into blood and guts nursing or psychiatric nursing. It would be an exciting job and I would be able to advocate for people. Also, it would be all about life-long learning.

08 March 2013

Feeling much better today :)

07 March 2013

I went back to my plan, taking with it a super emergency sanity pill. Oh wow am I grateful for those.

06 March 2013

I ended up trying to follow my doctor's recommendation on dosing because my memory was bad and now I feel sad and have had panic attacks two days in a row. Maybe not a good idea? It's disconcerting to think I might be right here.

04 March 2013

Zoe has gotten the message that I would like some extra exercise. She took me on another long walk today.

02 March 2013

My optometrist gave me a Hello Kitty hologram sticker today. She stuck it on my hand. I like her, and not because of the Hello Kitty thing. I don't "like" doctors. She seems very competent. She talks to me through the whole eye exam and it's fine that she's speaking from a script. I do what she says and she tells me I have healthy eyes. I have seen her for years even though it is not the cheapest place I could go.

01 March 2013

Applied for that job working with a four-year-old autistic kid. I am not the professional they indicated an interest in in their posting but I have interests in those areas which I made clear. The job as 6 hours a week and pays $20-25 an hour, so they probably got a zillion applications. I'll try not to get my hopes up.