29 March 2013

I guess the thing with this medication is that the line where sanity meets insanity remains visible. I can peer over and see what a crazy person would, only without becoming terrified. In this way the crazy remains an active part of my identity, which it hasn't been for 3 years. I am still not sure how strong I can be, this makes everything seem fragile. On the other hand I feel calmer, which makes me feel more confident. My new living space.


lostgander said...

Interesting. Maybe it's good that you can peer at it...as long as it's not threatening you. If it is a part of you then it doesn't seem natural to shut it completely out if it's not causing harm.

wrenna said...

I went to meet with my former supervisor at the museum the other day. She is retiring, and she gossiped about her husband and kids. I was surprised by her openness, her talking to me like a friend, even though she says she thinks of her daughter and I together because we are almost exactly the same age. Several times I felt something like paranoia, only, as I have described, it wasn't overwhelming and I didn't go with it. When I wasn't sure how to react she began to cry about her dying cat and it became clear it was her thing and not mine.

I don't want to just keep taking more medication because it just keeps making me gain weight. It will probably come off as my body gets used to it, but still.

At the moment I have people like you who are not threatened by this if it comes up. I have the psychotic history prof and I am studying theory, which is full of puns and mental cases, so I am in a social space in which it makes for communication, rather than becoming closed off, which is dangerous.

I'm going to be trying it out for the next month, at least, until I see my doctor again. I'm not sure what he will say.

lostgander said...

Yes, closed off is not good. Talking and writing about what's true and real makes a difference, I think.

wrenna said...

True and real are important.